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I'm unable to be emotionally vulnerable around my parents... or anyone?
My parents are so out of touch with healthy emotional control. They constantly invalidate my emotions about literally everything and tell me "I'm being dramatic," or when it devolves into an argument, "You're psycho." I can't confide in my mom, ever, and I've long since learned my lesson about that. I haven't told her something real about my life in years. However, I thought that my dad was at least a little more understanding. That changed, quickly. Even something small, like me saying "I'm bad at history, so I'm really proud that I got a good grade in APUSH this term" (yeah, I have to say that to myself because my parents would never say that to me, they don't even understand that people can just be bad at some things no matter how hard they try) devolves into them lecturing me about how if I want to be a lawyer, I have to learn how to be good at history. I don't even know if I want to be a lawyer. It's been my plan ever since probably elementary school, when I learned that a lawyer or a doctor were probably the only jobs that my parents will be proud of and that I sucked at science. But now I'm a junior and I don't want to be stuck doing something I hate for the rest of my life, but it's been my plan for so long that I don't even know what to do without it. Sorry, I digress. Even a small rant to my dad about how my best friend was being really judgmental about something really important to me he turns against me, saying I shouldn't be so sensitive. I knew that it wasn't that big a deal, I was just upset and wanted to let it out somewhere, definitely not on my friend, so I just vented my emotions. My dad said that I shouldn't even need to vent, because it wasn't that big a deal and I was being irrational. And I can see the effects of this, which freaks me out even more! I'm really touchy with my friends, I like draping myself all over them and hugging, but only if I'm hugging them. Other people hugging me makes me uncomfortable (or even them hugging back !! thus why I usually hug them from the back) and any deeper talks of affection or emotion makes me REALLY uncomfortable, and I feel like that's not normal or healthy??? Sorry, I don't even know if any of that was coherent, I think I just needed a place to rant, and clearly, I can't to any of my family. As for my friends, it's not that I don't trust them- logically, I know that they'll be understanding, but emotionally, I just can't make myself to open up to them.
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Your parents are the ones with problems. So its best to not talk or vent or anything. They both have a negative streak that you can do nothing about other than pray if you wish. They need to get to a place where they realize they have an issue and then from within, find the courage to do something about it. So stop approaching them. I wonder though if you are an only child as they sound like people who never wanted to be bothered with children. I myself when my kids were young, found that at times if I was in a bad mood from a work day and they started jabbering away, I had to warn them to give me some space and quiet time because I was so uptight right then, I felt like dismissing them with the kind of comments you say your parents make. However, I nipped that in the bud for me and became a better parent and as adults the kids still say I was a terrific mom.
I am worried to hear that you are thinking of becoming a lawyer or Dr. simply because it occurred to you that only these two jobs were ones your parents would be proud of. This is all very WRONG! A parent should not be applying their own hopes and wishes which they never got to see happen, to any of their children. Doing this is trying to live their life vicariously through you. It gives no thought to whether you would be good at those jobs, whether you have the natural skill even with school training. Your life is your own to live and make decisions and learn by, and grow.
By time you graduate from school, you will have a pretty good idea what subjects you are just not good at, mine was math. To force yourself into a career where you are constantly struggling will end up with you not wanting to go to work, maybe getting depressed.
As for your friends: It may be that you are so fearful of anything near the kind of reactions your parents have with you that you choose to not talk to friends because having someone closer to your age whom you can confide in is very normal but it seems you hold yourself back.
You are sensitive to feeling things in life such as when you receive a hug, feeling really uncomfortable yet you still give hugs from the back. Its like you instinctively know that this is important. And I can tell you that the uncomfortable feeling of a long frontal bear hug when you first do it, feels uncomfortable. When I got to that point in the past, I would pull away and stop. But when I read how hugging can be a therapy for helping you feel good, I was willing to try again and not abort. So I gave hugs and would hang in there, and push through the very uncomfortable feeling and to my surprise, in seconds of feeling that, I was filled with an elated feeling, a good feeling that made me feel happier. Now I hug regularly and once in a while a person who accepted the hug will start to pull back when they feel this same uncomfortable feeling hit but I hang on about 3 seconds longer and thats when they too feel those good feelings. I can't say for sure why this is, but an educated guess would say it may be tied to people needing that private bubble of space around them and do not like when others are in their space or get too close or stay too long. Once you have gone past the uncomfortable feeling, hopefully like me, you won't feel it anymore.
