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How to forgive yourself
I am a 34 year old female and I have been in a loving relationship with my good hearted boyfriend of 7 years and we intend to marry too. However, last year I met a guy when I was having some problems with my boyfriend who lived in a different city. I met this new guy 3-4 times and ended up talking a lot. We had many similarities and I think we sort of had a good and caring friendship and we resonated. We also shared a lot of secrets about our lives. However, I started having some intense feelings for him which I also told my boyfriend. There was clearly and mental and physical attraction between me and this new guy. On the 4th day of our meeting, he suddenly kissed me. I kissed him back and this continued for almost 30 mins where we were kissing each other on the lips as if we could not get enough of each other. We also hugged a lot, looked into each other's eyes and smiled in between the kisses. We caressed each other's body and we were very gentle with each other. It was the best kiss of my life and it was so wonderful. I never felt like this in my life or enjoyed kissing like that. But after that, I felt guilty, so I told my boyfriend which pained him. I also told this new guy that we will not keep in touch again. I met my bf and we worked on our relationship. I felt terribly guilty at one point and very sad because clearly I had developed intense feelings for this new guy. Time passed, my boyfriend forgave me long ago and we are again happy with each other. But till this day, I cannot forgive myself for enjoying the kiss. I still dont know what happened during those two months and I want to wipe out those two months, although I do agree those 30 mins were the most fulfilling kissing moments of my life. I love my boyfriend a lot. He tells me, you have to forgive yourself, since I have forgiven you long ago. But how to forgive myself? Its like a black mark on my life as otherwise I have always been a very loyal and devoted girlfriend to all of my ex-bfs and also present bf.
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If he says he has forgiven you, then simply accept the free gift of his forgiveness. This is not like a Christmas gift exchange where each person gives the other something.
This reminds me alot of forgiveness on the Christian side of things. Not preaching, just making a comparison. We are told in Bible that Jesus death on the cross was to pay for our sins. We may be really good people otherwise, as you said you are usually a loyal devoted gf. But the human standards of good do not measure up to what heavenly standards are. Big sin, little sin, like white lies, are all counted the same. Maybe in some way, that is why it's eating at you. But Jesus says its a free gift, that all we have to do is to accept it. We are forgiven for what He counts as sin and all we have to do is ask for it and then accept it. In your case with the boyfriend, you know you are forgiven but you can not accept that gift of acceptance from him. Does this mean you don't want to be forgiven? Do you feel he or someone else should treat you to same way so that it feels more equal? What would it take for you to simply accept the forgiveness and move on? Have you ever asked yourself that. You are feeling what many feel when they decide to follow Jesus but still can't forgive them selves for their past, whether it was drinking, gambling, drug use, killing, stealing, etc....
This black mark on your life is one you are putting there. Since you were forgiven, there is no black mark on your relationship with the boyfriend. As to any relationship and your standing with Jesus, thats the only other place in your life that you could have valid feelings of guilt. When a Child does wrong and tells their parent they are sorry, the parent loves them, teaches them how to do better next time and then totally drops memory of their wrongdoing and moves on with their child, treating them well, loving them and the relationship is good. What if a child felt bad about something they did and daily told their parents they were sorry for the rest of their life because they could not get over something they did long ago when they were a child and didn't know any better. Life is school life long. We will always be learning something. We will always make mistakes but that is how we learn. As long as we do not repeat our mistakes, then we have learned and made the right choice. As long as we ask forgiveness, make things right with the damaged party and then forgive ourselves. As for enjoying something in your past, yes those memories will always be with you. I have done some things I would never do again but I did enjoy while engaging in. However, when such a memory comes up, instead of dwelling on it, I immediately tell myself that I am no longer that person, that's not what I would do or ingage in today, that I am changed, have learned and I in my case, have asked for Gods forgiveness and received it. If you're not feeling it, the only place its coming from is your own mind. Your mind is the one fighting you so treat your mind like talking to another person who is always trying to put you down and make you feel bad about yourself. Tell it off, state what is fact, that you have learned from it and you are forgiven so you no longer have to feel guilty about having enjoyed the other little fling. It happened, it's over, you move on.
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