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How can I cope with my mother's words?
Long story short, that tiktok that says "your mother loves you but she doesn't like you" describes it well. She does so much for me, she loves me but her words are so venomous if I do something wrong. I am a young adult, I don't drink, smoke or do any of that. I mind my own business and don't get in trouble. I focus on my studies. But throughout my life, she has said things that have struck me and haunted me, comments about my looks, and intellect. She knows I will never be like her, she was practically THE girl and I'm just a girl. I want her to accept me and like me. I want her to listen to me and not just understand whatever based on the image she has of me. She lies and says she doesn't care if I end up being a disappointment and choosing to do what I love to do because she wants me to be happy but she makes no effort to listen to my work and tells people she wanted me to pursue business instead. Whenever I come home she's so excited to see me she gives me hugs and then an hour or so later she gets mad at me. I guess that's just what being a mother does to you.
I can't change her. But I want to adapt. I want to be able to wake up and not feel unloved, I want to be able to go about my day and actually be able to not let these thoughts and words consume me. I need advice on how to cope with this, what to do to not mind her temper and feelings.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Its sad when the very place that we should be able to go to be loved unconditionally, build it, and strengthened, and cheer us when we are having a hard time, is not happening, home is not a refuge.
I experienced that in a first marriage. And this was a man who went to church and I thought had a stronger faith but after marriage, shortly after a terrible side of him came out. He would try to tear me down in front of family and tell them to shut up when they tried to defend me. He was verbally abusive. Normally, the stress of verbal abuse messes with a persons mind but sometimes can show physically. Though I did get some physical manifestations, the more common reaction in the abused spouse, did not happen in me. I had someone I could go to anytime and am just telling my story, what worked for me. If you keep trying all things and nothing works for you, you just might want to try what I did. Of course, I was a believer, having asked Jesus to be my Savior and I prayed often. SO when he became upset with me, accused me of something, I would go in prayer to ask God if perhaps I had done something wrong and I especially remember one response, that it was not my fault. That my husband was reacting to my tone of voice, imagining something in me that did not exist. When God told me He found no problem with me, it felt like a great weight lifted off. There were times when I would again go in prayer to God and I truly believe that is what kept my sanity intact. It is good that you realize you can't change her. Change must be wanted and come from within her. There were a couple times I also grabbed my car keys and left the house because he followed me to every room I went to get away from him and pray. I would usually go to the beach to watch the sunset as that wasn't far from home and being there brought some peace as well. Other than that, there is no real advice for your situation.as I don't know your family at all, let alone well enough to know if there are some things that if I knew them, would suspect they may be the issue. Ask yourself if there was a time when she did not act this way, and try to remember when it changed. Is your father still in the picture, and if so, talk to him and let him know how you feel. If there is no father, perhaps she is unhappy about that and all the unhappiness in her has to be dumped out every day. I have heard that unhappy people will dump on the people most conveniently close, like other family members, and some times pick all, or choose just one. I will say one thing from what you have written, about her comments on your looks. intellect, and upset that you did not pursue business as she wanted you to. Things like this make me wonder if she is unhappy with how her life turned out, or perhaps as she is getting older, whats to mold you into a younger version of herself and try to force you to do the things she never did or wanted to keep on doing so that she could live her life vicariously through you. The fact that you don't allow that, is likely what makes her unhappy with you. I here from people all the time of parents practically starting war with their adult child who doesn't go to the school they want you to, get the job they want you to get, date and or marry someone they have not picked out for you and so on. Parents have threatened to stop paying for school or cast their child out of the family, maybe even out of the house. There are many others going through the same stuff. Many who like you feel unloved. All people need and deserve to not only feel loved but truly know they are loved. However, the very people one would thin should be able to show us their love, are human like us, have their own issues, and can be very unloving. I had both of my divorced parents at different times get upset over imagined things in their mind about me when I was raising my kids, and stopped talking to me for months each. I instinctively knew they needed time to get over what imagined wrong they had in their mind and keep trying after weeks or months to see if they were ready to pick up where we left off. I never asked them to apologize because the important thing for me was to forgive them. I did ask a sister who sided with my Dad, believing him because it truly was an action totally out of character for him., if she remembered this happening since it was about 30 years ago. She did not remember at all and I was okay with that. I can only say that even though I wasn't getting love from family at these times in my life, I still felt love from at least one source, from my Maker. God has love for us all. I can testify that I was lured away to not serving God, yet I know of some situations where He has protected me, regardless of where I was at. Now that I am back, I can only share what I feel is the best advice I can think of. If there was something simple that required you to do something and didn't involve God, I would say so but I don't know of anything. If lets say, you wanted more self confidence, okay I could give suggestions that don't mention God and praying, sorry if this upset you. It is not my intention to do so, only give the best advice I can.
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