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I can’t seem to pull the trigger on my divorce
My husband (36M) and I (35F) will be together 13 years, married for 10 years this summer. I have thought about divorcing him everyday for the past 8. We have a daughter (8F) together.
We we’re always fine until we moved to his hometown 8 years ago. Before that I was in the service and he was in construction. Once we got near his family- EVERYTHING changed.
His family, specifically his dad, is always around- every day - all day. I wake up and his truck is in my driveway. His other family members- mom, sister, uncle’s, grandparents are constantly here too. There is no peace. To the point where I cry (to myself) from frustration and now so does my daughter. We’re just like, “GO AWAY!”. They are all good people and no one is malicious or purposely trying to annoy us. They are just an extremely close family and they have welcomed me as truly one of them.
I’ve raised this issue to my husband and he tells me they’re not here as much as they are, that I’m crazy, that it’s not that bad, that I’m dramatic, that they just like me and why am I being so mean (I’m not mean to them directly but when I tell my husband it comes out as “this is absolutely ridiculous i can’t take it anymore “)
I run a successful business and my husband works for me, has for 5 years. So his income is completely dependent upon me. I don’t want to ruin him and I don’t want to keep our daughter from him. In fact, I don’t need child support of just like to require that he put a certain amount in savings for her each month.
If we divorced he’d have to go back to construction.
He’d also have to really downsize his lifestyle- he flaunts that “he” has money and has everything a man’s-man could want. If he wants it - he gets it. He asks me for it and if I say no he’ll just keep begging until I’m like, “fine! Go!” Like a kid he just wears you down and drives you crazy. I’m going to work to continue to build my business and have nothing to show for it.
He swears CONSTANTLY in front of our daughter “F this, F that.” He yells out loud about her friends in the other room “I don’t want that little fuck who can’t listen in my house - she’s an asshole”…he’s saying this about a little girl who is 8, and she can hear him, and she didn’t commit any serious offense. Maybe he said pick this up and she smarts back, “oh whatever 🙄” - that warrants that reaction.
Everything I say or experience is not accurate according to him. I was having a difficult day mentally once and told him what I was going through and he corrected me telling me how I experience my PTSD from the service. He’s never been in the military. He doesn’t have PTSD. HE’s NOT ME.
Another example would be - I told him my daughters friend can't come to her birthday party because her friend will be at her dads. Which I never said and I know I didn't because, how would I know that? I don't. He said I told him her mom texted me that. Again, how is that possible- "look at my texts, that's not there."
"Yes it is."
"Literally look"
"I'm not looking at something I know is there"
He's a Major gaslighter.
He is impossible to argue with because whatever he says is true, you can't even argue your side because he will tell you something in front of his face is not there. In a room full of people. Who have EYEBALLS. he's not delusional-he just refuses any truth that he doesn't like.
All day is constant guilt trips with him and things he needs - "I need this" "I need that" "I need your help" "how do I do this" he needs me to help him with the most ridiculous things or he'll say he needs help and has literally called me out to his garage to be there to watch him do something. Like a kid. I can tell how the way he is now is a direct effect of the way his parents raised him. He's still a boy. He wants to be up my butt 24/7 - just like his family.
He never, in his life, has ever had to pay the price for a mistake - big or small - and his behavior reflects that.
In 2019 I couldn't take it anymore- the gaslighting made me not know if what I experienced was true or not, I thought I was crazy. I was stressed out if my mind running/building the business, he worked for me at that point but really what he did was drink beer with his father all day, which he still does. He'll tell me he doesn't have time to get all of his work done while taking at least every Monday and most of Friday off to drink beer with his dad. It's insane.
Anyway, in 2019 I had enough and told him - for real this time because it was a regular occurrence, that I was divorcing him. This time was different and He knew I was serious initially he through a giant fit and when that didn't work he got on his hands and knees and cried and begged, "Please don't, please don't, please dont" over and over.
