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I have an STD. What now?
I am a 24 year old woman. He’s 27. 3 months ago, I rekindled a situationship I had with this guy because I felt like I might have been too hard on him. The reason I left him the first time was because he made me feel violated. We had already been having sex just moments before it happened. He wanted to keep going when I didn’t. I actually had to push his head away. When he realized I was frozen, he was very apologetic and just saw his way out. But, after more thought I decided to give him another chance. Everything has been great for the past 3 months. We went on many frequent lovely romantic adventurous dates and we spent a lot of quality time alone together, over the phone, and with friends. We have had quite a few emotional conversations about my past with prostitution and emotional abuse in my family and one of my relationships (the most recent one, which ended one week before this rekindling) and short term homelessness and he’s cried with me and accepted me for me and kissed my back and comforted me. He has slept over my apartment multiple times and been late for work almost each time. No matter how much he tries lol. He expressed feelings for me. We have known each other for about a year now and i was starting to see a future with this man. Until last week….
He told me he had a cut on the head of his penis. I told him I was uncomfortable with the idea of sex and he immediately had a rebuttal. He said it’s fine. We can just wear condoms. He always had a way of getting me in the mood and having his way with me. I also developed feelings for him so I wanted to please. He has told me many times he has feelings for me too. So, we ended up having sex maybe twice with a condom. (We normally didn’t wear them, we were sexually exclusive) The last time, he took the condom off midstroke. He announced it, and I didn’t want to stop so I let him get away with it, but…. now I have HERPES. I went to the emergency room on Sunday because I was in so much pain. I got misdiagnosed. I had to pay for a different doctor on an app Monday. But I needed a live person so I went to planned parenthood on Tuesday, wore diapers and everything. Bleeding, in pain, burning, itching. It turns out that he used to get cold sores as a kid, and even more recently has had other symptoms, but never thought to investigate or get himself tested. Or bring any of this up to me! and he’s making it seem like he’s just dumb. But he’s not; he’s actually very smart and a major nerd. I think he’s lying to me about not knowing. He’s quick to Google things and investigate random dumb things so, there’s no doubt in my mind he’s lying. I’m so hurt. I’m in pain. I’m beating myself up for not asking him for test results when I showed him mine, and for allowing him to constantly take advantage of me. He has constantly crossed my boundaries this whole time.
I left him. We are waiting for his test results as of today. I plan on blocking his number as soon as I see his results just to be 100% sure. I don’t have my own test results back yet. The nurse at planned parenthood told me it was “textbook” herpes… I am also in therapy, with a great therapist. I cry to her every week. What do you think about all of this? I don’t think I have a question I guess I just want someone other than my poor therapist to comfort me. My brother is the only other person besides my ex and therapist that knows, but he doesn’t really know what to do for me. And he just makes me feel dirty because he’s been making it a joke, he makes it a point to not share any food with me when I visit my moms house. I feel so stupid. What are your observations?
I thought I would add; I am no longer having sex at all. I’m celibate until I’m in a committed loving healthy relationship for at least a year. Thank you to everyone in advance for taking the time to read this and comfort me.
