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Confused about a guy. Is he the right one?
Hello!
I went on one date and spoke over call many times with this guy. He is funny, goofy, respectful and compassionate. He cares for me i know. However, he is not the one I want to be with. There is a connection and spark and chemistry. I want to touch him . But I don't want any future with him. He is from a different religion and culture plus he smokes and he doesn't want to quit smoking. I can't stand the smell of smoke. So he is clearly not someone I want to have a future with. So I said No for a second date. He told me he is comfortable and peaceful around me. He told me he feels like he has known me forever. I also feel comfortable talking to him. I can talk to him about anything but he is just not someone I want to have anything longterm. I want to find someone who doesn't smoke. But I try I really try to find other guys the major problem is this guy is always on my mind and I can't get him out of my mind. I want to move on but I am always drawn to him. My mind and heart are in constant battle. When I don't talk to him when I cut him off I feel peaceful for few weeks but again after couple of weeks I start to miss him terribly. I am falling for him and I hate it because he is not the right one. Its been 2 years but can't him get him off my mind. Should I just give him a chance and date him even though he isn't the right guy. But then I will get attached to him. Should I completely cut him off but how do I stop missing him. How do I not regret my decision of letting him go. How.do I stop comparing all new guys to him. He is different. He is funny, he is compassionate. He understands me. He makes me laugh. He is goofy. We can talk about anything. Even the serious stuff he discusses with humor. I want to be with him but I also don't want to be with him. Also, my parents won't accept him just the differences of religion and culture. But its not about my parents alone even I know our cultural differences could be chaotic in the future then why waste time dating him? Please advise.
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Hey, you've already shown that you understand way more than most people I offer advice to so I am excited to share with you a document I wrote about how to find the right guy. I used a dating site. And this was after a divorce and I was about to turn 50. But I found the right man and I believe that what I did to find him was all stuff that God shared with me. I actually didn't give it any time and on the third reminder, I finally followed through and this worked. I will have to add that my now husband had seen my profile a year before and with all his bad luck with women he met from the dating site who had similar things to say, his first impression was that I had to be full of BS. LOL true it was. But on the other end, God was urging him to at least give me one try so he contacted me and was glad he did. I would have to say we are something like soul mates. But I told you this first because even if you follow the examples I will tell you, its up to the other person to respond too. If they continually don't, I am sure you will know or even maybe hear when its time to continue looking and give up waiting for someone who may never respond.
Now here is my story. If you are religious, and the part of finding someone who is the same religion as you is a must have or a need (not a want) then you will have to put things like that on your list. I do mean a real list, not what you remember in your mind. And if you just hope to bump into the right guy, you may not want to wait that long. Its faster to either join a singles group and go to the activities and meet some guys, or use an internet dating site. Some of the phone apps I've heard of, do not have much if any info on a person, only a photo that you either say you like or not. And that alone is not a good thing to be the only thing you use to screen out the wrong ones and select the right one, which I know you must already understand the importance of. If you have any questions at the end, you can contact me by searching 'search for columnists, and click on me, dragonflymagic and write directly to me from there rather than sending it to the whole group who won't have any idea what you are asking for.
How to find Mr. Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be 'I want a guy who wants to have kids' or 'I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry','I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief', 'I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.' “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user.”
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the 'what you want', like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
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