It didn't work. He went to stay at his parents and would call ME to have a shoulder to cry on about his hard time with this divorce. I would tell him - call one of his family members who are around him 24/7 , i an not the one he should be crying to. I had warned him and warned him. FOR YEARS. Of course he said he didn't know.
And at that point he couldn't gaslight me, he had to tell the truth because the second he'd try his shit with me he knew I'd shut down and not speak to him so his "I didn't know" went like this...
"I didn't know."
"How could you not know when I've told you several times? I'm not accepting that bullshit from you."
"..."
"Do you admit that I said what was wrong"
"Yes."
"Do you have ear that hear?"
"Yes"
"I speak English, do you comprehend English"
"Yes"
"Do you recognize how that'd make it impossible for you not to know then?"
"Yes"
"You knew, you just thought you were going to keep getting away with your bullshit."
"..."
However, I am - UNFORTUNATELY a very empathetic person. I can't stand to be in the room or on the phone with someone hurting. I hurt the same as they do. And I felt guilty even though I should not have. He knows this and made sure to stay around me constantly even though I'd say, "go away, you need to leave, stay away." Nope.
And he suckered me right back in.
The swearing in front of our daughter stopped.
His family was gone.
He'd kiss up to my family and friends.
He'd do everything for me.
And he complimented everything I am or did.
That was 2019.
Within 6 months, almost right back where we were.
He'd swear in front of our daughter and I'd say, "one of our agreements was that you were t going to speak like that in front of her."
"I don't fucking care."
And that's where I am at. I do not understand how someone who LITERALLY KNOWS he is going to lose his house, his wife, his job, his truck, his EVERYTHING and already almost did would continue to do those exact actions - as if the clock had not already ran out on him before...
What saved him last time was 2 things - MY family, who told me to leave him, flipped on me and were all basically like "we feel bad for him." "Are you sure?" And "well I'd never tell you to get a divorce but I'll support you no matter what you choose."
they did tell me that
I had chosen soooo....wtf?
The other, and this is the big one still holding me back, is my relationship with god. I know it says divorce is a sin and you shouldn't get divorced - for better or for worse. This is my for worse. I also don't think god put me here to be miserable my entire life. I understand long-suffering when it comes to serving the lord if it's required. But this is the suffering I'm supposed to go through? For what reason? I'm just supposed to be like my grandmother and mother and put up with it because men are men?
There is CONSTANT drinking going on because of his family constantly being here, myself included. If I lived alone I'd probably have 8 beers, in a month - total - I wouldn't even pick it up at the store. With this family the beer fridge is STOCKED at all times (on my dime) and I can probably drink 8 in a night - my husband and his dad can kill 30 together every day. I don't want that constantly around my daughter, that's how I grew up and I know how that is. My point - it's not exactly godly living this way from the drinking aspect.
I feel like I could live a better life and one god would be proud of if I wasn't with him. Does that justify a divorce?
I can't take it anymore, divorce consumes my mind. I'm constantly frustrated, want to cry. I'm so sick of feeling like this and I don't deserve it.
I want out but I feel like he's going to manipulate me and use major guilt trips. Also, we live in pa and he knows he doesn't have to leave the house and he won't and I'm not going to either - I pay for it and everything in it. If I leave he may have the right to keep it over me. Plus this is my daughter's home and I'm her mother and not to offend anyone but if you read the above she needs me to be here.
HELP! ADVICE! ANYTHING? Thank you!
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I went through this with my ex wife of over 8 years! Ive never really opened up about how it truly was because i was always to busy protecting her image as a mother. No matter what i did i was always wrong and just like you i could never argue with her because no matter what it was her way or no way. It was always constant belittling and gas lighting! She would embarrass me in front of friends and my family the point where i wouldnt go or have anyone around anymore and that is what she wanted to do was alinate me from everything i loved. This went on for years and like you I was very empathetic and wanted to make sure she was ok and our kids were ok. I worked non stop building a life and she sat back and watched and did nothing to help but demand her wants in life and to reap the rewards of my time blood swet and tears into what i was building. Her family was always constantly around and now mind you i dont have problem with family coming around but there should be a little respect and some privacy. Her family was always constantly involved on our personal lives that no one she have really known except the two of us. Our finances our love life everything you could think of they were involved in and i cant even begin to tell you how many times i had bailed out her family financially and put my goals on the back burner to do it and never even heard a thank you.
