|
Do I cut off this friend or not?
I made this guy friend almost a year ago and we snapchat everyday and sometimes talk at school. I think he’s obsessed with me though, he gets angry about any male attention i get or if i mention another male. He is constantly getting annoyed at me for stupid things that he over thinks about. He talks to me so nice when he’s happy when he’s not he speaks to me so rudely and i don’t like it. He always starts arguments if anything i do annoys him even though we are just friends. I get anxiety when he starts an argument with me. I really like being his friend but hate this side of him it makes me feel really awful and anxious. What do i do?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
That sounds like a difficult situation, I am sorry you are going through this. Your friend is showing an inappropriate level of obsessiveness over you. He is crossing boundaries he shouldn't as a friend or even if he was your romantic partner. Talking everyday is something that dating people do, and is not suitable for a normal friendship. He probably has some level of romantic feelings for you but is either unaware of them or unwilling to confess to you.
A friend who's main motivation is your best interest will not try to control you or other people from paying attention to you (especially guys). Speaking to you rudely and getting consistently annoyed at you is wrong. You deserve to be treated with respect and understanding. You deserve to explore healthy romantic relationships and friendships with whomever you decide is right for you.
As girls, we are taught by society to be nice under all circumstances. This teaching is incorrect for situations where we are not treated with respect. You have to be firm, aggressive and set boundaries to protect yourself. Obsessive people can become possessive and dangerous if they become too involved.
I would recommend reading a book about boundaries. There are good books out there like "Boundaries Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries" by Anne Katherine or "Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life" by Henry Cloud (this one if you're Christian). An example might be " Can I talk to you about something because I value our friendship? When you criticized me after I did X, I felt bad. When I went home I felt anxious and insecure. I would would appreciate it if you could help me recognize things I can like about myself. Can you join me in recognizing things I can like about myself and avoid raising your voice at me in the future?"
Another example would be not snapchatting everyday. Maybe reduce it to twice a week, and then once a week.
Set boundaries with him and see how he responds. If he respects your boundaries, he will learn to be a better friend and your friendship will improve. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, this tells you he wants you to meet his needs at the expense of violating your needs, without treating you like a person.
In either case, it's very important to start investing seriously in your other friendships and creating some distance in this one. Spend more time with other existing friends, supportive family members or meeting new people. Spend less time with this friend and create some distance in physical space, social media and emotions. This will make this friendship healthier and strengthen your support network, especially in situations where he makes you feel awful and anxious.
There are cases where you need to end friendships if they become unhealthy or dangerous.I am concerned because you feel awful and anxious. Trust your gut feelings. If this is the case with this guy friend, this is a normal, brave and healthy thing to do.
]
My first husband was abusive. I studied lots about the different kinds of abuse, having personal interest as this used to apply to me. And I can say, yes, you would be better off not being a friend to the person you mentioned. You do say you like being his friend but hate this side of him. Well, unless he is able to see he has a problem and acknowledge he needs help and go to get professional help, he's not going to get better. The parts you like, well every problem person has that, even my ex. But it is a vicious cycle. The cycle starts with being charming and sweet and then gets less so and evolves into being mean, rude, embarrassing you in public, yelling, pushing and for many women,beating her, but not me though as I left him right as he began to push and shove me around. The thing about getting jealous if you talk to another man, even if its a male clerk at the grocery, will have him erupting in anger at you. The problem is all his though, a problem with not being 'the pack leader' is how these guys feel, they feel they will lose you to another male, very insecure when it concerns another man and the woman they like. You see them take ownership of you like a piece of property and you have as little choice as the shoes he wears each day in where they are going and what they will experience. I have witnessed this twice in my life seeing a woman treated badly or very controlling as the guy you mean. A controller type lacks ability to get along with another in that they feel they are above and better than everyone else. My ex felt he had no problems and that I was the problem even after his first two visits to a Dr. where I went along for the visit to support him getting started. Then he pretended he was going but quit and told a friend he wasn't going and faking it to me. I knew then there was no chance of him getting better. And we were not HS or college age but older parents with teen kids. So while there were a few nice moments and memories, most were bad and the ratio of bad versus good kept changing with good experiences dwindling over time and the bad experiences occurring more frequently. Most women are not just friends with such a guy but dating, or married to, something that makes them feel they have control and ownership of you. So if he's doing this already now, you can only expect a lot more, having all your family members and friends eventually cut off from you, tracking you by your phone, demanding to check everything you do, including phone, never happy with anything you do, taking away your security and joy and replace with insecurity, fear, and more fear. All this for simply giving away control of your life to him. Even if you never made such a decision, he believes you did because you are interacting with him. So the best way to stop this is to stop talking to him daily, stop acknowledging his presense if you see him. If you happen to look a direction and he is there, then the eyes may meet but don't smile, thats an invite saying you are friendly and its okay to approach you. If he still gives you trouble seeing you cant totally escape running into him, if he threatens or causes you any fear still, let school officials know and make a police report. No, he won't go to jail from the one incident but it is necessary for what they call a paper trail, even if on pc's today. If he repeats the offense with you or other girls in the future, and is reported, this will then show as a trend, especially if he has been reported several times and then he may have to face a short jail time. If there is bodily damage, whatever happens to him should increase in severity. Problem is, I didn't know to report stuff like this when I married at 20. I only learned from being in the situation. You are thankfully learning this early enough and asking for advice early on so I have high hopes you will choose well for dates and a husband eventually, or wife if you are gay.
]
More Questions: |