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Should i let go of him at this point.
Hi there, I will attempt to keep this as brief as possible and explain it as well as I can.
Female 33, partner same...
We've been together almost 2 years, we moved in together after 3 months of relationship, everything started so quick, as if i didn't want the relationship but he was so insistent that till now i don't regret any minute of it..
It was all good in the beginning, in a way that you don't question anything, shortcut he was the full package.
later some ex appeared and my doubtful old self took place ( been cheated twice..) He didn't do anything wrong on the contrary he was so assuring and did nothing wrong. and after that i started to check everything, question him and at some point i think i chocked him. we talked alot and then i was back to normal, he was my person again.
couple of month later out of no where i went to his WA and found out he was actually flirting with a colloegue.. i faced him and is reaction was "nothing" of course i left the house, 2 weeks nothing no calls no texts for me it was a break up and i didn't handle it very well.
We work in the same company ( forgot to mention..) he came i was alone in the Reception areaand all of a sudden started to kiss me, he said he misses me, he loves me and that there was nothing but the flirting nothing more happened and he was sorry and nothing like that will happen again.
For some reason i believe him, nothing happened i'm sure. but of course the doubt inside me grow up like a cancer, i don't trust him anymore even though it was just a flirting..
I started to check his WA Instagram FB all that you can think of.. checking the lady's stories.. i lost it..
And when we talked about it he was getting angry so fast and when i was asking from him an insurance he was like i didn't do anything wrong i don't have to prove myself to you, you just have to trust me..
All this time i feel neglected, not wanted and i feel like he's keeping me like an option, we're not leaving together anymore i'm with my cousin, and he's not even suggesting to move back..
everyday we're falling apart more and more, i feel like he lost the interest and fall out of love, and the funny thing is he's not even saying let's end it, only i want this to work this time.
I don't understand how it's going to work if there's no effort from his side, i've been there for him all this time supporting him emotionally mentally financally ( we resigned from our previous job together as the owners were my family in Dubai, when they didn't approve of the relationship...) we stayed without job for 2 months and it's not easy in Dubai.
Now i feel Insecure, i've lost my self respect my self confidence and i'm afraid losing him after all.
Is there any way that this relationship could be saved!! or i should just leave him..
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I have a daughter your age, had her when I was 30 so this is to let you know that some of what you typed is stuff I just didn't understand, as I'm from another generation and maybe it will mean something to someone younger.
However, the important point to all this is something I do get. You were cheated on in past. You and he both have partners in the past. One of his showed up, either by text, call or ran into out in public. You know you felt distrust and jealousy.
This I can answer and explain to you in a way that you will know what needs to be done. I will need to teach you what I have learned, either from books, reading articles, hearing from friends and of course my own experiences. When I was younger, like your age, I was married and had 3 kids already but I had little self esteem or self confidence or understanding of what is a red flag in a person or relationship, and so on. So I was married to a verbally abusive man and did not leave him until I was older and wiser, my late forties. I will go back through what you wrote and address anything I feel is important to help you sol this doesn't happen again and you'll know how to decide what to do now.
Okay, I get it, things went fast. They did for me 2nd time around. First time was slower. What I can say is that if a person is self assured and confident and knows how to spot a red flag, like myself when starting to date again after 6 wks shy of 30 years, when I left him and got divorced, I can feel extremely sure in a short time, one month before I moved in.
You say he is the full package and you know what that means but I may not see it the same as you so I will say, to me 'full package' means the man has all the qualities that a woman wants in a man. To be honest, I feel those qualities are women short-changing themselves because the list of qualities is too short, not specific enough to bring a gal the guy of her dreams. I explain all that in a document I send out to any who wishes, just go to search advise columnists, click there and find me to click on , dragonflymagic and ask for Finding Mr. Right.
You say you've been cheated on twice. That tells me there is something wrong in the area of what you are looking for in a boyfriend. Again, you'll understand better what I mean if I send you 'Finding Mr. Right'. Then you became doubtful. You probably would say you felt doubtful of him, right? I learned that it is more complicated because we tend to throw blame at the guy to cover up the fact we are doubtful of ourselves (low self esteem, and lack of confidence) and often we don't know it, that we truly doubt our selves, especially our judgement in choosing a great guy.
