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Should my brother visit my dad who left us?
Some background information:
- my dad cheated on my mom and left us to live with his mistress
- my brother has a mental and physical disability
- my brother has severe trauma from all the fighting my parents did and his psychologist told me he trusts me the most
- my brother visits my dad every sunday and always comes home crying.
- last sunday my brother told me he did not want to see my dad anymore if I did not go with him because he only feels safe when i am with him
- a month ago my dad attacked my mom and got thrown into prison for a week (I was not home during this, I was at my dorm in another city)
Last week my brother told me he did not want to see our father if I did not come with because he feels unsafe. I called my dad and told him I would be joining them. He angrily said I was not welcome because I was the reason he got thrown into jail. I tried to reason with him because i had nothing to do with that situation but he did not want to listen.
What should I do now?
Do i send my brother to visit my dad alone again (he will probably cry and be afraid again)
Do i go with him anyway (my father will probably be really angry)
Do i keep my brother at home, where he will not see our das (dad wil probably also be really angry)
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Well, the world isn't always fair. Some of us get good parents, and others get people who are kids in adult bodies. Whatever your Dad was supposed to learn when younger, he never learned so life will keep putting him in situations where he is forced to do the right things and so far, sounds like he is fighting tooth and nail to do or not do as he wished, heck with the rules, laws, common decency, and so on. The only change for the better for Dad can come from inside of him, of his facing what he is doing, admitting he was wrong and sincerely applying himself to whatever he needs to be healthier in his mind. There is a possibility that having a child with mental and physical disabilities was the final thing that sent him off track into this downward cycle, into which he'd like to drag any family he can. There is a reason for that saying, "Misery loves company" and it can mean simply that no one really likes being alone if they are living a life they are miserable with but it usually means, their drama is so far from anyone else, that such a person will do all they can to make them miserable too so that they can feel briefly good that someone else is miserable now too. It seems that's what Dad is doing with your brother. I used to do caregiving for a mentally disabled gal who lived on her own but needed some help. If people on the phone gave her the run around, she'd get extremely upset. Once she threw her phone on the floor real hard and broke it, another she called 911 cus her heart rate went up too high. Now this is just non targeted frustrations, the non help on the line with someone, and frustrating for even the non mentally challenged. So it definitely is not a good idea to allow your brother to go visit Dad. You don't take him and go along either. Dad won't have changed that soon. For many, its a lifetime and still no change for the better, and there is nothing you, brother or Mom can do to fix it. Your Mom may love the person he used to be but would be safer once he gets out if she gets a restraining order that keeps him from being within so many feet of her or the house or your brother. She might want to check on getting a legal separation. Not divorce yet. He gets a chance to go for professional help. If he doesn't within a time limit Mom sets, then she will file for divorce. I mention your Mom now as you boys aren't the only ones abused. Abuse is verbal and physical. I suffered verbal abuse in first marriage which changed at the end to also pushing and shoving me. It likely would have escalated. I went with him to a dr we both choose for him. I thought he was going to his appts til I over-heard him tell a friend on phone that he wasn't going, just pretending so I'd be happy. Funny, it didn't occur to him that it wasn't going to the Dr. I wanted the most but for him to change for the better, which was not happening so I talked to the Dr. who told me some people are very ready and work on change right away while others never change up to the day they die. Then he follows that with the question: "So do you feel based on what I told you whether there is any hope for your marriage?" My answer was no and that's when I began my plan to leave him. I hope your Mom can do something rather than just sit around waiting to see what happens. If she is prompted to, she can ask me more of my experience with an abusive husband. Sorry but your Dad most likely from what you have said is both verbally and physically abusive. You are the only one who can protect yourself cus no super-hero is gonna swoop in and save the day. I heard someone say that the definition of being insane is to have a problem that you can't fix (fixing your dad) and yet put yourself in that situation over and over, (seeing and visiting him) hoping that even with no changes to make things work now, that things will magically work fine. Thats crazy and yet so many of us without thinking of it, subject our selves to such bad stuff thinking it will get better. Once I realized he wasn't going to change, I had to learn next to never again subject myself to such treatment, from spouse, friends, an employer. For peace of mind, its not worth getting sucked into their game, thinking maybe we can win an argument, it won't happen. I know from experience with the ex. It didn't help when I detached my mind from the ex while he was chewing me out, my mind was elsewere. However, one time I didn't respond in anger when he was sure he would get an angry reaction now and he started yelling about how I didn't care and take things seriously. So all your decisions will need to be for the best for your brother and yourself. If I were you, I would not visit Dad at all, not to keep up the routine of visits that only hurt you two.
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