|
I'm tired of always being the second choice.
I'll be honest. I have plenty of friends.The problem is none of my friendships are very deep.Some of them I will get closer to and feel like our friendship is doing great, but then when any of their other friends are around they completely ignore me! But if I start talking to someone else because they are ignoring me, they will start trying to get my attention. What should I do?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
It may not be that you are 2nd choice, I'll explain.
Through school, I refused to be the gossipy types or the one who cut classes or other things that make someone popular and seem to have tons of friends. I knew plenty of people but just as acquaintances, fellow class mates and later as an adult, as other church members or neighbors or what ever. I might act friendly towards thess other people but it did not mean we were friends. So I wonder if that is your situation, shallow friendships or not friends but acquaintances only.
Some people may not feel they fit in any social group, I am one of them. I did have friends, but due to shyness, it was them who made the first move. I do remember when switching schools, the popular girls descended upon me the moment there was free time and told me to avoid Tina, that she was a terrible horrible person. I didn't realize yet that Tina was my next door neighbor, as we were in the new house only a couple days. So when I got a change, I made sure to find out for myself what Tina was like. She was nothing they said. However we didn't have anything in common and there was no friendship chemistry so I never became friends with her but a gal 5 houses up the alley from me. I am not one to believe what anyone says, even about celebrities. I have to here it from the horses mouth so to speak. I have to
learn from the actual person what they have to say, believe, how they act, personality and so on. I have found that to be the fairest choice to take because I would not like to be the one that someone made up awful stories about simply cus a person thought that would be fun, or because they were vindictive or plain just mean and always stirring up trouble or drama. I have a family member that happened to, and the hurt of people believing it, is with her today. I actually have had some similar things happen to me, but with actual family members, not the one I mentioned and yes it hurt but I took the higher road, waited for them to come around from two different grievances in two different situations of made up grievances, nothing that was real, just made up stories so good that it fooled others outside the family too and when I divorced the ex for abuse, he told a bunch of made up lies to any of our acquaintances
some who believed him but my actual close friend told me what he was saying and doing in case it came back to me and to this day, believes he is a pitiful excuse for a human. True friends are not the ones who hang out with you but disappear when you actually need help. Lets say you need comforting, to borrow a few bucks to pay a bill, a ride to the airport at an ungodly early am or extremely late pm time, etc. and the friend can not be found. Mostly young people, kids teens and college age can act like superficial friends but most people grow up as adults and begin to pick and choose friends that reflect the same temperament, beliefs and hobbies, never thinking what can I get out of her/him or even what can I do for her/him more out of pity for the person. Friends become friends because of things they have in common. Yet even having things in common doesn't make you want some people as automatic friends cus if that were the case, you'd be close friends with everyone who had the same hobbies and interests. It works the same in marriage. There has to be a friendship chemistry in one and the romantic/sexual chemistry in the other. So reality is that you can't be close friends with everyone, same as you can't be married to everyone you've ever met.
Focus on yourself. Are you happy with yourself as is, or is there room for improvement. Are you shy, have social anxiety, maybe selfish, pushy, lack self confidence, etc... If you have no clue, ask your parents. They raised you and know you better than anyone, including your talents and what is lacking. Yet they still love you. So if you want the truth cus you want to work on yourself, ask. I have learned much from reading books, watching things on line whether it was how to be good at relating with people in conversation, or learning to come out of my shell, how to be self confident.
Be happy with yourself first and it won't bother you to not have someone like you or invite you as a last choice. That happened often to me as a kid and teen. The problem I know now is that my social fears and anxieties made me not look fun as a person so few wanted to meet and befriend me. I didn't work on that until I was about to graduate HS and realized I couldn't navigate the adult world with the anxiety that held me back. Then I worked on self confidence about the time when I had kids.
