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How can I fix this?
Hi there, I hope you're doing well. First, I want to ask for no judgment when reading this because I am not proud of this at all, and I will do anything to fix this. So this Halloweekend, I went to my friend's college to party with her and some of our other friends. We had drank a little in the beginning before heading over. When we met up with our friends, there was a guy with them and I thought he was really attractive, but I was a little tipsy and while at the party, everyone was drinking so naturally I started dancing in front of him and got really close with him and even started feeling his chest dancing with him, but he didn't seem to mind. I even asked him many times, 'Is this okay'', 'Please let me know if this makes you uncomfortable!', but he didn't really mind it seemed. Then afterward, he asked me for my Snapchat, but I didn't get it because the Wifi was really bad and then I gave him a kiss on the cheek when he said he was leaving the party. After, I added him when we got back to my friend's dorm, and then we invited him over to hang out and he did. All was good, but I kept on getting anxious the whole time. The next day, my friends and I invited him to pregame with us before the party and all was fine, but there were times when I felt like I said really stupid stuff in front of him and I'm super self-conscious about what I said or do in social interactions, so I was berating myself a bit and during the pregame, I was dared to kiss the other players right in front of him, and then we get to the party, one of my girlfriends was giving everyone dares and she knew I liked this guy and went 'Dare or Dare'' and I chose dare and she told me to kiss him. Then I kissed him in front of everyone, and me being tipsy, I went said to one of my friends, 'This is the third person I kissed tonight!' and I said it right in front of him, but he was like, 'You're on a streak tonight.' Now that I'm thinking about it, that wasn't the best thing to say at all. Then afterward, we start dancing and he asked if we could dance together, and he was being respectful about it. Then the same friend who dared me to kiss him told me to make out with him and then I did and it felt really nice. We made out a couple of times during the event, and I even kissed his neck because I was having a moment. We kept on dancing on each other and I got a little clingy and then he asked me if I wanted to get a drink and held my hand to go get a drink. I thought it was super cute. After a while, he whispered into my ear saying I was really pretty, and then me being drunk, I said 'Omg I thought I was too dumb for you. That's what I told my friends' and he was practically dumbfounded and was like 'No you're good.' Later we made out again, then I started leaning on him because I was tired and he didn't know what to do, so it was kind of an awkward one-sided hug. Then another 10 minutes later, he said 'I think it's best if we stop dancing on each other.' It kind of hurt me, but I was respectful and understanding about it. I kind of gave him some space, constantly making sure he and my other friends were okay, but he gave off some weird vibes with me, like 'Oh, I don't want to talk right now.' Then I went to use the restroom with my friend and she and I took some pictures, then he came up looking for us and we all went back downstairs and I held his hand, but as soon as we got back downstairs, he let go. That hurt, so after that I didn't interact with him as much. We then left and he didn't even hug me or kiss me goodbye or anything like I was expecting something, but it was just a casual bye. I then panicked and was like 'Did I do something wrong''' and it made me sad. Then the next morning, he posts me on his Snapchat story(a picture of just us two, no one else). It made me happy, and then I thanked him and started initiating the conversation from there. My friends thought he liked me a lot and I thought that too, so I wanted to ask him out the next time I go back to visit my friends there. He and I would send each other streaks and some of them would be him at the gym or him shirtless and I thought it was a clear sign he likes me. Then one night, he leaves me on opened and never responded again. I didn't think too much of it, but then my friend from that college told me that he had met another girl and he likes her a lot, and I was heartbroken and embarrassed. I cried in my room for hours, and now I'm not sure what to do or if I should apologize to him because I made him uncomfortable or weird, I would do anything to fix that whole interaction. I went and saw my friends yesterday and he was there with the girl and practically ignored me then I saw the girl he was with and I became really jealous. I was with one of my close friends and out of jealousy, I whispered to her, 'She's not even that pretty', to which she laughed, but now that I'm thinking about it, that was extremely rude and immature of me. We get to the party and I kept on looking over at them and started drinking more than I should've. My friend and I separated from the group and we become really drunk and just have fun with ourselves, and meet some people, but I kept on seeing him and that would make me want to drink more or leave. Something else immature I did was I would rant about him to my friend loudly and be like 'Damn, I hate men, he really made out with me and grabbed my butt and leaves me for some other chick' and other people would hear me and agree with me too, but would be drunk as us. I just could not control my mouth. And I feel so horrible. The night continues on and we occasionally meet