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In-Laws Want Money
Hello. I live in the U.S. with my bf. We're both in our 20s. He has a decent paying job, but we're definitely not rich and rent is very expensive where we live. The problem is that my bf's parents live in a third-world country and they expect him to send money home every week. We used to do it, but we recently had a baby and money is very tight now. We haven't sent them money in a few weeks, and his mother is really angry about this. We decided that I would stop working for a year or so to take care of the baby, but now his mother says I'm the reason why he can't send money anymore. She is really upset and she's blaming me for everything. Also, the other day his sister made a comment saying that my bf shouldn't spend all his money on me because I can always get up and leave. She said I'm not family. I was really hurt by that because I always got along with her and I thought we were pretty close. I'll also add that my bf is the youngest of 5 siblings who are also here in the U.S., so he shouldn't be the ONLY one sending money. The final straw was when his mother called and cursed me out, and then she told him he needs to leave me. He defended me and got into a big argument with her, and they haven't spoken since. I know that things are hard back home, but we have a child that we have to support now. Why are they so angry? I told them we would try to send money when I go back to work, but they want it now. At this point I'm wondering if I'm getting in the way of him and his family. Should we send money knowing that we're going to suffer financially if we do? Or is it ok for him not to have a relationship with his family? I don't know what the solution is
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This sounds familier in a way, not for me but my mom. She was from Germany and through letters, met my dad in Canada and from there they moved to the states around the time I was born. I remember her relatives assuming that because she lived in the U.S. that she was rich, all her relatives except her mom believed this. Her mom, my grandma came to visit every summer so she got a good feel for what it is like here. In some places in the world, there is no such thing as plumbing so the fact we have plumbing may make us look rich. However, we have to pay for those utilities, they don't have to pay for plumbing. Any country in the world has the cost for the privileges such as running water, heat in winter and air conditioning in summer and so on. For people who have never had that, its like an Alien trying to explain to us what life is like on their planet, thats how foreign it is to people living in 3rd world countries. I don't think they will ever understand. I do know that what is a little money here is a big deal to people in 3rd world living conditions. You mention other siblings also in US but your husband is, or was the only one sending money. Do his siblings get harassed for not sending money? He might try to talk to them. Perhaps some of them sent a one time chunk of cash when they had extra. Do you know if any of them have ever had to deal with this kind of treatment from family back home whether they give or not? Do his siblings know what the parents are doing and how mad they are. What was given as a gift has spoiled them and they see it as their right to recieve now.
Another time that family acts out of line with family is when there is a death in the family and the person chosen to execute the wishes and split the money and items according to the loved ones will, is a time this happens too. I was executer for my mother. When she died, I had sisters and brother in law fighting for more money with crazy ideas of why more is due to them rather than being split evenly as Mom wanted. When it involves money, the worst in people can come out. All my relatives are okay now, long after the fact but it was Hell for me while happening. I can't say whether in your case, the relatives will come around. So taking care of the parents would be best split 5 ways. Sounds like there is a need to do some in depth talking with his siblings and see if they are willing to all split the cost of what he was sending, each covering an equal amount. So if 100. dollars is a big deal to the parents, then each sibling could put in $20. and 5 times that amount is 100. Twenty would not be as big a hard ship. See if that can be worked out. Otherwise, it is important to take care of your financial needs first and if you only have 10 dollars to send, then do so. If thats not good enough for them and siblings won't help, then your husband will have to decide whether he is willing to live with the consequences if any, of shutting off the family back home. What I don't see is why if 5 family members live in US, why the parents wouldn't emigrate to the US. I suppose there is more family there, brothers and sisters but they too could try to come here. It is not fair of them to expect a handout thinking you are rich enough to do so. However they have nothing to compare cost of living there with here. If you couldn't pay your bills, you risk ending up homeless and would be in same situation almost as the family back home. So you unfortunately must take care of yourselves first.
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