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I have a few issues that bother me about my husband’s behavior
My husband and I been together almost 2 years and we have a son that’s 3 months old. I’m 30 years old. I had a few issues that bother me about my husband’s behavior and just need someone to talk to about it. I wanted to address each individually.
1. He told me I was neglecting my son when he had him on the changing table while I was in bed. He went out of the room to get diapers. The baby started crying hysterically-he had his shots the day before so he’s a little more cranky. I didn’t get up to comfort him so I was told I was neglecting my son and that it was not okay. I understand to some point but I work from home and watch my son all day while he’s at work for 12 hours. I’ve been on my toes all day. Even my breaks I’m taking care of my baby or making dinner or getting a 10 minute shower or washing laundry. When he was in his newborn stage I was mostly the sole one to take care of him 24/7 and there were times then he did the exact same thing. I was thinking at one point he didn’t even care for his baby because he would come home and not acknowledge him at all. Then when he has had some more time with him recently, his crying means more to him and bothers him. I feel like he could put a wedge between me and my son with behavior like that. I’m not a bad parent at all and I love him more than my own life. Comments like that put me down and I don’t want that in front of my son because he wouldn’t know any better if this were to persist.
2. Sometimes I want sex more than my husband does or he’s not passionate about me. I wonder why he married me. He made a comment that his body shouldn’t be used for sex and to get a dildo -what am I married for then? Also aren’t men suppose to want sex more? He makes me feel like a ugly woman that he wouldn’t want to touch sometimes. When we were dating he had a high sex drive and even called up trans to sex chat plus watched porn behind my back. Now he claims he doesn’t watch porn but the trans still worry me. I was pregnant when I found that out. I’ve never talked to anyone besides my mom about this. I also found that he explored trans porn between watching heterosexual porn. I don’t know if that’s why he doesn’t have that passion for me or if I just don’t look good enough. He tells me I’m more than enough to satisfy him. He says that he doesn’t watch porn anymore either. That doubt is still there. I didn’t think what I was saying was unreasonable.
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What he says to you, putting you down, maybe even yelling sometimes is stuff that kids watch and imitate. I had a previous marriage that was nothing but verbal abuse. Had 3 girls. They didn't pick up the behavior but middle daughter is now so scared of men with 'booming voices' as she puts it. And won't marry cus she wants to be the one in control so she never has to suffer the same. I of course left him when the girls were graduated but you are right that what a child sees and hears can damage them in psychological ways. My oldest marred a good man but since he was nothing like her Dad, she divorced him and found what she was used to. Only this guy is way worse than my ex.
So verbal abuse is the first issue.
Secondly, I learned some things and can share. I had the same situation as you. Never saw his eyes light up with passion for me. I had to initiate sex but most days he turned me down saying he had to work the next day and needed his sleep. The obvious cure of going to bed earlier wasn't working if he didn't want to do it. wWhat I know now after the fact, is that there are two parts to the foundation of a happy successfull marriage, 1. Being each others best friend and 2. being each others sexual equal, meaning you have the same desire for each other, same libido, same likes. Sadly, most marriages end in divorce because there is only one of the two foundation parts that apply. I am telling you this to hopefully shed light on whats going on with hubby for you. So people married to a friend may find there is no good lovemaking between them and no desire from one or both. Yes, there had to be some desire in the beginning but it didn't last. Usually this is a case of NRE, new relationship energy, which is the excitement you felt as a kid when anticipating what your gift would be, and once you got it, it was exciting in the begining but didn't hold your interest for long. NRE is very good at mimicking the feelings of desire for another but that wears off. Now my ex wanted to appear normal, mostly since deep down he felt something was wrong with him, and later on, a psychologist discovered he had mental health issues. So hubby prefers to hid behind having a wife and kids, a house, cars and pets to make him appear normal so no one would come looking any further.
Men focus on sex more than women do, its how they were created. I am sure he does but it may not be as you believe.
