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How to deal with overprotective parents?
I posted on here before with a question ‘I think my mother is holding me back from getting a job’ but the problem has seemingly gotten worse. It’s both parents now being overprotective of me.
So now I’m asking how to deal with overprotective parents?
My parents seemingly don’t want me to get a job, despite me really wanting one. I’m 18M, (19M in a few days) and a college student in the UK; and am autistic (that will become relevant once I explain the situation).
I’m currently seeking my first job- I’d like to have a job in the media industry (where a runner role is typically the default entry level position- runners being the people who run little errands for the more senior production staff))- when I explain this to my parents, they go ballistic and try to encourage me down a different career path and try to dictate my path for me; they’re essentially saying I don’t have enough experience… despite everyone needing to have a first job, so that’s a silly argument really, as well as the fact that these jobs tend to be *entry*-level, as in, for people who are *enter*ing the work world and/or media industry.
They keep trying to use the excuse ‘I don’t think you’re ready’- well, I do. I’m ready for work, I want to work and most importantly, I’m an adult, so I shouldn’t have to rely on them to make my decisions for me- it’s so annoying that they want to control my every move and dictate my career path. They’re advising me to see a career advisor first before apply for first job- but everybody has to start out somewhere- I highly doubt anybody’s first job is what they want to do long-term, so whilst I’d like to work in the media industry further, I wouldn’t want to be a runner forever (would be nice to be a runner even once)….
I may add, this isn’t the only thing they’re overprotective with me about- they never let me go anywhere by myself, I have to really persuade them for them to let me; they always ask my sister (who’s 4 years younger than me, and they let her go wherever she pleases just fine) or my cousin (same age as me) to tag along whereas sometimes I just want my own company, something that so many neurotypicals don’t understand.
For example, one hobby of mine is being in the audience for TV show recordings- sometimes I’d rather go on my own because I don’t want to hear anyone moaning about waiting for so long and also you can explore the area more if you’re on your own and take it in in a way you can’t with multiple people joined to you at the hip.
The problem is- I’m dyspraxic so physically it would be difficult to drive; I’m autistic so buses are too overwhelming noise wise for me; so my parents typically drive me there… and they get annoyed when they have to drive me for the occasional audience recording (even though I’m, by definition, always available at the moment since I don’t have a job) but taxis would be fine, except they think I need more ‘practice’ before stuff like taxis- the only way to practice something is to do it , so they haven’t really thought that one through. But of course I don’t have the money to pay for a taxi since my parents talk me out of all these jobs and say I can’t juggle a job and college. I’m in college 3 days a week… I think I can juggle a part-time job just fine (I genuinely wouldn’t mind working weekends).
I feel the reason they’re so reluctant for me to get a job is due to transport situation- if they get annoyed having to drive me for an occasional recording, then God knows what it would be like with a job… especially since most people within the media industry in the UK are freelancers and jump around from one show to the next, meaning my parents wouldn’t have a set route to drop me there- which would no doubt frustrate them more.
They don’t realise I’m an adult, they don’t treat me as one- they seem to baby me and I think that’s due to my autism as they act completely different with my sister, who’s 15…. she gets treated like a typical child who’s growing up- I get treated as a child full stop (I have a 9 year old sister too and feel like I’m treated more like her than the 15 year old sister… surely according to the law of ages, I should be the least babied of the 3?…)- my parents putting me off trying things I want to do will only hold me back further.
I did have a backup, which was as a remote presenter on a radio station- but with 2 younger siblings at home making background noise, not ideal on a job where people need to hear me clearly so couldn’t even record a little voice demo for the bosses to hear what I sounded like to determine if I’d be a good fit, let alone do a regular show… I did ask my parent whether the garage could be my little ‘office’ for voiceover stuff but they said no. It’s especially annoying with phone calls and Zoom meetings though having all the background noise, especially as I do a weekly Zoom quiz, which I need to tell everyone beforehand to be quiet so I can hear the questions. Now I shouldn’t have to do that- it would be much easier if I had my own space to do it, but alas my parents won’t let me.
I’m tired of me, as an adult, still requiring my parents’ permission for things as simple as going out or applying for jobs…
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Your parents are certainly doing you a great disservice. It is clear to see that they are fearful of you not being able to deal with normal every day life and having melt downs due to your Autism. It may have gotten worse because you are growing older and they know that a time is coming when you will want to be on your own. I know that there are different levels of abilities when a person has Autism. Some can be severe. You do not sound like someone with a severe case. You are very articulate and great at communicating in print. Set your parents down and let them know its high time you start going out into the world and try to do things on your own. Its best you do that now because if they haven't thought of it yet, they won't live forever and will pass on long before you do and who will be there for you then.
