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Am I wrong and how do I trust?
I started dating a married man, we where both in bad marriages. I planned on leaving and he fell in love then lied to me saying he was in process of leaving. I found out the truth that he was having trouble leaving but now assures me he is and wants to give me proof in 1 week. Am I wrong for this? Then again how could I ever believe anything he says now?
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I will start with your question "Am I wrong for This?" My question is "Wrong for what?" because you describe what is going on, what he is doing or not doing and no solid explanation of what it is you are doing that you are concerned about. I understand it was there in your mind while writing. I have done that too but I read what I have written most times just to make sure no misspelling or awkward sentences and to see if it will make sense to someone else.
So rather than point out what things you might possibly be wrong for, I will describe my story to you and see if it helps you.
I married at age 20. It was not a good marriage even though the man attended church as I did and got involved in things there. We had 3 kids. He never touched them or me for the most part, just verbal abuse. That sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, is very untrue. Yes, words will hurt but back to the story. It got worse, but through it, my sanity was kept safe when I would pray and ask God if I did something wrong each time the husband blew up. I always heard back that God was okay with me and it was the husband who had the issues. I chose to believe what our church taught, "Allow God to heal your marriage" then one day to my surprise, God spoke to me. (I am merely sharing my actual experience, not trying to evangelize) So anyways, God told me that He gave free will to all, so the only way for my marriage to work, after 25 years the hubby had to get it right, was for God himself to take away the husbands free will and change him into a perfect husband. He said my husband had run out of time to act correctly with me, so I had a choice, to stay but I would die in 4 years due to the stress and sickness my body experienced that would turn into a terminal illness or I could leave him. Here is the rest of story that I feel may apply to you. I know not all of us hear clearly from God but it is possible and he does speak to those also who have never followed him. So I do not make up any of what I heard in my mind. After trying talks where the hubby would not pleasantly work through a divorce, I went to see a paralegal to ask what my options were and all she said was that I should get back together with him and wait for a mutual decision to get a divorce. I planned on leaving like you but after calling around to the supposed help services for women, I found that none existed for women who were verbally abused, only if you were battered and beat and had the marks to prove it. My hurts were on the inside where they can't be seen. So I was upset and talked to all my friends, and even coworkers to see if any had maybe a rec-room downstairs where I could rent or rent a bedroom. I was surprise to find how many women I worked with who had experienced the same in their lives. But no one could take me except for friends out of state, quite a ways away. Husband didn't really love me but also didn't want to grant me the divorce. So I had to leave him, married as I still was. The longer I was away, the more single I felt as if I had divorced. I got lonely for having a good partner, so I put up an ad. I told the guys of my situation and how I was still married. I had learned what it looked like or sounded like if the husband I left had hidden issues. I found that when I dated, I could easily spot the potential problems, as I am sure you can, you just have to connect the dots in your mind and know that behavior A will produce situation B. I did meet some bad guys who were initially faking it, being nice. I learned that most people put their best foot forward and try to lure a woman to fall for him. And usually if she's willing to go on a 2nd or 3rd date, they are so hopeful they've snookered you that they let down their guard and let their real self show. So yes, I have been lied to as well, just over something different, something the guy knew I did not want because I had stated my wants and needs in my profile for a guy and he was blatantly lying and even forgot himself and did it. I always chose to believe a guy at the start but was looking for consistency. So yeah, you do need to hang out with a guy long enough to see if this nice guy you're starting to have feelings for will always be the man he is showing you at the start if he seems a good guy at the start. Well, I met such a guy. We got together. I was still married. So was he but he had separated from his wife and his teen daughter begged to go with him. The wife had her problems and no longer wanted to be with him but due to a mix up that lawyers couldn't fix, she would be in the U.S. illegally if no longer married since she's born in Canada and proof of her citizenship in Canada was stolen with her purse so any legal change would mean sending her back where she has no family as she was adopted and the adopters were horrible and most likely long dead by now. She has no home or job if she returns so he decided to remain married to her for her sake. I left in 2008 and it wasn't until 6 years later that the husband I was legally married to, finally was ready to divorce and got that done 2014. In all my time of dating before I met the man who I consider my 2nd husband, I never dated any married man who was still living with his wife. SO there is a difference in this man I am with, whom I call my husband, and he calls me wife. The difference is that for all rules and purposes, he is no longer the husband of this previous wife of his. Its just not stamped legal by government documents. So I may be divorced, but my husband is not and for the sake of his "ex" he is still married to her. I know I can trust him because he has been consistent in all that I have seen, heard or witnessed of him. So I was still married when I got involved with my 2nd husband. The difference is, I left the other husband, you know like a separation only thats not what it was, not temporary til back together or divorced but him thinking he could still torture me by not granting a divorce. So by time he was ready to divorce, I had been living with my new man for many years.