Divorce starting consuming my thoughts about 6 years into our marriage and i would always say to her someday you're gonna wish you would have just listened to me. But of course i would just get laughed at or name called or ran into the ground in anyway she possibly could. I started talking to someone about our issues and would always ask her to come with me but would get laughed at or not taken seriously. But it opened my eyes because i was so blinded by all the negativity and the constant belittling i had lost who i was. This person helped me realize that i had a ton of self worth left and that she needed me more than i needed her and it started waking me up to all the nonsense i had been dealing with over the years with her.
I had quickly realized that my marriage wasnt real it was a roomate situation and i was the one with all the responsibilities. Bills the house the cars the kids the everything you could think of with no real reward at the end of the day. Im not a man who expects anything in return for what i do for people but to have someone who you know truly appreciates what you do for them makes all the hard work worth it.
One day i was out in my garage and had just finally had enough. I couldn't deal with it anymore i walked in looked her dead in the eyes and said im done told her my plan i would still be there for our kids and be there financially but i couldnt take it anymore. And walked out the door and filed for my divorce. Some of my family was kind of against it and some were not but at the end of the day my happiness and my peace of mind is what was important to me. They werent the ones who had to live the life i was and deal with the constant gut blows or the constant gas lighting because it will never stop when people are that way. They all promise the world and say what you wanna hear until they think ok or has blown over and think im good again to start being the person i truly know how to be.. we have one shot at life there are no do overs in the end.
I prayed a lot and prayed god would put someone in my life who was truly meant for me. We may not think he is listening but god does open doors for us and sometimes in the worst of times he will opens door or will throw signs until you notice. And he did just that for me.! Pray and pray some more and he will answer your needs and wants and might just put someone who you thought in a million years could never exist into your life.
You have to do what is gonna be right for you and your daughter because living that life is not healthy. You deserve to be treated right in life and to have someone who will never take you for granted. I looked at it like this my kids were constantly watching their mother disrespect me put me down or were watching the constant arguments. I refuse to let them grow up and think that kind of behavior is acceptable and its acceptable to be treated that way because its not in no way shape or form is it ok. They deserve to see their mommy or daddy happy and to see them being treated as an equal to their partner in life. Because we dont want them to grow up and have to live that way and think its acceptable.
But i always say dont ignore the signs from above. Opportunities will come your way if you just open your heart to it and normally if your heart and gut are telling you that is whats right for you go after it. But If you're at this point to where you as a person just cant deal with it anymore and it literally consumes your whole mindset then its time to make a change! Its time to close that chapter in life and start writing a new one. Surround yourself with good people and people you know will be by your side through this. Its gonna be hard and ther will be days of doubt but by the sounds of it nothing will change until you make it happen. A healthy home for you and your child is what you deserve in the end and for your child to see you in a healthy relationship someday. Keep your head up and keep fighting everyday and praying and god will put the right people into your life and help guide you through this and show you the light at the end of the tunnel.
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How about I share my story with you as I too had to consider a divorce and then go through with it, and I am a Christian too. I am grandmother age and remember the same scriptures as you do regarding divorce. I believe that unknowingly, people sometimes interpret scripture differently or not completely enough for Gods message to go through. I say this because God spoke to me clearly telepathically, you know, that still voice in my head. I can tell you I knew it wasn't me coming up with what I heard. I was verbally abused all of my marriage and our 3 daughters witnessed it. He yelled and swore alot. The stress from it had to go one of two ways, it settles in your body and you get illnesses and can get something terminal just from the stress. Or, the stress goes to your mind and a woman will get depressed, have little to zero self confidence, worry and perhaps display symptoms of a mental illness. It affected my body. My blood pressure rose, got migraines, daily headaches, total body rashes that came and went often, stomach ulcers and a few more. When he got done chewing me out, I would go pray in private and ask God if I had truly done anything wrong. He'd always tell me No. God explained that the husband was the one with some problems and sometimes got angry and imagined that my tone of voice was mean and snippy. Hah, I knew better than that because if said anything to defend myself, that was like throwing fuel on the fire.