One step towards independance is taking the public bus. I understand the noise is overwhelming. I don't know if it was you, but I did answer someone before who has dyspraxia and autism and buses are a challenge. I will state again, that the solution to that is wearing head sets that block out sound. Here is a link to what I am talking about
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I see no reason you can't get out into the work place. If you know what your triggers are, you can do your best to avoid them. If there is no way to avoid, then it is best to have a few coworker friends who will be there to support you if that happens. I know TV shows aren't real life but I can see how occasionally something might happen that cause a meltdown. It could be things like this, the 'what if's ' that your parents worry about. However it is for you to decide who will have your back, someone, a friend who understands your autism but also admires your work skills.
One show, "The Good Doctor" is about a man named Shawn who has Autism and he goes on to become a doctor. One episode has a buzzing light fixture, you know, the annoying sound of bzzzzz that won't stop unless the light tubes are replaced. Well, in this show, Shawn has a meltdown, sinking to the floor with hands covering his ears. His coworkers look around and listen and then figure out its the light and take care of it. These episodes of seeming to have a rough time with something, doesn't bother his coworkers as they practically worship him for how helpful he is with knowledge, and his photographic memory. The same goes for a Korean show I am watching named "Extraordinary Atttorney Woo", her collegues are always turning to her to help when they forget something about a law. No matter what the job, you try different places until you find somewhere where the boss or a coworker will have your back. Don't be afraid to explain that you have Autism and ask for them to give you a trial. You may convince more people to give you a try, which is hard once the un-informed hear the word Autism. Since you are not working anywhere and have the time...perhaps offer to work a week or two for free, they don't have to pay you, just watch to see that you are able to handle the job, despite any occasional meltdown that may happen as long as you have I understanding supporting co workers.
I don't give autism much thought and don't really study it but I find that half the time, I don't really know if a person is on the spectrum if they are high functioning like my husband. Saw a show on "Love on the Spectrum" and was shocked to hear that the woman giving dating advice admitted she was on the spectrum. You are not dis abled but differently abled in some things. You can do what others without Autism can do, and do as well or better, but it can be a hard road teaching yourself how to handle these things. My husband figured those things out himself and no one knows he has it but me, a person who spends a lot of time with him where eventually I will see something that isn't quite how others would handle.Your parents see you every day and so eventually will see things that make them worry about you even if it doesn't happen often as with my husband. I think a support group for parents of a child on the spectrum is something they should try. If they are already doing so, then they need to actively ask for help with how to support and launch an adult child into the adult world. They are having the issues, and it sounds like daily struggle for them. So my guess is they don't have a support group. Find them one if they aren't good at doing searches on the computer, Here is one link that may help and always ask one place if they know of other groups or individuals who can help. It most likely will take a person coming to the home and speaking with your parents, someone who makes routine visits to help with any concerns. This I would say has to be done with your parents.
Then, get that head set, preferably one you can play music that is soothing to you or whatever you'd like and start going on interviews. It sure looks like you have already thought things out and know what jobs are easy entry level jobs. But again, it is imperative to have support people in your life and it can't be your parents, which I know you don't want. But some close friends or coworkers who understand where you are coming from. And it wouldn't hurt to have someone trained to help and counsel on the autism spectrum, a professional. To find such a person, check with your local Department of Social and Health services or whatever the equivalent is in your state. In my state, they are the ones who also have the food stamp program. I used to do caregiving as a job and so I have met many social workers who did different things for my clients, general help and one who was a support to help find work where you would be accepted, knowing you are on the spectrum from the start, and if there are work related issues, like miscommunication, your counselor/social worker autism specialist can step in and help sort things out. If a mentally disabled woman, my client who wasn't autistic could have a a job found for her, that she really liked and she was not mentally able to handle stressful situations, then you can do even better, because even though you are on the spectrum, I don't see autism being something that prevents a person from being able to be a good employee. I hope this all helps you. If you don't have a computer at home, you will need to have a library card and go to your local library to use one for an alloted time, you sign up for. These are things you can easily do, get in some research yourself for help and support for your parents to teach them how to be great support for you and also to find yourself someone to help you in getting employed, a professional support person. If there is anything I have said that comes across insensitive/offensive to you, I don't mean it to. Other than my husband, I really haven't been around someone with autism or on the spectrum to any length of time and myself am untrained on what way to communicate without sounding offensive.
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