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Wedding and death of my brother.
Hi everyone,
I hope whoever is reading this has the patience and understanding that I am looking for, it makes me a little uncomfortable to write here and look for advice from strangers, but I need to vent to people who might not be judgmental to my given situation.
Me and my Fiancé have been engaged for two years, we are both 29 years old and were supposed to get married in the summer, next June. My brother lives in the U.S and both me and my Fiance are live in a different country.
My two sisters, who live with him in the U.S, called me about a month ago saying he has passed away in his sleep. Of course, this was such a big shock to everyone and even to my Fiance, because he was his good friend even after the relationship between them went long distance. It is a tragedy and we are going through a lot of grief and agony and sadness. Nothing will ever be the same and my entire family is hurt and lost and are feeling many different emotions.
My part of the family has always had a very difficult time reuniting since all my siblings live in U.S and I am living here with my mom. So me and my mom are always going back and fourth and sometimes it is difficult for my siblings to do the same due to work and responsibilities that they have. The biggest problem with our wedding was that my brother kept talking about how he wasn't sure he was gonna make it because he had a lot of things to take care of in terms of work, etc.
The big issue now is that my mom doesn't want to leave my sisters alone in the U.S and wants to live with them for the time being, until they get a job and a nice home for them to live with, she also has to go back for medical reasons since she has a lot of health issues. Which means that I would be staying here in this country alone.
Me and my Fiance have decided to get legally married (for religious reasons) and move into our home until we can celebrate later with the people that we love (A year from now. I figured I should postpone the wedding till next year in respect to my brother and me and my family's feelings towards the loss. ) We know that right now, it is not the time to party and throw a wedding, and no one wants to. Of course it breaks my heart that my brother isn't here and that even when we decide to do something in the future, he wont be here. But I also have a lot of disappointment to how all of this ended up happening.
Obviously, like any woman, I was dying to be a bride, I had all these plans of how my wedding would be, and I feel so hurt and disappointed that nothing went as planned. I know this is life, but what I mean is that I am worried that we will get married, live together, and lose all the essence of me becoming a 'bride' in the future. I am not trying to be some brat, I swear. This is just how I feel and the reason why I decided to write this is to be FREE of any judgement. I cant talk to anyone about this matter because it comes off as selfish. I lost my brother too, and it pains me, but I also lost the happiness that goes with getting married the way that I envisioned and had a picture of in my head.
The legal marriage will continue, and my Fiance is super supportive, he wants to be there for me, wants me to lean on him while I grieve, and is doing everything to show me that he is THERE and I love that so much! I just have terrible anxiety that I wont ever be a bride, will never have a wedding, and will never be able to have that in my life. Growing up, I never went to college on campus or did many things that a lot of people experienced. Getting married is a big milestone for me. I think for anyone.
Do you think that if we get married, move in, it will lose the essence of us doing a wedding later?
Do you think that it makes a difference at all?
He told me that him and his family want to see us get married and have a wedding, but that they all understand that now it is not the time and respect that and actually don't want that now either. He is being supportive and everything, I just don't want the day to come when him, or any of my family members, tell me "Why are you even making a wedding, aren't you already married?" it may just be my paranoid, anxious self. I have terrible anxiety and worry too much. I just need your opinions and some reassurance.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!
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As I began reading what you wrote, the answer alreay came to me and then I read you had figured out the same... to get legally married so you can live together, then have the wedding later in a year. So I agree with that. Lets take the focus off of you to get perspective. All around the world, during the height of the pandemic, there were no weddings, no funerals, no family gatherings for holidays, no graduations and so on. These are important celebrations that could not happen because of something else that happened. It is a big let down to not have been able to have joyous celebration. I believe waiting is a very good idea. All your family, and your fiancee are grieving and won't be ready to experience joy at a wedding in a hand ful of months, so waiting for the celebration is the best thing. It can be a respect issue but for more than just your brother but for all the family who are allowed time to grieve. I know everyone grieves or goes through the grieving process in different ways and different times. So if by a year from now, there is still one family member who has not moved on and is still grieving, I would go ahead with having a celebration and that one person or two, can attend but don't expect them to be their cheeriest self. Many people the world over had to come up with alternate way to celebrate, or cancel or postpone events during the last couple of years. So for example, how does one go back in time to when a loved one died from covid. Capturing the emotions and exactly how one felt is hard and best to not focus on. The best any person could do was wait until it was safe to have any gathering again and then, not have a funeral service with a casket, but have some kind of remembrance celebration of the lost ones life, with people sharing their favorite memories of the one who passed on, some singing, maybe weave in whatever your religious customs are, I had a table with lots of show and tell memorabilia of my dad when he passed on and of course food is a must for a celebration. You can still enjoy a celebration and that is what you tell anyone who asks why do so after already being married. If they don't understand, that is for them to deal with. Don't let anyone take away your joy when the day you have waited for arrives and yes, even wearing a wedding dress if you still wish or if you decide to do something different like traditional garb of wedding for your country, or something white but shorter. Yes, its no longer celebrating two people becoming one couple, but you can still do whatever you like. I do not know what country you are in. But I have read of weddings in history not being what we have today. For example, there were no white wedding gowns and veils, only wearing ones best dress or if rich enough, a new dress. But white wedding dressing and tuxes for men were not the normal way to go about it. Not until the queen of England at the time decided to wear a white wedding dress. At first only the rich followed and did the same. There was no such thing as bridesmaids and grooms men at first. People back then were very superstitious and thought perhaps bad spirits would attack a newly married couple or even right in the ceremony. So the tradition of having other couples in the wedding party who were dressed up fancy, was thought to confuse bad spirits who now would not have any idea which couple was the one getting married. Also, there was a time when there was no such thing as a wedding. People simply agreed to live as man and wife for a year and upon the anniversary of that agreement, either agreed to try a new year or perhaps get married before a priest or whatever the religious leader was called. These are all parts of a wedding celebration today but back in time, there really was no such thing... kind of where you are currently in your situation. People of today have forgotton what a wedding really used to be like, not as fancy as what people have today.
My suggestions: I read somewhere about a wedding where one of the parents had passed on so a large framed photo was made of them and took up a chair where family would sit for the wedding. It's not your brother in body form but a way to honor and remember. Perhaps he will be able to watch the ceremony, and this way he will know he has been remembered at this special time. I wish you the very best hon.
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