Or women ask how they keep ending up with the wrong guy. It boils down to something they haven't learned yet to do right so the situation in which they are most likely to learn this 'thing' will likely repeat itself, over and over until the person learns the lesson they were meant to learn in their lifetime. Your insecurities caused you to sneak and check on what he was doing. He flirts with someone from his past. You get jealous. Jealosy is actually a fear of losing something. The something you fear losing is him, losing him to another woman. I do not have that fear. My husband tells me often how my body shape is exactly what he dreamed of as a boy and he is still in awe of it, even as I age. He has said several times that he knows he could never find anyone else like me and therefore has no intention of living long if I pass on before him. Its the stuff like that, repeated at random times, but many times. And by the facial expressions, he is still in awe of me, his words, not mine. I am just sharing to show you that you wouldn't have such a jealousy if not for two bf's cheated on you, and as I said earlier, something is wrong with the fact of how you go about choosing a man to date. I don't know what WA is initials, or short for but the jist of it was you caught him flirting with a colleague. Was flirting ever discussed when you first started dating? And if so, were any boundaries mentioned and regreed to by both. There was something I didn't think I had to make clear, a boundary. I am not into overtly gross PDAs in others and abide by the same myself. I never mentioned it as a boundary until it happened and I was upset, crying and he asked what was wrong, and when I told him why it bothered me, he was so great, apologizing for doing it, feeling bad that he didn't know and therefore felt bad for doing it. He promised that now that he knows, it will never happen again and he has honored his promise for many years and still is.
Back to you: "i faced him and his reaction was "nothing" of course i left the house" So there are a couple things I need to say about flirting, people's idea's of what flirting is, may differ quite alot at times. Perhaps he truly was raised in a home with flirts with others were usually not meant as a real flirts but just being nice and saying something nice about the other woman. In 99 % of middle age and older women, when my husband compliments a woman like a store clerk, they know instinctively that he is not hitting on them but truly delivering a compliment. Only once did a woman look in horror at me after my husband complimented her necklace and I had to cover my mouth to hide and swallow my laughter. So what you feel flirting is, might differ from his. Also not seeing flirting as harmful. While another is more touchy about what means a flirt to her. You might think standing too close to another man is flirting, while standing close to show an interest in another is body language, yet the first person may not even think twice about it. They may be unaware of body language studies and how bad it might look to someone whose beliefs on flirting differ. Healthy flirting if both partners agree on some rules for each other can be fun and keep skills sharp for flirting to your partner. Not often but sometimes my husband and I play act a flirt with someone we know of the opposite sex, it's more like a dose of 'make you happy' if you receive a flirt. What I should say is that there isn't a right or wrong about flirting. The only wrong is two people in a relationship have different feelings about flirting. Lets see, next you ask him for (i believe you meant...) reassurance. I am guessing you wanted him to tell you something happened so you can decide you have been cheated on one more time with one more guy, that way the fear you have, which is actually now like a self prediction is something you say is going to happen regarding something in ones life, like love life. Its so easy to say that for some reason every new guy cheats on you. Your conscience mind might want you to find Mr Right but your subconscious mind, that part of your mind that takes over and plays dreams all night is the same mind that reminds your eyes to blink and your lungs to take their next breath. This subconscious mind may feel differently abut something like cheating, it will be the more fearful, like a child but old enough to know what they feel a relationship should be. So there are people who believe one thing, yet do another or believe another and that means you are basically fighting yourself. So after a silence, you meet in reception and he kisses you and tells you he misses you and it sounds like you both got back together. Then you say you believe him that nothing happened and in the same sentence say doubt appeared. belief and doubt are not the same things. These are total opposites. Do you realize you just shared that your mind is torn between two polar opposies, believing or doubting. I will share what I feel trust is. Trust is the knowledge that what I saw in my man is for real, that he wasn't putting on an act to win me, but by consistently being what he says he is, the knowledge that he is the same no matter what and that what he is, is something real, true and I can believe in him. I believe he doesn't have interest in having an affair, and he has done little of saying that, but he has done a lot in complimenting me in the realm of sex, and by what he says consistently, I know how special I am to him and knowing his character, he could not being interested in a relationship with another woman if he is thanking me daily for being who I am as a woman, and how he feels so lucky he met me and that we are married and in love. So I do not doubt him. That is where my mind is really at, because I often see situations or things he innocently said but could be taken another way, I know I just laugh-- I am secure but many women take the same and would react, overreact in jealousy or rage.
Ok, next: "All this time i feel neglected, not wanted and i feel like he's keeping me like an option."
