|
FWB situation
So I've been friends with benefits with this guy for a bout a month now. Everytime we try to make plans to hook up he asks me to try to bring a friend, and if I have any friends that would be up for 3somes. I honestly don't mind him asking here and there, but it's gotten to a point where I feel like he's only interested if my one of my friends join us. I know that we are only using each other to benefit ourselves, but I can't help getting annoyed that I'm not enough in this situation. What should I do?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
While there is nothing wrong with threesomes among consenting adults, there is something wrong if a friend consistantly asks for you to bring a friend. The problem might be in what you say to him when he asks. If you are not in the market for an eventual partner becoming long term couple or marriage partner, and friends with benefits is what you really want, just no 3 somes, then saying something about having no friend to ask, or you don't want to or plain old 'No',may not be enough for him. He may as a user be waiting to hear that you do not ever want a threesome. When he asks for you to bring a friend, does he care what gender or does he ask for a female or male friend. Female means he is into thinking of himself first, not your pleasure, wanting two women working on him at once. Asking you if you want to bring another guy for the 3 some so you can have 2 guys working on you means he is considering your feelings and wanting the best for you, something only a good friend or a husband would do. For a friend with benefits, bringing up the subject once is enough. But since he is pestering you with the same question over and over, I also wouldn't recommend this man even for FWB. If you want more out of a relationship, its best to look for a person who has the same ideals as you, even if all you want is friends with benefits. There was a time I was willing to do a FWB with a guy younger than me, because I was looking for the right guy, someone I could be with rest of my life, the love of My life. He was a good person, nice but although we clicked for the sex, I didn't feel the friendship, kinship with him and I wanted both a best friend and sex partner and chemistry for both. When I met my current husband, I found both and we both are very happy with each other. Its been 13 years together.
As to you feeling you are not enough, that is not true. It merely means the two of you are not right for each other as sex partners. It is not a 'friends with benefits' but as I suspect more of an 'acquaintance with benefits'. Someone you know somewhat, have met and are on speaking terms with but are not actually a good friend of or considered a good friend. I don't know if he truly is a great friend so if he is, this just happens to be his sexual fantasy. Plenty of people have sexual fantasies but its finding someone who has the same fantasy that counts. Trying to change a persons likes and preference to reflect your own fantasies means putting pressure on the other person and not taking no for an answer, just steam rolling them into doing whatever it is, whether in sex or in regular daily activities. So what you should do depends on how you feel. You say you don't mind him asking all the time. Ask yourself why? Is it because you want sex even though you don't have a love interest right now and don't want to lose a person you can get sex with. Or perhaps you are too shy or weak and willing to have him ask but not bold enough to establish your boundaries with him. I set boundaries up with my husband right at the start, before even getting married. He was careful to respect them all. Then one boundary I didn't think was necessary to spell out at first, he went over and he was alarmed seeing my tears. After I explained, he was apologetic and never did it again. There is a difference if you have never established boundaries. Guys won't ask if you have any, just go about business as is usual for them. A bad guy will moan and complain and call you picky, I got lots of that cus I made sure to state my boundaries in first meet up. Why date someone only to find out after months that he is not going to cut it, but your feelings got involved and now its painful to part, even though you should. So no matter what, it is better to say something early on. Guys even understood that although I might have sex, checking out if there is chemistry, I was looking for the one guy I could marry or be with rest of my life. So I wasn't making a choice yet and as long as I was still looking, I hadn't met the right guy yet. So they were okay with me not making a commitment right off the bat to be monogamous with them as no one complained if they were decent guys, they understood. So if you want a sex partner more than you want more out of a guy, either keep saying no, or be unhappy and do it anyways. Or find yourself a different FWB or a promising partner, the kind you can see being your mate, a best friend and lover.
]
If you want a real relationship then you need to get out of this one. He will use you (and your friends) until he moves on to someone else. I realize that is the whole concept of friends with benefits, but it really isn't a good place to be. My advice is to find a guy who wants you and only you. Even if it is just a temporary thing. Have some respect for yourself. You deserve that.
]
More Questions: |