Now if your specific problem is a friend ghosting you so you turn to someone else and the ghosting friend gets jealous and wants to know why you are paying attention they usually get from you, to someone else, I can tell you, this is a common situation with younger people. It happened to me in 6th grade. My closest friend lived up the alley from me and we spent all our weekends together and often after homework during the week. However, she tended to have problems with being very moody. Once upon a time, she got into one of these moods, and didn't come out of it as soon as usual. I would give her time and be ready to continue on once she was ready. However this one time, she didn't come out of it soon. She had no reason to be angry, it was whatever she was dealing with, some imbalance that caused her to be this way often. So I gave her space but got tired of waiting when she didn't just come back but continued to avoid me and ghost me. So I turned to a gal in my class I was casual friends with, and began to spend lots of time getting to know her and I liked her well enough to be a friend but I couldn't ever be really close with her. The moody friend got jealous and left a note on my desk asking what I thought I was doing spending time with Becky. So I tried talking to her again and it was difficult because she was still in her moody phase. I told her she would always be my best friend and I was giving her space to get over whatever it was and would be waiting for her once she was ready to pick up our friendship again. I was not replacing her but spending time with Becky so I wouldn't be so bored or lonely. That satisfied her and within a short while, she was back to her self and spending time with me. If we are talking teens instead, could be there is a misunderstanding in the persons mind, or thinking you did or said something that hurt them when the event never happened or was quite different from the event they remember and then a teen can choose to ghost you or be vindictive and try to make life hell for you. Little kids usually have no idea what they are doing yet. Its worse when its an adult. My ex and I used to run a class for preschool age kids at a church program for kids. I loved doing it. We usually had a couple great kids and the others were mischevious or trouble makers. I never complained and we were able to handle the class just fine. I am guessing it was about 25 kids. One day I heard two women behind me in church talking to each other about me, thinking they were quiet enough. It was something about having done a terrible thing, and hurting someones feelings. I had no idea what the gossip was about and since no one had approached me, forgot about it until one of our pastors approached me at the food bank/church offices building the church owned. The pastor told me that the secretary of church was very hurt by something another woman said to her concerning me and her 4 yr old daughter. He never asked me to do anything, but just pray. Well, I went immediately up to her and mentioned what I was told which comes as a surprise to me. (I am telling you this because it on rare occasions is a drama that happens in real life with adults no matter the age) I asked her what she had heard. I was shocked that someone told her that I got upset, cus her daughter was misbehaving and that I locked her in a storage closet of the room. This was totally fictitious. I had 3 kids and could imagine how I would feel if someone told me this about one of my kids, I was so horrified for her that I began to cry with her, hugging her as I said how awful that was to hear and I don't blame her for believing it, I would have too. But the total opposite is true. Her daughter was the most loving, sweetest and well behaved child in my class so I could not imagine how someone came up with that story. She calmed down and peace was restored. The pastor caught me on the way out and thanked me for doing that. I have had family members, on two different occasions make up total lies and stories of something horrible I did or said to them. In each case, I had not done what they said. These people two parents and one sister, on two different times stopped talking to me for 8 months to a year. Yes, it was that bad. In the end, I discovered that they misinterpreted what I said, and the other was not thinking my body language fit the good news they shared, comparing my response, a good one, to more flamboyant ones from mutual people we knew, people who were more flamboyant as a character. I am always careful to not hurt others with what I say and choose words carefully so though it was unlike me, people who did not know me as well, but including some who did (this hurt more) it was believeable because the people sharing their twisted stories with others never ever had done such a thing in their lives, just stable sweet people...so others believed. As I'd done with my school friend, I gave them time to get over being mad. Then tried phone calls, and it took a while, of unanswered calls until each one was ready to pick up the relationship. I didn't mention it nor ask for apology, just glad to have them back in my life. Recently in reminiscing the past with the one sis in question, I asked her if she remembered that. She told me she did not recall it at all, was I sure it happened? I guess it was so trivial to her that it did gain space in her memories. But for me, it was a hard time, when an older woman stepped in and made herself available as a Mom figure I could talk to til my own came back around. People can play nasty games with friendship at any age. You need to become so sure of yourself, high self confidence and esteem and always making an effort to be kind and helpful to others so that when this happens to you, painful as it may be, that you will be able to slug your way through it and be proud of yourself in the end for not letting it depress you greatly or become vindictive or what ever low energy response you might have. Work on yourself so that you know you are a good stable person, and that's how even today if someone snaps at me, or treats me badly in some way, I shrug it off, knowing that I wasn't lacking or a bad person, it was all them and whatever they lack in themselves, unhappiness that they choose to carry around with them, meanness or other immature ways of acting. I hope you can get to such a place eventually too.
]
Dear Self Choice,
You don't need the attention of others to make yourself feel good. It's important that friendships are not based on having attention or being ignored. You need to appreciate yourself first. Enjoy the people around you and make conversations but don't allow yourself to feel like if none are talking to you at the moment that it means you are not worthy of their friendship or they of yours. It's important that you never let yourself get sucked in to a place that makes you fell less worthy. Be positive and have a mindset that whether you are talking to friends, acquaintances or even other people that you know that appreciating yourself and being a good person will catch attention to others who will want to be around you more.
]
More Questions: |