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Cutting off family
Most of my family never wants me to have a kid.They dont do this with other family members and im not overly young,being in my mid 20's.The've told me that i'm not smart enough to raise a child and that reproducing would be cruel.Am I in the wrong for wanting to cut them out of my life for this? I've always wanted a family and it deeply pains me that they disapprove of the idea so much.
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Wow, Dr Stephanie has all the same questions I was about to write. I too, feel there must be some important information missing. Maybe you haven't asked enough questions to know what is really going on here. I will say that saying you aren't smart or capable to reproduce reminds me a lot of how our country used to treat disabled people, whether physically or mentally and on the mental disability side, were making those people barren so they couldn't have kids. Women are having children in their twenties and early thirties although there are those who have a child earlier in teens or late thirties/early forties if starting a relationship later than most, or working on a career first. So I do not believe age is a factor here. If you have any siblings with children, it would be interesting to know if they all waited until 30 or so to have kids. So to say 'never have a child' is not the reason, cus they are saying no to a kid for you in your 20s, 30s, 40s, and so on til you hit menopause and can't have one anyways. The only consideration I think I would consider when they say never, is if there is a family congenital disease that has shown up in children of siblings and the chance of your kid born with a life threatening disease is so high that its better to plan to adopt. And the other, if a mental disability so severe that you need constant 24 hr care as in qualifying for and having care givers if living on your own. As for knowing how to raise a child, most people know zilch before the child is born, learning it all as they go. They can feel more relaxed with a second child but the odds are with a different personality, any subsequent children will be new challenges with you having to learn as you go. If you can provide more info, please do so as without, its difficult to give advice.
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I am so sorry that you and your family are at such odds. Surely, there is much more to this story than what you have shared?
You said nothing, for example, about whether you are married or single, partnered or not, whether you are ready to support a child until the age of eighteen, whether you even know about how much this will cost and what kind of income and savings you will have to do this, etc.
If "most" of your family is against this, why do they say you aren't "smart enough"? Have you ever been diagnosed with a limited I.Q.,? So many unanswered questions.
Do you think they are serious or jolking? If "most" of them feel this way, there has to be some kind of reason that would be valid, at least , to them.
You may choose to cut them out of your life, but think carefully about doing this, as it will affect not only you, but any future children you may have.
You aren't wrong for always having wanted to have a family, including having your own children. But I haven't read anything,yet,from you, about your level or readiness , maturity, ability to parent, educate, not to mention supporting children financially. Instead, I hear that more than one other family member thinks its not a good idea, and if this is so, if its "most of them", then there has to be some sort of good reason behind their positions.
Before you choose to sever all your family ties, which will be painful for you, as well as for them, consider this: how about consulting a family counselor? If a trained professional counselor could work with all of you together, as well as individually, perhaps this sad conflict could be resolved in a less drastic way,and everyone, including yourself, might come out of it getting more of what they wish.
Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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