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humorist-workshop
how to turn acquaintance into friend?
I am 29 years old and a diagnosed autistic. Throughout most of my life, I had absolutely ZERO friends. Almost all of my attempts at friendship were very one-sided (me making all the effort and them not showing they care on any level) and it has taken a toll on me. When I moved to NYC, I became best friends with this girl, but eventually she became very mean and toxic and I had to end things. It made me really sad, because she was the only friend I ever had. But I had to set boundaries.
So that leaves me back to having barely any friends again. There are a couple women I've encountered who seem really awesome and I'd love to become closer with. But I don't know how to advance these relationships because I don't have the opportunity to see them often.
The first girl is someone I met through a mutual buddy at a party. She seemed very warm, generous and open. We are from the same hometown, so we had much to talk about. And she actually asked me for my phone number at the end of the party, so I guess I made a good impression. A few weeks later, I invited her and the mutual buddy to the movies and we had a great time together. But 5 days ago, I sent her a text asking her if she is ever free on Tuesday nights because there is this event that my buddy and I like to go to sometimes. She never responded.
The second girl is someone who I am working with right now in a show that I am rehearsing for. (I am a professional actress) We discovered that she and I actually had the same voice teacher for many years and that seemed to open up a lot of delightful conversation. We ended up taking a car together after rehearsal the other day. She seems like an incredibly cool person, and I will see her nearly every day for the next couple weeks. But she has limited free time due to her day job, and after this show is over, I don't know how I could pursue a friendship with her without making her feel like I am making demands on her time.
Is there anything I can do to advance these acquaintanceships into friendships? I feel like I'm really at a loss of what to do because I'd really like to spend more time with these people, but I don't want to seem pushy/needy or like I want more from them than they are able and willing to give.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
You sound like a very considerate person, another trait that is good to have in a friend. Since I am not autistic, I wouldn't know what challenges there may be in making and keeping friends. My experience was lack of friends due to shyness and social anxiety as a young person and I do share what I have learned but I can tell you do not struggle with shyness, from what I see when I read your post. My guess is that if you post this same thing in an online support group for autistic people, you may get more helpful information there. The good thing is that this gal in acting is seeing a lot of you in a venue that both of you are participating in and that is helpful in a person getting used to you, knowing you a little, as opposed to not feeling comfortable with a stranger. If you have no trouble starting off a conversation, then do so with her. Just remember to avoid closed-ended questions, which are ones that can only be answered in yes or no. So instead of asking "do you have any sisters?" which can be answered with a yes or no, you ask, "How many siblings do you have" and either her answer is none, I'm an only child or she gives a number. You want to listen carefully to answers and look for something said that you can use for the next question. SO if she says, no siblings. Then a question of "So how did you feel about that?" This means you'll have to stop and think how to pose your question cus sometimes I think I have it and yet when I pretend to answer my own question in practice, I realize that sometimes even my idea was actually another close ended question. These clues have nothing to do with being autistic, just how to start and keep a conversation going. If you really want to know if she is going to be too busy to spend time with a friend, try starting a conversation with her asking her to describe her job. When she has answered, again look for something in her answer to make your next comment or question about. So no matter what she said about her job, you can ask if she likes it, thats an appropriate yes or no question. Or comment that she must feel exhausted. And remember that you can only seem pushy or needy if she is going to be the only friend you have so to avoid trying to get one person to fulfill all your friendship needs, make some more friends. I never wanted tons of friends, just a handful which is what I had in school and same now, but none of them are from school as we have grown and changed too much to have much in common any more. Hope this helps a little. Try the online support group.
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