The real irony here was that in the beginning when asked to marry him, I had turned to God and prayed asking if it was okay and God had said yes. I know God is a loving God so He wasn't doing something to hurt me. I saw this as God wanting me to grow and learn something. I am a very loyal person by nature, though not empathetic like you, however I know that those two traits are something that would cause me to stay until death do us part.
What follows now is what I heard from God so I hope you get your own teaching and instructions.
So one day God told me that it was not a selfish
thing to think of my own welfare first. Our main purpose on earth is relationships, building a relationship with our Lord and Savior, with our family and with friends we are blessed with and then reaching out to help ones we may not know.
God said to think of myself as a Garden hose. He wants his Love to flow freely through us, but his love can't flow well if there are cracks and leaks, a kinked hose or a blockage of some kind in the hose. I have to learn to love myself, not 80 or 90% but 100% which I was not doing by staying with my husband and letting myself be subject to his torment. A loyal streak and hearing how God hates divorce, as i had heard plenty of times in church, had me staying. So when I made no move to leave, God spoke to me when I wasn't seeking an answer to a question. He told me that my husband had broken all of wedding vows by not loving and cherishing me, and so on. And that meant I was free to leave and get a divorce. I think God knew I was still reluctant, afraid maybe it was not Him but just my own thought. Then I heard from him that he would not force me, that the choice was mine. However if I stayed with the husband, I would be dead in 4 years. Now that is not something I would come up with to tell myself, thats scary stuff. I knew from my own Mom that when she divorced my Dad and remarried, the man she choose only made matters worse and she was very stressed with no relief and she wasn't a believer at the time. The stress broke her body down to the point she got cancer and later died of it. So I knew it was serious and possible. I was probably at my last chance to separate myself from a source that was slowly killing me so at any point if I stayed, I would get a fast growing Cancer or fatal Heart attack or something related that would take my life. I wanted to see my daughters married and be a grandmother. I wasn't ready to go. So my decision was made, I had to leave. I left out that before this point, a retired counselor friend told my husband that he needed help. It wasn't a matter of marriage counseling but he had witnessed symptoms of mental illness in the husband. He got my husband to start looking for a Dr. who could work with him. I went along this search and both of us liked the 3rd person we met. Later I overheard him telling a friend on the phone that he was only pretending to go to appts because there was nothing wrong with him but he was doing this to keep me. Now I knew he wasn't willing to get better and that was his last chance and when God told me I should leave him. I even got a vision while meditating, of seeing the two of us with a cord that attached at our stomaches, the kind of ribbon where an official cuts the ribbon to announce an opening or start of something. In my case, I was handed scissors and told that this was my last chance to decide to stay despite what I now knew, or to leave. If I were to cut that ribbon in my vision, it would mean I was truly separated from him in all ways, even emotionally. I tell you it was hard and scary. Well change is like that for most everyone. But I knew God was serious and if I cut that ribbon, even though in a vision, things would change quickly and the marriage would end. I did cut that ribbon. It helped me to be determinded to save myself. The last child was now an adult at 18, and though I asked her if she wanted to come with me, she opted to stay. I had friends out of state who would take me in. Basically, in waiting one more year for daughter to turn 18, I had 3 years left if considering what God said. I had brought up divorce several times to my husband. One time he was leaving out of town and said when he got back, he'd sleep on the murphy bed until we got a divorce. However once back, he argued over and over about how he would not grant me a divorce and claimed by pointing to items that everything was his and I couldn't have everything. Of course that wasn't true. So in desperation to leave, I decided to leave before a divorce and I did. I stayed one year away before coming back since my eldest was expecting and due at a time when her Navy husband was on a ship. I lived with her a while, then with a friend while saving up to get into an apartment of my own. I met a guy who also for reasons I won't go into, couldn't get a divorce from his wife but wanted to find a woman with whom he could love and grow old with. So I had only dated him a short time before I heard from my husband who said he had a lawyer who wrote up a