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Don’t Leave Me Like This
I attend LSU and tuition is due on Monday. But I only have 40 cents to my name. I don’t have money for the full fee nor to start a payment plan with $1.6k. It’s a lot that goes into my circumstances but I’ll do my best to shorten it.
I was praying for a full ride scholarship but god hasn’t answered my prayers yet. I decided on my top choice school who offered no scholarship at all, because that was the only school on my heart. Settling will never be in my language when it comes to my education. I went through k-12 unsatisfied with the education that I was being provided and that made me set a standard to not go into my career with a less than ideal education all because I had to settle. So I thought that maybe god would qualify me financially to be able to afford to attend. I would be able to afford school at my top choice as opposed to my other options if it weren’t for me not being able to take out the offered loan that would cover the rest of the cost. But none of my family can take out that loan because of bad credit and lack of efficient income to pay it back. My single parent make less than $1000 monthly. Yes I have the full Pell grant, unsubdisized, and subsidized loans they are all maxed out. I promise my back is against the wall here.
I wasn’t able to afford to leave for college in August. I spent September- November trying to find a job so I could start the next semester but didn’t get a job until December. Regardless of what I didn’t have I pleaded with god and let him know that I had to leave for college the next semester. My family was nearly made homeless in September and October and my home is unfit. I’m talking infested with rodents and unclean. I couldn’t take it and I didn’t need living in uncleanliness to become too normal. My hometown is rural, with poor resources. I was very depressed there and that’s not the place you want to be stuck in for years more when you really want to leave.
I tried everything. I tried to start a GoFundMe to help bridge my huge gap, I tried to see if countless resources were willing and able to support me, I got a job even though it didn’t happen until kind of last minute, I tried many scholarships, and I tried to appeal my financial aid, I opened my mind up to trying other colleges. No breakthroughs yet. My family did contribute a little towards me leaving for college but this is beyond us all. The only one who can handle this is god, and I have this traumatic fear that me trying to get my college education will fall through again despite how willing I am to make this work and despite me praying day in and day out that I’m able to stay in college.
I’ve only been in college for 3 weeks. I didn’t have my full tuition fee until a few days after I moved in on campus. I have been only eating fast food and snacks for the past 2 weeks because I can’t use my meal plan until the registration fee is paid. I have things that I brought for my dorm that I couldn’t possibly tote back home on public transportation. There have been a few happenings of what I consider as gods favor up until now but still this major thing isn’t being taken care of. I didn’t have to pay out of my own pocket to travel here, I didn’t have to pay again for an on campus housing assignment , I haven’t been starved since my dining hall stopped allowing me to eat without my meal plan working. Still this makes me worry that I somehow made it this far in my own strength and my tuition hasn’t been resolved because god doesn’t want me here or if god is really going to do something in time for me to not have my classes dropped on Monday evening or for me to not lose access to my dorm. If not here then where? During the five months in which I was waiting and trying to leave for college nothing else came along that would’ve been better. I didn’t even have any money to reapply for colleges elsewhere. Sticking to my current school literally seemed like the most doable.
I think that’s all. But please if you read this don’t give me any hate or judgment. Please know that if you suggest that I go to community college or trade school or drop out to work so I can come back someday and pay for school with saved money then the answer is no. I don’t need to hear that, I just can’t do it there’s too much going against me. I’ve heard it over and over and I seriously consider it to be invalidating at this point because I don’t even think those are doable options. Thanks anyways
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Maybe give some free advice about: Spirituality?
I don't think there is anything I can say to help. You on focused on one thing only and wanting a way to magically make it happen or more to the point, force it to happen. If God hasn't answered your very specific prayer, there likely is also a very specific reason why. No, attending LSU might not be a bad thing, but when we are in Christ, it is no longer you that lives but Christ that lives in you. What we deem as important goals, may indeed be good but God may want to place you somewhere that he needs you to be, to be of help to someone looking for help or answers. Here's a small example of mine. We have been living out of our van first out of need and now enjoying that we are rent-less. After my jig at Burger King, hubby picked me up and we drove the after block to a grocery so he could go buy an item he wanted. When he came out, the van would not start at all. We didn't have AAA at the time and hubby was panicking while I had a strange peace about it. So we slept there, Then in morning, Hubby finds a man stuck in the same parking lot with car hood up and the guys battery was dead, real dead as in needing a new one. Our van was needing something simple like a little plug in fuse which the guy gave us so we could drive him to auto parts place to buy himself a battery and we could buy another fuse. If we had not been stuck there, we would not have been able to help the man. I know school is a bigger deal in life than what I share in my story but there may be another reason that the path you are so sure is the only one for you is not happening. If you pray, ask God which way He wants you to go from here, whether to stay, and what you need to do, steps to take to make it happen. I find that the moment I stop giving the "Honey Do" list of what we want from God, and just spend time appreciating HIm and talking to Him about anything but my needs and wants, then He answers a prayer. My rapid heart beat has gone back to normal but still have the slightly erratic and high blood pressure. I have a feeling that the more time I spend with God, the more he will answer me or show me what to do and is indeed showing me some things I can garden and grow that help lower BP or He can outrightly heal my of. If there is yet another way, I am open to that. The important part is staying open to Gods way of answering our petition, even if the road, the way, or vehicle He uses to get us there is not one we want to take.
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