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After almost 30 yrs marriage, left husband and got divorced. When I was ready to start dating, I made sure to get a herpes testing which I discovered is not included in a screening for sexual diseases because as I was told, so many people already have it. Then I got the call that it was positive and yet I'd never had an outbreak in my life...this was HPV2, genital herpes. About a year later, I had my first outbreak. Since then, I have learned alot I did not know before regarding herpes. Here is a site that covers some of that stuff.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I do know that my Mom had cold sores that came and went regularly and know now that it was oral herpes. She never had a boyfriend or sex with anyone because she lived in wartime Germany with most males in the war. She met Dad by mail, like todays dating sites on line, and was married 5 mos. before turning 18. I never heard if the parents had genital herpes. I do know my ex got cold sores, tiny ones on inside of his lips, and so does my new husband. When i discovered I had it and knew for sure when I had first outbreak, I put that in my dating profile to give men the choice of whether they would want to avoid me. I heard from a guy who said he is a carrier too but has not had but a few breakouts his whole life and considered this a non issue. Dated him 6 months before meeting my 2nd husband who told me he got mouth sores inside his mouth every once in a while. The estimates in all hits on line are just that, guesses. They can only tell for sure who does have it who were tested for it. Knowing how easy it is to pass on, the guesses for how many actually have it but don't know it, may be quite a lot larger than the estimates given. When I told my two sisters, I found out they both had it as well. The scary thing is that HSV1, the oral herpes can be transfered to the genitals. Since mouth sores are usually not as bad as the HSV2, when they appeared on me, they were one small spot that broke out and the skin breaks open. Just one little spot is so very painful down there. But I have high pain tolerance so I have never taken any meds for it although the nurses said if it got bad that there was something I could be prescribed to deal with it. My husband and I have been together now 13 years, have sex often enough that if we were to pass on herpes, like my HSV2 to his genitals, or his oral ones to my genitals, that would have happened by now. The thing is, we are that aware of the slightest changes in our bodies. So if he feels a mouth sore starting, we won't kiss and he won't go down on me until it is healed. I will have a sensation like an abrasion, roughing up the skin although its not happening. But that feeling is there when the virus has traveled up the root of the nerve in the area where it was first deposited. It sits invisible on the skin, so with no pain and no outbreaks, a person will have sex. Not me, I know thats the time it can be passed on and I tell my hubby. He is glad to wait until I am healed and I have him look to see if it is totally gone before we do anything. It doesn't happen often so its maybe 3 times a year. I don't feel this changed my sex life at all. I not only found a boyfriend who had it and didn't mind a relationship with me and found my husband who also doesn't mind and we have sex often enough. Another fact about herpes is that if a carrier but no outbreaks yet, it is very easy to have an outbreak if going through a stressful time or something depressing. These emotions will usually cause ones body to no longer be able to resist the virus buried deep at the end of nerves. I had the biggest change of leaving husband who was abusive whole marriage but that didn't make me have it, getting a divorce, meeting one guy who seemed okay but ended up breaking up cause of the stress and mistreatment from him, are the biggest stress factors in my life so I could have been. Now you know that a large amount of people have herpes and live with it. The problem is those who won't get tested and assume they are not carriers and can't pass anything on because they never had an outbreak. The crazy thing is, this is why so many have it. US alone knows there are 50% of adults who have HSV1, the oral kind and probably thinks its just cold sores. No one having an outbreak would have sex because its too painful, even if they didn't care if they passed it on. So you can't know who you got it from. Yes, your boyfriend may have it but until tested, there's no way to know for sure. But you also could have contracted the virus from someone else who is a carrier or has it and didn't have an outbreak at the time of sexual contact with you.
I have a feeling that there was dissatisfaction with him already before you got herpes. So if he had cold sores before, as a child, I don't know why he wouldn't get them as an adult. Both my mother (deceased) and my current husband had and have them as an adult. Never heard of it being only when younger and disappearing as an adult. So something must have made the conditions right such as you being in stress over something, maybe even the boyfriend. Yes, it certainly sounds suspicious that he had cold sores, and for all you know, may still get them but if in the mouth, you wouldn't know. He could still kiss with them because its not as painful. THe mouth is kept moist with saliva and not open to the air so that helps.
The pain comes with the skin missing over the breakout and the nerve endings reacting in pain with anything, especially clothes touching the area. This I imagine would be what burn victims feel when their skin has been burnt off, but only us feeling a tiny fraction of the pain they have.
There are dating sites on line for all sorts of situations, including ones for people living with herpes. Or you can reveal you have herpes on a dating site for regular people. Or go the old fashioned way and try to meet someone by just bumping into them somewhere in your daily routine. Although that may happen to some, herpes or not, dating this way can take a very very long time and you still may not meet someone exactly what you want. I don't know how many guys may have skipped me over after reading about my herpes, but I never wanted a bunch of guys, just one who truly loved me. On line dating, other than the swipe and like style, is a good way to learn a little of what to expect from the guy. What contradictions if any from his bio to his contact letter, whether most of what he says he wants is actually a list of what he does not want, which may indicate a negative outlook in life, and many more such things you can learn. Then just a meet up at a coffee shop can determine if there is any romantic and sexual chemistry just from sitting and talking with them, by how you feel near them and how he feels being with you. I met many who sounded great on line but in person couldn't hide some stuff i did not want in a partner. I am sharing all this so you can feel reassured that your sex life is not over. Yes, a person can go their whole life as a carrier and never have a breakout. Maybe they are very chill people who never get stressed. But just relax, and switch your thinking from how awful this is, to learning what you can, studying all the stats on herpes and being able to share that with someone who may be interested in you. Good luck dear.
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