divorce contract and all they needed was my signature. However that was 5 years it took him to get to that point because he kept saying no to me. i wanted to be free of him so that if he got into debt that no one could come after me to pay it up. I didn't get any money out of it. We each had our own vehicles so there was only the house. the contract was for him to get the house, and I got my maiden name back. I was happy with that as I could not afford the house payments, and he operated a business out of the house and was established in that for quite some time so I wanted him to have it for that reason too. I am now divorced from him since Sept. 2014. Due to the technicalities with the man I met, he wasn't free to marry but we've been together going on 14 years this summer and though we had a small gathering to commemorate, we aren't legally married but consider ourselves married and as for marriage partners, its like night and day in difference. I am so loved and cared for, we never fight, we may disagree sometimes but its never ending in a fight. I am at peace. Even my own adult daughters saw the change in my appearance and how I looked so much healthier and happier after I left their Dad. I Should have left earlier since the watching how dad treated me, caused one of my daughters to shy away from marriage and woldn't date a guy unless he was a wimpy milktoast type of person who would be happy to let her be the one in control and just goes along with mostly all her wishes. Because of that, I wish I had come to my senses sooner and spared them some of the actions of their Dad on their emotions. Since you have a daughter, she is watching and seeing how her Dad acts and most likely could be affected so that she may not be able to have a normal life. Staying teaches her as you said to put up with it all, cus men are just men. Yeah, lots of duds out there but there are a few good ones and I found one.
Now I would ask you to do the same I did and communicate with God. Your path may not be exactly the same as mine, but God will surely lead you so you know what steps to take. The lesson I now know God had for to learn was to not only love the Lord with all my heart but to LOVE myself. A women can't be truly loving herself if she allows someone to continually teat her badly by staying in that situation, that job, that marriage. It would be nice if we could just fix a marriage by what we did. My church had a phrase, "Trust God to heal your marriage." God told me that is so wrong because first, He gave each of us a free will therefore if He were to change my ex by force into the perfect husband, then the ex wouldn't have had free will. God knew there was a chance this man wasn't going to do the right thing from the beginning but was Good enough to allow my ex the chance to learn and change. When that didn't happen, something good still came of it. I grew as a believer and learned to love myself first so that I could truly be well enough to love others. Oh yes, also the verse about loving your neighbor as yourself doesn't mean you love the neighbor first because the word appears first due to how the scripture is written. (Another thing God showed me) It simply means that the way you should love your neighbor is the way you first love yourself." So remember the garden hose story.
You could if you chose to mention marriage counseling and see if he is willing to go. If he goes and it doesn't change, then you proceed with divorce, or if he isn't willing to go for whatever reasons, then it the same, proceed to divorce. Since you employ him, I wouldn't let that stop you. See what God says about that. Me, just logically looking at it, yes, he'd probably have to find work if you fired him. If he can still be nice as an employee, then you give him the choice if he wants to stay or look for other work. However if this is a sole Proprietor business you have and it grew to need one employee and it's him, then as its not a larger company, but the both of you would be working closely together, it would be like bolting the front door and leaving the back door open so he can come and try to torture you at work or sabotage the business somehow. If you talk to a lawyer, it would be best to know what is the best strategy. Perhaps divorcing and giving your husband a time frame in which to find work so you aren't just firing him. However if he shows no signs of leaving employment for a new job, then when the time limit is up, he is let go. If you feel that the daughter will suffer from a divorce, think of what I said regarding my one daughter. I also knew a guy my husband worked with who told us he was astounded when his daughter begged him to get a divorce because the mom/wife was very bad and it made life hell for the child also. The child preferred to see both her parents happy with new partners. Sometimes that is the best thing for the children rather than staying together. Sorry how long this was but I felt you needed to hear every bit I shared. Blessings to you.
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