up with the group, and I'm super drunk and I keep tripping and embarrassing myself in front of him and I can't. He did see one guy come and get my snapchat and one of my other friends jokingly told me to twerk on this guy and I said 'No, it's weird and I don't know him.' Towards the end, I finally got the courage to pull him to the side and talk with him, and I apologized for everything that happened over Halloween and if I made him uncomfortable and he goes 'I was just as responsible.' And then he said, 'So no hard feelings"' And then I responded with a 'yeah', and we were heading back to the group, and then I fell back on him and he caught me and was like 'How much have you had"' and I said '5', then he went 'Okay, no more for you'. And he kept on holding me while walking back to the group, but I kinda shook him off in an aggressive way, and then we kept on ignoring each other. Another guy from the group came up to me and asked me to dance with him, and I said 'No' in front of everyone, embarrassing him and I felt so bad, but then eventually danced with him, and even me putting his hands on my waist. And then that's when the first guy saw and then immediately left. Looking back at this now, I'm so ashamed and embarrassed, but I just could not control myself. I feel like I made everyone in my friend group uncomfortable, especially both guys. I told myself I wasn't going to drink, but I let my emotions get the best of me again. Please don't judge me, I really am not proud of this at all and I wish I could go back and redo it. What should I do?
Thank you
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The easiest answer which you probably don't want to hear, is that it might be best if you join Alcoholic's Anonymous or whatever the equivalent organization is in your country. I say your country because some of what you wrote was consistently different than how people would state it in English. So I can only guess this was translated to English and we know those programs are not 100% perfect, or if you live in the U.S. I have no idea why there were such differences like dancing on someone instead of dancing with someone as I am used to. I am not a teacher nor trying to correct and scrutinize but want to help the best I can and yet I am left having to guess here. I know people who attend AA. It starts with a person drinking socially, either to loosen up a bit and enjoy themselves if shy, or just drink to because everyone else is. It isn't about cutting down a bit because a person's willpower when out with friends who also drink is not strong enough to have one drink and quit. After one drink, a person is still sober enough to decide to stop but not if its such a habit already and being with friends who drink doesn't help. Another reason I have found that people drink alot when out socially is that they are too shy or have things about themselves they don't like or fear would hold them back or make them not fun. So they use alcohol which takes away all inhibitions so that you then are able to do the things you wouldn't do if sober but are things that you kind of want in life or want to try in real life. You may not be an alcoholic yet but it won't be long if you keep drinking as you do and then start looking for reasons in your mind to justify having a drink even when not with your friends, like "Gee, I had such a successful day today, I deserve a drink for that, or "Well, this weekend is a friends birthday and its Friday, so I may all well start the celebrating for her with a drink now and then all weekend to show her how special she is". The reasons a person comes up with are nonsense like the examples I shared and when a person is doing this, they have become an alcoholic. I don't know if its that bad for you but it is a good thing to really examine yourself and ask yourself if you want to keep on this path. Your problem is not what you did with the guy, because you were under the influence of alcohol. Your problem is The Alcohol. And, No...no one I have ever heard of has stopped cold Turkey, meaning simply by willpower. My father in law used to be alcoholic and goes still to meetings, won't touch alcohol at all because to do so is to easily slip right back into it. He changed his patterns and even friends who were drinking buddies. If your friends could hold a party where there wasn't a drop of booze in the place, you might be okay unless seeing them causes you to want a drink so bad you up and leave for the store to get some and bring it back. That is not an exaggeration, that is what it has been like for ex alcoholics I know. These are people I have met since they were clean. I never hung out with people who drink socially. Once went to a new years eve party with Mom and her new hubby and the people around us were so drunk, I felt awkward, and we didn't know them but just observing how they acted while so intoxicated was uncomfortable. I have no problem though with a glass of wine with dinner sometimes but can count on one hand how many in a month. It is a treat, not a way of living for me. If shyness, or lack of self confidence is the actual reason you do this, then perhaps I can help. I used to be shy or have social anxiety before that became a common term. I got rid of it without using alcohol or any drugs. So if that's the case, let me know if you need help with shyness or self confidence or both and I will share advice on what you ask for. If you write to me for that, please write direct to me. You'll find me on the tab "Browse Advice Columnists" and look for dragonflymagic, that's me and contact me from my column. I wish you the best.
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