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Why does sex have to be a reward or bribe?
Hello to the whole group. I am maybe overanalyzing something about my love life with my girlfriend but I would love it if maybe there is some feedback for me to better understand what is going on between us.
I know I am 22 but this is my first serious relationship and even though we are now active sexually we are literally each other’s first so I feel I can benefit from the experience of others. I read a lot of posts before I wrote this and noticed a lot of the guys ask about sex, so I guess that is okay and I will join the crowd.
The question I have is about how us having sex almost always seems to be tied to either me being rewarded for something or sex being offered in exchange for me doing something. It started with us having sex for the first time on my birthday (first time for both of us) and it was like an awesome present. But now it can be just coming home from my workout and she is like you were good to be healthy and exercise so let’s have sex. Or maybe me doing something she asked like picking up things from the store she mentioned in a text on the way home which I would do for her anyway. Not long ago we got home from a lunch with her parents and her dad and I got along super well and she said she was so happy I listened to his stories and clicked with him that we had sex the rest of the afternoon. In a way it makes it seem the sex is some kind of transaction. Sometimes I like the playful way she awards me a sex night, but it is also kind of weird how she always ties it with something else. Even if I initiate it, she says something like I have been pretty good that week or I earned it with this or that.
The most extreme version is when she offers sex as a bribe. Like she will tell me I will get lucky later if I agree to go to some social event or watch some movie she wants to see. Or, she tells me if I go with her to the mall (which I hate) she will reward me later. I guess I don’t mind receiving sex as a reward if she is happy with something I did but I will also do nice things for her just because she is my girlfriend. It just feels weird when it is like we are bargaining and the currency she is paying with is sex. I admit, it usually works pretty good for her because I am like always in the mood, but the truth is if she just said “this is important to me” I would do it.
We have talked about this a few times. She said she does not know why she does it but she agreed she bargains with sex and frames sex in terms of a reward for me most of the time. The one time I tried being all cocky and talking to her like if she was lucky and did what I said she would get to have sex with me we both started laughing because it was like so not me and she knows I would never turn her down. She admitted it makes her feel sexy to know I am so motivated to have sex with her. She insisted she enjoys sex wants my bod as much as I want her bod, but she still just automatically prefaces sex with these comments making it seem like a reward or a payoff. She said she thinks maybe she picks up on my comments to people how I am lucky to be her BF and that may feed it some cause it boosts her ego about her sex appeal to me.
I personally think she is self-conscious about her own sex drive being so high after we both were virgins all the way into our 20’s and we resisted temptation so long even after we started dating and she needs excuses for us to have sex this often. I feel like we went from lifelong virgins to sex maniacs so fast. Or, maybe it is a way to highlight her power over our sex life and feel in charge (not my idea but someone else suggested that was it). Or, maybe she just likes to toy with me because I am her horny boyfriend and it keeps me in line. She says I should not analyze it so much and just enjoy the sex and be ready at all times (or BRAAT in our text talk). I think she has a point TBH.
Please let me know if there is any insight on this? Is this normal? Am I overanalyzing? Or, if you think it means something I should be aware of? Please tell me that too.
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The real issue is whether you like this arrangement or not. If a part of you is not okay with the reward game, then have another talk, letting her know it is okay if she wants sex to just come after you for it, not to qualify it with an action of yours. Let her know that it feels unsettling to you that every single time you have sex, it starts with her saying something about how you earned it. Since this is also her first real relationship, she is in a learning curve as you are but she may think that she knows it all and so does the reward thing.
Most guys married or not, would envy you having a girl who wants sex that much. However, aside from both having high libido's there is something else to consider. I don't know how it might affect your relationship in the long term but having sex or 'making love' is not and never should be something that a person has to earn. If it is part of occasional BDSM play, then fine, as long as it does not become the norm. Making love also is NOT a way to Prove that you love someone. Saying 'I love you' also does not prove a person loves someone. Consistency in positive ways, like the things you mention doing for her that sometimes she didn't have to ask, you just know what would please her. This stuff is what proves how much you love someone.
With the reward thing, that makes me think of parents teaching children and using a chart which if they do all the things right, they earn an allowance or some other treat. And that would put her in the dominant position. Thats okay if you really like that. But if you want variety, and she only wants to be the dominant person telling you when you get sex, it's doing something for her. What it is...I don't know. You'll have to ask why she must mention sex is a reward. Perhaps she didn't have the best child rearing by her parents or mistook any training she got to thinking she had to earn her parents love and yes, there are bad parents out there like that.
Now when you mentioned 'Bribe', the alarm bells went off in my head. It may just be an innocent game to her and she has no idea what she is doing. But what she is essentially doing is what my ex husband did to me when we first married. He didn't bribe for sex, but unknowingly to me, I was being told what he does like and doesn't like insinuating how much happier he would be if I changed this and that about me and the list kept growing. Some changes were physical which I refused. Other changes he wanted were emotional and made up my character, who I was. I began to change who I was to please him and gain his love. We were a royal mismatch to put things in a nut shell. There was no gaining his love as he didn't know how to..part of a mental illness a Dr. saw but ex wouldn't go for appointments. What happens when you are bribed to do something you hate or it not a favorite of yours is pretty much the same, having to change who you are to become what your partner wants. So she wants someone to go to the mall with. It can be a girlfriend instead or she goes by herself. You can go once in a while if you have an errand to run as well, going to a shop where you need something. But watching a movie you don't like, well once in a while won't kill you as long as she is also willing to watch a movie you like but she doesn't. My second husband has different likes in music, humor, and movies mainly. We watch a lot on our pc's...no TV and don't want one. So if he watches a movie he knows I would like, he'll mention it. But never do either of us tell our partner that if they watch a movie of their choice or any other ultimatum, that they will get good sex tonight. Again, it may have something to do with her up-bringing such as "if you do this and that, I will 'unground' you" types of things which if these are the most often used ways to teach her, then she may have a twisted way of operating in the adult world. I have an adult daughter who treats her boyfriend this way, actually assuming in half the cases that he'd automatically like something just because she does. She'll do it in front of me when visiting and I remind her to ask him, not tell him what he should do and maybe he doesn't want to go along to where ever. I know why she is like that, and its due to watching her Dad emotionally abuse me growing up. She swore to herself that no man would ever be in charge over her in a relationship. You would think at her age, in her thirties, that she would finally have woken up and realized what she is doing wrong. Her solution is the exact opposite of what she's avoiding, which is also wrong, it stills puts one partner in charge of the other. Your girlfriend may have subconsciously chose you because you wouldn't act that way. So she expects that you will continue to go along with things as she has set up.
The curious question is whether she would not give you sex if you didn't go along with her bribe. As much as she likes it, it would be a punishment for her as well. I am guessing she likes sex too much to follow through and wilthhold it from you as punishment. However, she still has the upper hand here, its not the equal partnership as is the best and correct way to do things. She may think that no guy is going to 'shoot himself in the foot' so to say by resisting her demands because he fears losing a day of sex or losing a sex partner completely if she gets angry and leaves when she doesn't get her way. I could be so wrong about her and its just young love without the guidance of what pychologists have to say about healthy relationships and all the do's and don't. I have read those books. You can too. Check out such books from library as I have done or see if any can be found on line. I think you would then see that the concerns I have raised are valid for the situation.
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