You may not have gotten the whole truth from this guy who is married. One guy I had 1st and only meet up with him at a restaurant, told me the truth, that he was married and did not want to divorce but just find a woman who would be his sex partner since he claimed his wife never had sex with him anymore. I don't know if that part is true. However I once read a true story of a man whose wife was ill, wheelchair ridden and too sick to have sex anymore. The man found a female willing to be his sex partner and his wife gave her permission and okay because she knew she couldn't give him what he needed and wanted him to have that if he would still stay with her because they were best friends.
And that brings me to chemistry. There is such a thing as chemistry for being friends, and romantic chemistry for being lovers. Both are needed to have a healthy relationship. Thats why you and I are not friends with everyone we've ever met, because nice as they may be, something just doesn't click there. Its the same with a romantic chemistry. Sadly, most married people have only one or the other, they are best friends but not lovers or at least neither is satisfied sexually, or they are sex partners but are not best friends. I have both with my now husband. With my ex, I had neither of the two. A person who is best friends only but not sex partner with their spouse is going to be unhappy and think about or maybe really get a divorce or will have an affair one time or on going. So this guy comes out and tells me he is looking for a partner for sex. I told him that ultimately I was looking for a life long husband but until I met the guy, I might think about being a sex partner if his wife were to meet me and give her position. He turned white and said he could never do that. He didn't want to hurt her because he loved her (as a friend mind you) and she would never go for it and it would end in divorce which he couldn't afford. So either she and he were best friends only and not a good match romantically, or they were perfect, just needed some counseling, or he was the bad guy, looking for sex outside the marriage.
So I don't look down on you cus at 20 I knew little and married someone who was not my best friend as far as he interacted with me, and certainly not as a lover. And to be truthful, it was all about him, not me, I was just a hole for him to spill his cum. I don't know which status applies to you and husband and also you and the new guy but am willing to bet that with both, you don't really have it all, you may only think you do. In my case, I just simply tried to fool myself and made excuses in my mind for my ex.
The smartest thing I heard was your question of how can you believe anything he says now. I don't know if you just got together or had some discussions before doing so. I talked, and definitely about some things that people are told to not talk to a prospective new partner about so early. That's why I preferred what I called a meet up, not a date, at a place of my choosing, always a coffee shop and from there on, if a guy still wanted to date, he could or he could walk away and I would not come unglued.Also, I would drive myself, not let him take me in his car because I leave myself open to danger in case he is not a good person and would consider harming me.
So how can you believe what he says now? From an example given in a sermon about sin, I applied that analogy to a relationship and understood better what is going on. I heard about a storage jar, much like what contained water in historical times like in the Bible stories. By looking at the jar, you had no idea what was on the inside unless you took off the stopper or lid to look in. We can't do that with people. But if a person is hiding something in their character that they instinctively know would not sit right with any woman, they hide it inside. However things like that don't stay hidden for long. Through cracks in the jar, liquid will ooze out in bits, whether its water or wine etc. With a person, they can only handle the stress of pretending to be someone they are not, for only so long before you will spot something that unknown to them, has leaked out of them, glaring enough for you to see. Its what the sermon mentioned as sin or call it the bad characteristics in us. I was an open book, sharing all my 'spots and wrinkles' in character for guys I met who could ask also any question and I would answer. They knew what they'd be getting if they dated me.
You mention he wants to give proof in 1 week, that he has what....left her and has divorce proceedings scheduled. He can say what ever he wants a zillion times but that doesn't make it true. You know that saying, "I'll believe it when I see it." In a relationship, I think that way. He can say he loves me all he wants, but does the man prove it with something that I can see and observe, witness him doing in how he treats me. Thats what prove or proof means. Dictionary says: Proof is the statement or argument that compels the mind to accept an assertion as true. Where I learned I had made a mistake was in accepting more words as proof, when I should have been looking for something other than words as the proof of whatever statement, or promise or claim that has been made. So ask yourself what you are willing to accept as proof other than his spoken words? Will he have divorce papers to show you, give you the name of a lawyer he's working with who has his permission to verify with you that the divorce proceedings are in the works, or maybe he has moved out and has his own place, after the divorce or while it is still being worked out, you figure out what is the proof you need. If he can't provide it, then it's all wishful thinking or lies on his part. Perhaps he doesn't want to divorce because he wants best friends in one woman and sex partner in another. That means if you are willing to go along with that, both you and he are cheated out of having a healthy fulfilling marriage and despite what you have pretended to believe was an improvement, you have accepted something as bad as what you already have, only bad in a different way perhaps. If the truth of him leaving was found out by you only from what he has said, then that is not perfect proof. While it may be true, just as in court, words of the two parties when opposite are not enough proof for the judge to say who is in the right and who is in the wrong. Evidence that can be shown to the judge, verified by other people who have witnessed that a situation is or isn't correct, is pretty much the few things that are accepted in court and should be in a relationship as well. I know this is all a very long jumble of stories and statements. So if you have any specific thing I have not answered or you want to add to ask, then you can look me up under Tab for browse advice columnists in the blue strip on the left here. Then look me up, thats dragonflymagic, and go to my column to write me from there.
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