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How do I tell my boyfriend to calm down?
This is about my boyfriend Cameron who is a good person but keeps annoying me. He said he understands I do not want to have sex and he said he will be a virgin with me and not put any pressure on me to have sex. He says the right things but his body is saying something different. Every time we are together he is having constant erections and trying to hide it. It is embarrassing like he is a sex maniac. I do not even have to touch or kiss him for it to happen but even if I just hold his hand or hug him. He gets one every time we cuddle and I have to tell him not to touch himself and he gets mad and says he just adjusting to hide it better. Even when he tries to hide it I can now tell when it is happening because he gets squirmy and nervous. He is at least honest and apologizes about it if I ask him. I do not know what he is thinking because I have been very very clear sex is not going to happen for a long time even if he is a good boyfriend. He says he understands but cannot control getting hard and wanting sex but that sounds questionable to me. I told him a boy only gets an erection if he is planning to have sex and hoping the girl will give in. He at least has sex on his brain and he needs to calm down. He says the more we talk about it the more he gets erections like it is my fault. We do have fights on this and he gets very upset and I feel bad because I think he is trying and he does not try things unless I say we can kiss or cuddle. Why can he not just chill and accept that sex is not going to happen? He is cute and has a nice body. He looks very hot without a shirt even though he does not do sports except just exercise in his garage. I tell him he should be on insta doing hot pics. I do like kissing him and cuddling and having him take off his shirt for me when we have privacy. He says he likes it when I tell him to do that and it makes him feel sexy about himself. I am obviously attracted to him and I do think about doing more. The difference is I control myself a lot better than he does. How do I make him understand sex is not going to happen so he needs to quit getting his erections expecting it?
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You said, " I told him a boy only gets an erection if he is planning to have sex ..." I wonder where you heard that? As you've read from lalalaflower, there are many times a young man can get erections and there does not need to be a female near by for that to happen. I don't know if your school does not have sex ed. classes. I did have those and remember them being the bare minimum of what a person should know. You can learn a lot more by checking out a book on the topic, male and female sex organs and anatomy. You could learn more if you studied really diligently rather than listen to what your peers may say. And if that never happened with the peers, then perhaps you've misunderstood something mentioned about males and erections. So I may as well share info now that will help also when you are a senior citizen. Young men can have erections often as said without even thinking about a female. However once a male gets older, that slows down but doesn't stop. If he is not sexually active though, the ability to get an erection can disappear altogether. It's like that phrase, Use it, or lose it. Now as senior citizens, we can see that cialis and viagra are very much needed for most males who now have difficulty getting erections. This does not mean a male does not feel anything. He can be hornier than heck and only plump up a little. You will want to study this too when you get close to 50 or so. Its not over until he's dead. So anytime before that, no matter the age, a male will hope to have erections and orgasms. The release in orgasms is helpful to making his prostrate feel better. If you haven't figured it out yet, I agree with what lalalaflower said.
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I am going to make a few assumptions here based on your question, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.
1. You are both young. Maybe in high school?
2. You don’t know much about male anatomy or maybe you haven’t been exposed to a sex Ed class yet.
So with those assumptions I have a few insights for you. Firstly, I commend you for your decision to not have sex until you are ready and for communicating that clearly to him. You should never feel pressured to do anything until you feel absolutely certain.
Now, going back to that male anatomy thing. Erections are not something that happen only when sex is “expected”. A man cannot make himself get an erection or stop one from happening whenever he wants. Sure, thinking about sex can sometimes make it happen, but it also happens when the body is extremely relaxed, when he is asleep (the infamous morning erection) or really, at a young age when hormones are just waking up, anytime. Some young men even get them in class and I can assure you they are not expecting sex there or wanting it to happen as it can be very embarrassing.
Trust me, he cannot control this part of his body as much as he would want to. He may learn as he gets older, but right now his body and hormones are running the show. I would also encourage you to Google and find out this information for yourself, not just take my word for it.
Anyway, just because I’m saying he cannot control it happening, I’m not saying he can’t control what he does after it happens - which from what you wrote seems like he tries to hide it and is not trying to persuade you to have sex. This is a good sign and probably as good as you will get. He should never pressure you with words or actions, however, when he does get one he can try and think about something else - something that is a turn off - in order to make it go down. If it makes you uncomfortable you can always try to change the subject, stop kissing for a while or cuddling and do something else, and it will go down.
Expecting it to never happen or that he can somehow control it, especially at a young age, is unrealistic. As long as he is not putting pressure on you, you should give him the benefit of the doubt and understanding this is a normal part of becoming a man.
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