Warning, if your parents say they will pay for your schooling, that could turn into a trap worse than your situation now. I have heard from numerous college students whose parents were paying for college so they pulled the strings or lets say rules. They threatened to pull out their funding if a child quit or changed their degree, and also, instead of dorm housing had convinced the child to live at home. Then as a young adult, when you should have the freedom to live where you want, go to the school you want and date whom you want, the parents begin to control all that threatening you with being kicked out of home, banning you from dating individuals of your choice, sometimes going further and pushing a person of their choice at you. If your parents are as you say they are, it is a greater possibility that they may do this to you if you accept their help with schooling and their home to live in. So the best thing you can do is start now working PT while finishing High School. Once graduated, find some full time work and work for a year or two saving up your money before starting school. You may not be able to afford a top college and have to start at a community college but there are beginner classes everyone has to take before working on their degree and those can happen at community college. Once in college, try to still work PT somewhere so you still have income coming to you. If life at home becomes unbearable with the parents, you may want to find a couple other students and rent an apartment together so the cost is split between 3 people or so. Those plans are something you may have to think about. Find yourself someone older with life experience whom you trust to be your person you turn to even just to unload your thoughts. I believe you may be social like me and I can't stand being alone. I've done it long enough to know I was miserable without having a best friend to confide in, where I am not judged or offered advice I wasn't seeking, someone like minded. I have found that in my second husband. He's my best friend and also my sweethearat and unconditionally loves and supports my wishes. He acknowledges he could never do what I do here at Advicenators, he doesn't have the patience to deal with his own issues let alone someone elses. However, he is so proud of what I try to do on here, share advice so the person can better make some good choices for their selves. It really is up to you. At one point, our parents are gone and what will be left of us? If you have been living to do your parents wishes as an older adult, you may hate your job, never have married and have no children and thats a very unhappy life because although there are a few individuals who may like and choose such a life, most of us don't like it at all. I wish you the best dear.
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Hi. I'm glad you wrote, because it sounds as if you have no one else to talk with, having received constant negative comments or put-downs from your parents. You also hold off on confiding to others.
You can't get water from a dry well. Your parents may and most probably mean well, but the pattern of negativity seems pretty well solidified. The message in this old saying is to stop trying !
You shouldn't be so concerned about the career path you will take, at this early stage. Instead, if you concentrate on getting good grades, this will keep the doors open for future choices. Indeed, many people aren't sure what they want to do, including those who have already gone to college and graduated !
It would be nice for you, if you were to find and keep at least one very good friend. This can make all the difference. Look for people who share common interests with you, and that you like and feel you can trust. And then, be willing to take some chances on trusting them.
And back to your future career choices: you and you alone are the only one who should choose what you wish to do, as you will have to live with it for the rest of your life.
As for your parents, you may be giving them "ammunition" by sharing your thoughts , feelings and plans or problems with them. Though you should be able to do this, in your case, it sure sounds as if it backfires every time you do? It takes two to have a conversation...
If I were in your shoes, I'd be interested in finding a part-time job after school or on the weekends. You are going to need your independence. And that means you are also going to need money. Start saving now! From your school grade, I'm guessing that you are probably about sixteen or seventeen, and this means you will only have a short time before you will be old enough, legally, to make your own choices and plans. And I predict that you will be leaving home as soon as you can. Your options could include going off to college, getting a room mate, even joining the military. Start exploring on your own, without having to deal with pressure from your parents.
You can talk about this with your school counselor, if you like. Soon, you will be of age, and then, the world will open up for you.Start preparing now, with money and information.
Good luck and good wishes! Dr. Stephanie
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