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What kind of partner is good in the long run?
I currently have a bf and we are doing long distance. I'm still in school and he's working back home to save up for our future (we've talked about marriage). However over the past year of us being apart it has made me question if he is the right guy for me.
My dilemma is that he is and has been the best bf I could ever ask for. He loves me unconditionally, supports me, seen me at my worst and yet still loves and worships me. He would literally do anything to the best of his abilities to make me happy. He is completely different from any of the exes I've been with and that's what drew me to him. On the flip side the one thing that I find lacking in him and our relationship is the sense where I feel like he inspires me to grow to be the best version of myself. Although he's comfortable and makes me feel safe, I don't feel that he motivates me to grow. On his days off, he usually stays in bed and plays games, watches anime and stuff like that... Which is fine to a certain extent but I sometimes I just wish he would do something more proactive. In the past, the kind of guys that I normally date and have been attracted to have always been "go getters" which always kept me on my toes and made me want to be better just like them. However every single guy that I dated that were go getters would end up being selfish and not care enough about me. Now that I've gotten a taste of both kinds of characteristics I just don't know what to do with my current relationship..
In the span of 6 months I have developed two crushes with guys who are go getters and make me feel inspired.. I find myself really attracted to them which makes me fantasize what it would be like to date them instead. I feel horrible for thinking this way because my bf is working hard to save up for our future but he keeps telling me that he feels neglected (I've slowly kind of distanced myself away from from him because I was starting to feel confused with my feelings) .. on top of that his family literally treats me as if I'm their daughter in law already and so in a way I feel obligated to be in this relationship and see it through. I don't know if this is just a phase I'm feeling because of the distance. In your opinion, is it better to be with someone in the long run who's supportive, loyal, loves unconditionally, and safe or is it better to be with someone who inspires me to be the best version of myself and ultimately helps me reach my full potential? I'm scared that if I leave, and I go for someone who's a go getter that it will end up biting me in the butt again (they will end up being way to selfish)...I'm so conflicted I don't know what to do
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See, no one is perfect. The characteristics you are telling about him are very hard to find in anyone for long term as most people are very selfish.
As for motivation and activities, for a change, why don't you motivate yourself and him as well? Maybe you can be the inspirator yourself and help him grow? You can get inspiration from people, doesn't seem necessary that the motivation should come from one person only. Practically, a single person cannot have and be everything.
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I have to agree on one thing for sure, that you have to really feel sure before you can commit to a future with any guy. I don't know if the words you are using are being interpreted correctly by me, but it sounds like as great as he is, there are some things that give you concern. It sounds like 'motivating you" is something you want but for the most part I feel that other than receiving compliments about your strengths, your strengths being recognized, you are looking for someone to motivate you when that is really something you do from deep within your self. If a guy plays down all your strengths or tries to talk you out of something you want to do, then its not the right guy. This one likes sitting in bed, playing games, all things that aren't bad but ten years from now, if that is the only activity he does in spare time, instead of out hiking, swimming, biking or something else that you both could do away from home, you may find you can no longer tolerate it. When you say proactive, it sounds to me like you want a guy who is more than "a coach potato" the term from my generation describing what you said the current boyfriends down time is like. Too many kids today are raised with technology to entertain just their minds, but people do not know what it is like to be outdoors doing some fun activity. To help with all the confusion tho, following is a document I have pasted in called 'Looking for Mr. Right'. It helped me after a divorce, when looking for another marriage partner and that at age 50. So this thing about making good relationship choices isn't taught, but we stumble across at some point in life and it just took me a heck of a lot longer. So here it is...long answer for you but theres no way to shorten this kind of advice.
How to find Mr. Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be 'I want a guy who wants to have kids' or 'I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry','I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief', 'I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.' “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user.”
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the 'what you want', like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
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