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How do you deal with different libidos as a couple?
I am worried that my fiancé who is super patient now about sex will become unhappy over time if we get married and we do not become intimate more often. He has not said anything but I know he wants sex a lot more than we are having it now. His libido is through the roof. We do a lot of cuddling and he is always hard and ready to go and almost every day asks me if I am in the “mood” to make love. Maybe 1 x week I am and say yes. When we do have sex he is so enthusiastic like it is his birthday and he tries so hard to make it “epic.” It is pretty wonderful, he has what seems like a lot of stamina to me as far as not losing control of himself until the end, and I will just say I don’t have to fake anything. But then not long after we are laying there and he is hard and sometimes asking if I want to “go again.” I think he wants to ask more often but he admitted he sometimes doesn’t because he feels “greedy” asking for more. He does not pressure me at all and asks very politely but when he does ask I am usually thinking “oh no he wants more” and I just want to keep cuddling. He admits he is “hyper horny” around me, that he cannot help it, and he says he does not expect to have sex just because he is in the mood. It is definitely fun knowing he desires me (so that is positive), but sometimes I worry he will lose patience with me and decide I am a tease or something. Sometimes I will have sex with him even when I am not in the mood and it usually ends up being fun anyway and I just feel like he deserves it for being such a good guy. When we don’t have sex sometimes he will take a shower and when I asked he admitted he usually masturbates to “calm down.” I was a little jealous like hey I want to do that for him, but I see how he is trying to deal with it so he does not put pressure on me. But then when he comes to bed he just gets hard again if I cuddle on him. If I lay my head on his chest and roam my hand on his arm or tummy it is like flipping a switch and he is all hard again. He just laughs it off and says he cannot help it and not to worry about it and just enjoy cuddling. Is this normal? Is he going to be okay? Am I just being paranoid? I very much enjoy sex with him and he makes me feel very desired with a lot of affection, but am I going to be able to keep him happy if our sex drives are so different?
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He is normal, much like my 2nd husband. Whereas the 1st husband did not ever desire me and he had the low lidido, this one wants it all the time and like in your case, will not expect sex just because he's in the mood. However, to tell the truth, men usually 'feel' in the mood more often than women. I went from getting no attention to a man who is very sexual. He will let me sleep if I am tired, or not wake me for morning sex. The difference is though I am not always in the mood actually needing sex, I always enjoy it fully once we start. The only times I ever say no if sometimes a 2nd time or 3rd time in a row, or I am feeling sick. I love seeing the desire for me in his eyes. we are in our early sixties so he is being somewhat affected in getting hard, it happens much slower and not as hard as when he was younger but regardless, he still has the desires, even when it may be a struggle on some days.
Generally, I feel it best to have couples with close to the same libido as there is almost no chance of being frustrated. There is nothing wrong with you liking just once a week and also nothing wrong with him for wanting several times a day. Everyone is different. A guy wanting a girlfriend who would go dirt biking with him, fishing and hunting, means that not every girl is gonna be a right fit for him. I know I wouldn't be. Its one thing to try something new, having no enthusiasm at first but finding you enjoy that hobby very much. If it was just 'okay' and you are doing his hobbies more for him, same as with sex,then eventually you could get to a point where it irritates you, frustrated you and the two of you drift apart. Lets say, even if he says you don't have to go dirt biking with me, or hunting, the fact will remain that he wants it and wishes he had a woman who was more like him.
So I wonder how long the two of you have been dealing with the libido differences. If a few months, he may eventually tire of it, we can't know. Maybe you will tire of how often he wants it, even if he's not getting it.Perhaps he is very emotionally mature and understands and will always be willing to keep your interests first without feeling frustrated.
Marriage is no different than being engaged in your situation. The sex doesn't magically change once you marry. Whatever you have now is what you'll have when married and for the rest of your lives. If you can't picture wanting sex when you reach your 60s, the problem may not appear until you both are retirement age. Besides sex, its important to consider whether we are each others best friend or not. With all the time spent together, it helps to have someone who is about the same in amount of talk, beliefs, preferences, and then you find doing mundane chores is more fun if the both of you are doing it together. At least, thats what I have found. So maybe you need to be the strong one and ask yourself, can I handle sex more than once a week for the next year? Can I handle it for 5 years? 10 years, the rest of my life til death? I had to ask myself a question of whether I could handle how I was being treated badly in first marriage. When I asked myself if I could handle another ten years of such treatment, I broke down and cried. Thats how I knew I had to leave. I know its not your situation but asking yourself the question might help. I tell you the truth that although I do not feel in the mood each time the husband is in the mood, I willingly go along and do so because I have never been disappointed, I always enjoy myself greatly and I want to give him this because he is such a good man in how he treats me, totally opposite of ex. Most partnerships and marriages today are composed of two people who are best friends but not perfect as lovers, no chemistry for that. The other is people who are lovers and have the greatest sex ever but when not making out, they fight all the time. The former example is people where one feels like a friend, no desire or too little desire and the other wants it very badly but doesn't get it. they are best friends but since one is not getting needs met, sometimes a person is too easily lured into an affair. And sometimes, if both have wrong chemistry but both have high libidos, then each might start cheating.
The other situation, the couple may stay together but other than sex, the relationship is a very unhappy one. One or both may by chance meet someone who is easy to talk to and believes much the same and a person spends social time hanging out with to get the 'best friend' dosage they need but don't have, a person they can confide in who is not sexually attracted, just attracted as a good friend. The best option is someone whom you have sexual chemistry with, and have same libido with and also enjoy and never tires of their sweeties company, having a great close friendship as well. Just because most people do not have that, doesn't mean we should plan on settling for less. It is painful if two have feelings but are not the perfect match. But the pain of not being together now, has great potential to become a pain causing a wish to 'not be together' once older.
I would recommend to the two of you to go together to a couples counseling regarding your situation. Counselors hear this stuff all the time so talking about sex with them is not unusual. It is more unusual that people have no problem talking to them about the subject at all without major embarrassment. I have given you some things to think about. But I would feel best if you both do counseling now! That way, you can know whether to go ahead with marriage or call it off and keep searching for the right one. I know it may sound petty to have so much hinge on one thing but in a love relationship, it needs both people to be on the same page in how they feel about it. Right now, your guy is all smiles, young and thinking theres always the future, so it can get better. No one makes a change by outward influences, so you can't be compelled to have a higher libido by what he says and does, and neither can his libido go away as you well know now, just by choosing to not have sex. You'll always know the want is there and that is a very strong want . . .not like wanting a certain meal or dessert. He may think he can handle it now but as you fear, may change his mind after some time. Counseling could help him be honest with himself and tell how he really feels when he thinks about and imagines having the same once a week for the rest of his life. Remember, its not bad but the difference only is what is a bad sign. Maybe you too can overcome it and find a way that works for you both but doing so on your own isn't as likely to happen. See a couples counselor dear.
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