You mention a lot of feelings. Did you know that feelings are emotions that are so strong, we mistake our feelings for the real thing. Feelings alone, can lead your heart astray. If you have feelings but are backing your feelings up with scientific proof, the kind of thing that flies in court, then it is okay as you are not following around or being led by feelings. You mentioned being married. Not accepted by family so you left. I don't know how far you are now from family or if you have seen them since you married. But just being alone and away from them is enough to give you feelings that are not related to your boyfriend/husband. I can't say if you are really saying you feel neglected as I don't see the situation as neglect, but you feeling alone, away from family, vulnerable feeling perhaps and more. Keeping you as an option? Do you realize what that says? Unless the guy is very insecure about talking to and meeting girls, a guy does not think about keeping a girl on the side in case a relationship doesn't work. He doesn't go back to an ex because of whatever the problem was before, he goes on to another woman. If a man can change from one woman to another so easily, keeping you as an option, then he is not in love with all of you, your character and so on. Then you say day you're falling apart more...what are you saying? That You can fall apart more? Apart is apart and that is the state of your relationship with him currently. You are apart. You use 'being there for him' as the explanation as to why he should work to make the relationship work. Okay, maybe he did cheat. But all the things you shared showed me another picture I know too well because many of aspects of the same were faced by me. The question was, why is this happening to me. But now that I am older I realize when I experience the same situation a second time, I am already asking myself what is it that I can learn from this situation. I can assure there is a lesson to be learned in the lives of every person on the planet and for each, it is something different. We usually have no idea until a situation happens a 2nd time, that perhaps we missed a step in leaving that relationship, a step that included healthy thoughts about yourself, a true healthy outlook on life and I am sorry, I may be grossly wrong, but I get feelings too and right now a thought just hit me that you are feeling lost and don't know what to do. With a divorce from 1st husband, he was verbally abusive and started shoving me around the house and it was obvious he was mistreating me. I understood that part, and it wasn't until I saw my role in this situation, as even though naive and ending up married to a bad man, I in innocense made a mistake at first by choosing him and worse, knowing what was going on, decided to stay when he did not want counseling and said I was the only problem. It took me about 30 years to finally end it with the husband. I know how easy it could be for me to feel so lost after leaving and having to start a new life but I did not allow myself to fall into that trap, feeling so alone.
i've lost my self respect my self confidence . Those are your words. I know what you believe but I was fully in lack of both those things in my past, so I know what it looks like in a person. Again, I may be very wrong but if I am not, you believe you had those qualities and lost them. I believe you never had them when entering into this relationship before anything had happened. He may have issues that need addressing and I would recommend seeing a counselor to bring these to his attention so he can deal with it. However, I am thinking couple counseling might be very good for both of you because again from what you wrote, I saw enough to make me believe that you did not learn what you should have with going through cheating twice. You brought that into a new relationship which is something to avoid. It is not healthy for a new relationship. My first three boyfriends all I dated on the average 6 mos, after my divorce, knew what I'd said about my ex to explain my behavior which was a habit I was trying to break but a coping measure from my marriage I was applying in new relationships, and over explaining and over thinking everything I had to say and explain that are things in a normal healthy relationship that don't need it. I was basically apologizing for doing something that I never really did wrong. It wasn't even a right or wrong issue. You want to know if the relationship can be saved. I am starting to feel that this and any future relationships can not be saved until you deal with your feelings from the previous cheatings, and not go looking for monsters because you, like me, got so used to thinking a certain way about something in a bad situation that you are using the same tactics now in a new relationship, and as an ex-counselor friend told me, were survival and survivor tactics that were okay for you to use when you were cheated on before, like not trusting either of them again. You didn't drop that belief as you entered this current relationship which is hurtful to any new relationship. Once I broke my habit of using my coping mechanisms mentally, I had to heal properly from a bad experience. So I know you needed to also, but it doesn't sound to me like you may have time to heal or it was gone about the wrong way. You could have been following advice from friends or someone other than just your own self and decision. Right now, I can't say that the two of you are perfect for each other or wrong for each other but would be perfect for someone else. Thats me, I was the wrong person for my ex husband. But I am the right person for my 2nd husband. You can go from a negative situation in which you just survived a bad situation into becoming an overcomer rather than a survivor. A survivor goes throughs a bad situation, maybe survives death but suffers from other mental conditions due to the damage. An overcomer is someone who not only survives a bad situation, but rises above it, is healed from it to the point the bad thing in ones past does not control how you start behaving the rest of your life. Hon, you can't find an answer to if the relationship can be saved, until you get the healing you need from the cheatings, learn perhaps what you need to find the right guy or whether you already have the right guy...being 100% sure. You are the one in charge. You are the hiring dept, seeking a new person for the position of boyfriend. Since people usually hire for skills and character above looks, either the new guy has the right skills and character or he doesn't, you know what that looks like. Consistent good behavior is what is going to give you trust in a man, and since you don't have trust in your guy, either he is not consistent and all over the place in his behavior, or he is consistant, trustworthy and exactly does what he always says he will do, or behaves in a way that proves where he stands.
This is extremely long but there is so much to learn at this point, I don't know if you are ready, you either will work on yourself, get yourself mentally and emotionally healthy or you will try for a new relationship again, taking the same relationship killer with you, if you don't deal with it. Yes, its bad those guys cheated. But they never could have cheated on you if they were not your boyfriends. You made a choice, even if subconsciously, to choose to date these guys. Even with Mr. three here, he was so insistent, pressured you until you gave in a dated him. I wish you the best and will help with any extra info you may need and want. Just ask for document 'Finding Mr. Right' to have better success at finding exactly who you want and a recipe for confidence I rewrote from an article I read in a magazine at the Drs. office. Best of luck dear.
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