You mentioned trans often, which to me is the shortened version of transgender. It could be that he fears he is a female in a male body and wants to fight that, so he married you. I ama just guessing on all this, but he is hiding something. Its not you, its what is going on inside him. If the sex drive was high, and he feels like a female, he may have decided that more exposure to you might 'cure' him in faulty thinking. Because at the same time, you say he was doing the trans to sex chat. Not sure what that site is about and don't want to look it up. Now if he were really into you, you'd know it. Same here with 2nd husband. I was picky and choose well, He's a sweet heart in how he treats me, have sex several times a week and he would go for more but want me to have my sleep. He did look at porn in the beginning and I caught him and with a normal curious voice asked what he was watching so he showed me and said he found a woman whose body looked a lot like mine. So I asked to see her. I had to agree, she did look like me. It was me he wanted all along. Since I knew beyond a doubt I could trust him, I asked if he wanted to take some nudes of me to use for when he was horny but didnt want to wake me. He was eager for that and has pics of me now. So he no longer looks at regular porn, just me as its always been.
The bad thing is there is nothing you can do to change his mind or create a chemistry. Chemistry is a need here and is lacking by what you said, if that's all true. So it simply means that on the sexual part of the equation, you two do not match and it may be more than just chemistry, with you being straight and him falling somewhere on the LGBTQ description. No amount of counseling will fix that, people are born that way. I used to not believe that until I read about farmers of sheep or goats who spent lots of time with their flocks, witnessing some males trying to have sex with other males. Animals don't have the same kind of brains like humans, able to make decisions like this, to choose same sex if using that for one example. So the argument of choice doesn't hold water, you are born that way. So you can't change him. As for the first part, getting talked down to is something a person does sometimes to take attention off themselves, focus it on someone eles and easiest is whom you live with and see every day. They can make up entire stories, tell anyone in the whole world how awful you are. It may not be happening yet, but if the sex was great, and this was the only problem, I would suggest seeing a marriage counselor first to see if the marriage can be helped, or more to the point, if he can be and is willing to be helped. My ex was not. I went first couple sessions with each Dr. we met til we agreed on the one we liked and he was to go on his own to appointments but quit and pretended he was still going, his admission to someone and i overheard. He still insisted nothing was wrong with him. For all we know, that may also be going on for your husband. I don't want you to be married with 3 or more kids, still unhappily with your husband for the next 20 years. I married at 20 so for me, it was months shy of 30 years before I left him. I had to wait 7 years until he was ready to do a divorce, resisting, hoping to hurt or frustrate me in the process but I was doing good, having met the man who would become my second husband. I just wish I had done that sooner. I don't know why it is told to not break up a marriage as it will do damage to the kids. But I now feel thats not true. I have met so many kids from divorced home who as adults now seem to have their head screwed on right. But the kids whose parents fought and perhaps abused them as well, are damaged. I get to hear from some of them on here as they write in. They may not think its that bad but I can see it just in how and what they write. Don't do anything just for your child but for yourself as well. If you wish, see if he will agree to go to counseling. You need time alone with a professional who can hear your side of the story because I don't feel he is a straight man. He may feel he is bi, or trans, or gay and is not sure which it is. So getting him in to a marriage counselor may help him see that he is trying to fit a round peg into a square hole, just to say how fruitless any actions of his will be to make his life better. The sooner he is sure and ready to claim who he really is, then perhaps you both can part as friends which is easier in co-parenting if you choose divorce? Having a hard time deciding? Ask yourself this, How much longer can I stand life with him the way it is, not improved, just as it is now and then ask the same with different times, like can i handle five more years, 10 more, 20 years, til I die? I broke down crying as I imagined the 20 more years of the same and knew right then, I had only been fooling myself, talking myself into hanging on...but for what, no improvement? Hopefully that helps you if you get stuck in your decision making. I hope you not only get some answers as to whats going on inside him but find happiness again, no matter what path you take. In the end, this decision is all yours.
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