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Moving Forward- non-existent love life.
So, I do not have the best of luck with men and I think it is because I need to do a lot of mental healing. With that being said, I have these unhealthy crushes on guys for years and nothing ever happens. I also have this really unhealthy cycle where if I like a guy they won't like me back or if a guy likes me I do not like them back. Honestly, I think it is a curse and I think I am destined not to have anyone in my 30's. Moving forward, I've had an unhealthy obsession with a guy that I have liked for years. I have terrible social anxiety and have never spoken to him much before...I have met this guy through a mutual interest and think he is the weirdest guy ever. During events, I used to catch eyes with him all the time and he would purposely be around me. There were times I felt like he would purposely try to get my attention but not talk to me face to face. I'm not sure if he was doing that deliberately because he knows I liked him or because he's just a weird person... There are times I think he is nervous around me.
Next...
It wasn't until about a year or so ago where he took over an organization. I used to try to get a hold of him through messenger or email, than he would ignore all my messages. Nevertheless, I was upset when he didn't reply to my messages about things about the organization. I then, messaged a friend about him not helping me out,then he helped me out and if it wouldn't be friends for my friends help today, he would have never contacted me back.
I'm really confused by his lack of maturity and now he's more responsive with my messages. He still ignores me in public... does he not like me? What is his deal? He even tries to flirt with me and used to be wherever I was in public.
I need closure and wish I wouldn't like this guy anymore...
Why does he avoid me? He does not even pursue me...
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There's a lot that needs to happen for you before you can worry about how to go about finding a healthy relationship which I also have a document i can send with instructions but we need to first focus on your getting over the extreme social anxiety. I have been there and got scared my last year in High school knowing I wasn't ready for navigating the adult world while having such anxiety in talking to people. My social anxiety meant that I not only couldn't start conversations or even talk long conversations with anyone but I hated the feeling that people were staring at me and my wondering what they were thinking. Any blunder I made, I was sure people would laugh at me, even if in secret. I couldn't get up to sharpen a pencil because it meant other kids might stop to look at what I was doing and I hated the idea of any eyes on me. Today I am very outgoing, have no problem starting conversations, even with strangers, am comfortable talking to the opposite sex, and absolutely love to make people laugh so I enjoy and feel comfortable if eyes are on me. I am pasting in a document on how I overcame this social anxiety.
My Dad was a very friendly extroverted person and always bringing home new friends he had made. Us kids liked it cus these “uncles” would bring candy for us and many had accents from around the world with lots of interesting stories too.
It took until I was about 16/17 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got.(P.S. I have since read about the answers I got, in a book by a Psychologist who talked about how to get over social anxiety and it was the same stuff I felt I heard from God.) It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there. For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.
1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they don't even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick out a ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people. This process didn't take all that long. Since I wasn't pressured to master any level quickly, I went my own pace and as I saw how easy it was and how no bad things happened, that spurred me to work on getting to the next level, even though each new level scared me at the start but by the end, I was comfortable. Let me know when you have mastered this and I will talk to you about how to find Mr. Right. This should
help you.
To write me back later, check the grey-blue section at the left and find and click on 'search advice columnists' and once there, look for me under dragonfly magic. Open my column and then write to me from there. Blessings to you dear.
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