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Young engagement
I’m 14 (trans male) and I have a bf (14, trans male), and I know we may be a bit young but I really want to propose to him. He’s definitely the one for me. And I could imagine loosing him, and I want to make a promise to keep so what should I do? Should I hold off or just go for it?
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I assume you are meaning marriage when you become adults in age legally. You are old enough to make a promise. However, you are not yet done as far as your full personality and character goes. Although some people may continue learning and slowly changing parts of who they are, many may change enough in the future that even a friend may not recognize them now from whom they started out as. One or both of you may change, and it is pretty likely you will change some parts of the original you and keep other. This could happen to both of you. But I wouldn't live life worrying about this. You wanting to propose marriage shows me where your heart is and it reminds me of something our church used to do when kids reached puberty, but they chose a general age of thirteen where the kids that reached that age were expected to chose or not if they wanted to wear a promise ring. The church said it was a promise to remain a virgin until one's wedding night, not before. It was during this time one daughter wore one, the next one wore one a while, then took it off, the youngest was at a point in my life when some of my perspectives on church and spirituality came into question in my life and I soon made the kind of change in my life, my youngest knew she could ask me if she still should wear the ring. If you agree with me mostly, then its probably gonna make you feel better to change. If somewhere there is a tradition of wearing rings that starts at early teens, then I see no reason why you can't make a pledge now for as long as you both stay in love with each other, you will be together. You hope it will be a lifetime, which is great to hope, but as most us older adults know, what you want to have in life, to have happen to you, you don't often get. But worrying about later, will only cause you to take your focus off the current time, enjoying 'now' so I would encourage you to make a vow but it would be great if you both then decide if you want to wear a promise ring, to marry some day, then that would be wonderful. My new husband and I just didn't have funds for a ring. He finally found an old style wedding band he had picked up as a young guy at a pawn shop telling himself that his future wife would wear it. It was comfortable and fit me which was important details to me. Now we had to get him something. He told me he loved puzzle rings and used to have one. He'd wear one as his wedding band. I was just thinking that if at your age, you decide to not be obvious to anyone, even family, a puzzle ring worn on any finger would do for, as long as you and your bf like the same one. Learn how to take it apart and put back together. It will simply look as something you both now have the same interest in, or got the other one hooked. And you can perform the trick of disassemble and reassemble so people focus on a puzzle ring rather than the fact that it has special meaning to you both. A puzzle ring will have a woven look like a celtic ring, but the pieces which are connected by looping through others, has one way only that the ring can be put back together. If he likes you enough to date you, then he should find the proposal to be sweet, rather than weird. I don't think you would lose him. But whether he would be okay wearing a secret ring with meaning or not, he would be the one to decide whether he is more comfortable staying with you without a ring or with a ring.
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Your feelings are what they are, regardless of your young ages. So respect and honor them. Do know, however, that because of your young ages, your feelings are highly likely to change over time, despite how strongly and definitely you feel about them right now.
You didn't say how long you've felt this way or whether your feelings are equally returned.
There's an alternative ,however: if your bf feels the same, you might consider exchanging something like promise rings, which could be made of anything, and this would make each of you feel more committed to the other, at least for now.
Do know that people even twice as old as you have relationships that may be passionate and appear to be lasting forever...then one or both people end up changing and changing their minds. It happens.
And your gender identifications have nothing to do with it, its about people of all stripes.
As to whether you should hold off , or not, nothing ventured, nothing gained? Its a risk, if you act on your feelings; but only you can decide whether its worth it , or not.
Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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