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Please help me
i need advice for one of my problem i dont know what to do .could you help me .I had 2 friends in highschool but becuse of some problems in the past i had to keep distance from them.but they are not the cause of it.its me iam the problem.but after years also they msg me and tell me they want to see me talk to me .but when i think about them i think about my hurtful past abd its givivgvme pain .what should i do.iam in total confusion .i dont know what to do .its not their mistake that i distance from them but its just that they remind me of the dark past that i want to forget .what should i do should I reunite with them or should i ingnore them.when i ingnore them i feel like iam doing something wring but if I think about facing them i feel anxious, fear my heart beat began to raise .can you plese help me could you advice me on what should I do
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Hello. Hope you are well. From what I have gathered, your no longer friends are not at fault but they remind you of bad things so you cut ties to improve your mental health. There is nothing wrong with that but if they keep texting you or asking about you, it shows that they still care for you and are worried.
You don't have to bring them back in your life, but you can send them a message explaining why you are doing this to provide them closure. It would also end the relationship on a good note. You can not change the past but you can help them understand why you don't want to talk to them. I hope it settles down for you and that you feel better soon.
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I have never been in this position. However I do know what it feels like to be kept wondering regarding any issues with friend or family. If these people are true friends, they will understand when you tell them why you have been avoiding them. I think you only lucked out by avoiding them when there was Covid going around. Now that the virus is no longer an issue, if they thought you were remaining distant for that, they would surely notice that even though its over pretty much, you still haven't reached out to them.
A quick story: When I worked at a fast food place, there was a shift manager who barked and yelled at everyone, including me. My ex was verbally abusive so when she acted like that, it was a trigger for me and tho I did not get anxious, I had promised myself that from that point, the divorce, I would never allow someone to verbally abuse me again and I am not exaggerating when I state that what this manager was doing was verbal abuse. So my choices were run away to avoid it, or say something to her and hope that speaking up made a change in her.
So I spoke up.With the husband, I had already spoken up many many times in the past with no change so I simply left and later got the divorce.
When I spoke, it was gentle, and I did not use any accusatory tone of voice, I had nothing against her. I knew there had to be a reason whether she was aware or not of what she was doing. She said sorry and that she grew up with a verbally abusive Dad so she was so used to it that without thinking, was doing the same to others now. So I told her about my past and how when she spoke that way to me, I did not like it because it reminded me of the ex. I did not ask her to stop but she did stop treating me shabby. But funny thing, I was the only person she changed how she treated and all the others still got the verbal abuse. So right now, the first step might be talking to them. Since you will be operating in the adult world soon, I hope you will appreciate my sharing again about the time right before I graduated H.S. because I was painfully shy and afraid of talking to people I did not know. I knew that would not work well for me in my adult life. So I prayed about that situation. And I feel God told me what to do. I was amazed years later when I rented a psychology book by a person I found on line. What God told me, was exactly the way he helped people get over their anxieties, by facing them, not running away, but getting to work at your own pace
I was given simple steps, such as simply smiling at a stranger I was passing by. And that already was terrifying because I felt my smile might encourage them to stop and begin talking to me. To make the story shorter, I was anxiety free in a short time, about two months for me. Today, I am no longer like that. I am usually the first to speak up, especially with strangers. I always tell people that i went from no talking to being like a person who won't shut up. LOL but I do know how to tone things down if it makes someone else uncomfortable. I feel that facing your past, and getting the healing you need would be better than just avoiding it. I know also from my own experiences that if there is something else besides my shyness that I hadn't handled and overcome, that those issues followed me in my life, no matter what my age, until instead of avoiding certain people or situations, because the issue was with me, I faced them. Okay, now you probably want some suggestions as to what facing an issue might be. I recognized certain situations as a personal testing so I could know whether I had learned something from my past. So for example, having a verbally abusive ex, I had learned how to spot the red flags that told me something was wrong and a person would either be a perfectionist, never satisfied, angry or verbally abusive. So when i began to meet guys and date, I found the guys had only enough personal energy to keep up a charade for 2 or 3 dates. I believe they felt if a gal was willing to meet him again, that she liked him enough so that he could go back to being his true self and the woman would not mind because she liked him. There were 3 guys out of dozens, whom I'd met in person who changed by the 2nd, or 3rd date. I was not running into defective men because I hadn't learned anything. These were opportunities, I mentally told myself, for me to know I had learned to spot a troublesome man before getting in too deep with him. Because I had learned and dumped the guys by saying there just wasn't enough chemistry. Men understand that kind of thing. They may think they feel something, but it might only be visual, and I still feel zero attraction or do not want any one of them as my new partner. The battle for the most part, is always in the mind. I'm not perfect because I still have a few things I am not comfortable with even though I should be. I will eventually learn. But the big things like relationships, I had figured out. I would suggest seeing a therapist, counselor sort with the credentials CBT certified, if things don't improve with getting over your past. This sort of professional help is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. These Drs try first to see if it is your thoughts leading you astray instead of being born with a condition that can't be fixed by being more positive. Medication is only for the anxious or depressed who do not respond to therapy. Cognitive means our thinking abilities. How we think will affect our behavior, yet most Drs. will prescribe medication which still doesn't work well because its just masking the situation, not curing it. You want the cure.
I will put a link to the web page of this Psychologist so you can read and realize that others have been helped.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Wishing you all the best and some personal victories.
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