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Need advice: My boyfriend cheated on me, but doesn't know I know
My boyfriend has cheated on me although we have been together for only 1year I can't believe he did that. His ex-wife of 11 years may she RIP she passed cheated on him when they were together and when we started talking we both told each other that we were not to cheated on each other. But for some reason I had a feeling and I would never have done it but I looked in his phone and he's talking with 2 women and has had sex with one of them. What should I do
P.s he obviously doesn't know that I know
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Dr Stephanie told you that basically, the cheating is a defect in his character.
this reminds me of a story a pastor told regarding sin. how does one tell if someone is sinful when you are not. Well the part that stood out was the comparison to a pretty clay jar with a lid on top. It gets a crack through which vile looking lquid is seeping out slowly. you wipe it off and just think, it must have collected that from brushing up against something. We usually have no thought to check inside and see what might be there. If we checked, we'd see more of this vile liquid. A one time offense is merely a red flag pointing out that there is more of what happening,just waiting inside. So yes, a character fault. What you need to know now is that each human is given free will to do as they wish, either for good, or bad. While having more than one lover/partner is not wrong as in open marriage, swinging or polyamory what is wrdong is not letting ones partner know ahead of entering a relationship what they feel best doing. But people don't share this stuff because they fear not being wanted, rejected and in relationships, it's important to both be on level ground, believing the same things. If you want monogamy, do you really believe you will get that from him, even if you tell him and he says sorry. In dating, there should be no situation requiring sorry if the person is in love with you. I did not say loves you because that doesn't really gauge where their heart is at in relationships. People have preferances in food for example and will say, I love chocolate, I love pizza but its to only express a preference for because you really like something about those things. He may like some aspects of you, but not all. And that is not enough. In love with, means you really care about the welfare of the person you're with. You wish them to always be happy, healthy and in love with you. And if you see tears, you will be worried, and ask if you said or did something to make them unhappy. I have such a relationship with my 2nd husband. In the beginning, I didn;t think to tell him that other than holding hands, or a quick kiss in public, I was not okay with other PDAs such as the pats or grab of butt, or boobs. I do like that, at home in private. So when he did that the first time, I was so upset, I began to cry and seeing that, he asked if he'd done something to hurt me. The good thing here is that he asked, he cared and was worried. I did not tell him not to do it, I didn't go ballistic on him, i simply told him, I hadn't thought I had to make that rule clear in the beginning. He promised it would never happen again now that he knows. And he has kept that promise. The difference is, I gave him another chance only because I never made it clear at the beginning.
It is good that you both started out agreeing to never cheat on each other. Things were made clear so he has no excuse. Looks like he's not interested in serial monogamy which is the term for having sex only with the one woman you date, not many others. And you remain monogamous with her until the relationship ends and then you become monogamous with the next person you are with. I am one for telling the guys after they show interest in a second date, what all my boundaries and rules are. I don't know to what extent you both spoke a year ago, but it should have been made clear what your consequences would be for being cheated on. Women today unintentionally are training men to be lousy bfs and husbands, when the guy does something wrong and has no consequences for it. So ask yourself what you want more, a boyfriend, even if he cheats, or to go single again and look for someone better. The deal here is to always go for someone better than the last. So you have to decide if you want him as he is with these defects because one person can not change another. The desire to change and ability to see they need to change for the better needs to come from within a person. Being a good example is not enough and I tried that with first husband hon, it just won't work. So if you can't change him, you stay and be okay with his having other sex partners, or dating other women at the same time or you end it with him. It's up to you.
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Clearly, you are unhappy and do not find his cheating acceptable, right? Don't you already know what to do?
You can expect that if he is a liar and a cheater, as you have found, that this is a defect in his character and that he will not be trustworthy now or in the future.
I would assume that if this were not to change, and it won't, that you are not up for putting up with this, or for believing anything he tells you in the way of either confession, promises to change, etc.
This is what you can expect to be the case with him, permanently, despite whwatever he may say to the contrary.
So...I'll leave the decision to you. But in the meantime, I strongly recommend that you stop having sex with him and get tested for STD's, immediately, even if you have no symptoms.
Good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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