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believing in second chances...
Female 33 years old, partner same..
We've been together for 2 years.. with ups and downs like every relationship, but somehow we manage to overcome it was a strong bond that we had, or at least i believed so...
Lately the relationship started to take a different form, from his side indifference, distance, not paying attention , no communication and not involving me in his everyday life).
From my side as a result.. over extreme Jealousy, desperate for love and attention, accusing him for things like cheating flirting..
In the end we both reached to a place where he had enough and i was lonely, but we never confront each other.. and it ended so badly that whenever i remember it, it's only pain.
now 1 month later it was really hard for me in every way possible, i had my ups and downs, crying , the anger, the disappointment all at once.
Now ... he wants me back, he tried to talk to me, we saw each other after long time, he said we needed this, needed this shake to come back to our senses, we were both doing mistakes and we forgot how we use to be, he told me he has more mistakes that he feels more responsible, and ready to make this work if only i leave everything behind and start new chapter without over thinking or doing more damage.
There's another thing,, he told me he was seeing someone during this time, and now all i'm thinking is "her", questions arising by itself..
Any suggestion that might help..??
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Oh boy! Well You may not like everything I have to say but it must be said. It is good that he was willing to admit what went wrong. However, taking on another female in relationship is not a minor thing and not something one accidentally does. There is the time leading up to it and the state of the couples relationship. It is a fact that there are two things needed to make a long lasting successful and satisfying relationship. One is to be each others best friend. The second is to be equals in sex and romance and have the chemistry needed for that. The sad fact is that most relationships have only one of those. Those with great sex won't be looking outside the relationship for it but may split because they don't treat each other as their best friend and only fight. The other is two people who are best friends but the chemistry isn't there or very weak for being lovers. I also have read online a piece written by men for women to help with explaining how to know if a guy really loves you. While they state he may love you enough to make him happy, it may not be enough for you. They also state that if a man changes how he treats you, becomes distant, stopping looking at you with desire and wanting you, no talking, and living a single life, leaving you out, and all of it means, he has lost interest in you. While what he had with you might now in comparison look way better to him than what he got when he went looking for love elsewhere, the fact he did that at all is actually bigger than the fact he cheated and should he be forgiven. Yes, he can be forgiven but whatever caused him to go outside the relationship in the first place, is still going to be there. It has nothing to do with you doing something wrong or him, but could very well mean you two don't have a solid foundation for your relationship and don't know it. This would mean one of two things are missing and I don't think its the friendship part. Two very nice people who are great as friends are already comfortable with each other but may not make good lovers because the chemistry is missing. I am not speaking of someone being a bad lover. I have enough life experience that I know, a man can be doing the exact same things in love making as the other, but one I feel out of control passion with and the other, it feels forced, not natural, awkward and unsatisfying. Think of receiving a romantic kiss from your Dad, brother or uncle for example, and how that would feel. Instant yuckiness for me and would kill my ability to have any joy in the experience. there is a range though and on a scale on 1 to 10 that's probably 1-3, non existent. A 4 to 7 range might mean it works great for him but not so much for you, and 8-10 is the romance and sex is out of this world for both of you. So lets say you guys hit middle of the chart, it wouldn't be enough for both of you, tho maybe one of you. However one will be unhappy once the other has curiosity to know whether there is something better on the other side of the fence and most often a person only wonders that when not totally satisfied in their sexual relationship due to lack of chemistry. The only other reasons are that it is part of their character to not commit and bed as many women as they can. This is why most usually, if things were okay to begin with, that the reason is lack of chemistry. However you may want to see if he will go for couple counseling. Getting back together after one month or so apart is not enough time for a person to change enough if the issue is not chemistry. So even if not married, it is counseling much needed for both of you to take to get things straightened out. You might go back to whatever the situation was before, like living together, but only if he goes to couple counseling which might only be called marriage counseling in your area. However if truly wanting to fight for the relationship, then this is what you do. You have to do this realizing that the two of you may not be together even after the counseling. If the counseling doesn't find an issue to work on, other than lack of chemistry, then its bad. Chemistry can't be faked, or happen just because you want it or try hard enough. If its not right, then a relationship will be an unhappy terrible one if one forces the relationship to exist, or the relationship falls apart and both part ways. I would say that sounds like the best choice, seeing a counselor first in case its something that can be corrected. You sound kinda willing to me, lets hope he is as well. So you might say, I might pick up the relationship with you if we go to counseling first to see if what went wrong can be fixed. In the end, if it can't, we may have to decide to part ways. But be clear about it. And remember if its lack of chemistry, he is not a bad man, just negligent on coming clean with you earlier. But he needs to understand the part about chemistry, so you may have to explain or show him my answer here. I wish you both the best. But if in the end the relationship must break up, I wish you both find the person with the right chemistry for you, and hopefully you can still be a friends, as much as a new partner will be okay with.
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