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I fell in love with my best friend, confessed to her and now I need help. (We're both girls)
(English is not my first language)
Hi. Me and my best friend are both girls, we are both 19 and we both like girls. We've known each other for 5 years now and we were always close since we first met. We just hit it off, you know? We felt this strong connection towards one another like we've never felt before with anyone else. It was a friendship that felt like home. So, we were always close but in 2020 we got closer and that's when I fell for her (it would be weird if I didn't), but I only got the courage to tell her my feelings this year, mostly because this year she is going to go abroad to study in Canada for 2 years and maybe she won't ever come back to our country. And so I told her, I was afraid she would want to stop talking to me, because that's what happens when someone loves you but you don't love them back, right? But she didn't. She said she didn't want to lose me. Even though she doesn't feel the same.We then had this big conversation about it and she told me some things, like how she didn't felt weird at all with my confession, even though she would if any other friend of hers did the same, because the way she felt about me was different, - according to her, our friendship wasn't cold like her other ones, we have an intimacy she doesn't have with anyone else.She told me also that, sometimes, she catches herself thinking of what it would be like to date me and how the idea sounds good to her, (and how the idea of liking any other friend of hers felt weird to her).She said she would like to kiss me. That she is attracted to me but she tries not to think a lot about it because if she does she knows she would end up falling for me, and that's bad because it would hurt her, it would hurt her because she is going away and she can't bare the idea of liking someone who is far from her. (I should also mention that she told me she had a crush on me when we first met but she didn't let that crush grow into something bigger).She said she would let herself fall for me if things were different and that she wishes they were.That conversation left me feeling so confused, because to me it seems like she already likes me, what do you think? Because I don't really know what should I do. I mean, should I keep hope that maybe in the future when we are both settled with our lives we will have the opportunity to be together? Should I give up on her even if I don't want to because she is so special to me? I am so confused right now, any advice is welcomed. Thank you so much.
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First, I am sorry to hear that your closest friend is moving far from you. Life does throw us all sorts of unexpected surprises. I do understand what you mean when you said she is home, to you. That is what my husband and I feel about each other. Being with him, no matter where that is, is home. So if that is the extent of how you both feel. That is going to be hard. I have known women who are lesbians, only once did one think I was gay. I have no problem with any of the gay, transgender and so on. I have also met women who were mostly attracted to women but were bi sexual and also attracted to one man, the one they married. They married men who were okay with their wife needing to keep relationships going with females, as friends, and lovers. That may happen for both of you someday. So keep that in mind and don't worry if it happens. As long as you both have known each other, I don't feel that you both are misinterpreting the feelings. It seems both of you feel the same way but because of the 2 year move for her, she assumes that not allowing yourself to fall for someone is going to change the situation, so she won't hurt. That is something I also understand...having met many guys, looking for 2nd husband, and a better man than my first husband. But I learned of them from on line dating and would move to talking on phone with the ones who sounded okay enough to check out further. I mostly pushed to meet the men in a week or two of learning of them and if it went great, I'd go on another date but at this early stage, did not allow myself to fall for them. It was easy enough as I had not invested much time with them. However you both have much time invested in each other, so it will be hard to keep those feelings submerged. The feelings you both have are not something in your case that you can hide. Maybe like a bad experience, the memories can be buried inside for a while but will eventually come to the surface and eat away at you. There is a danger that when you both are apart for 2 years, that not having the person who is 'home' to you, can weaken the feelings. Before meeting my husband, I did see a man who for unseen circumstances, had to break it off with me. When I saw him again in 3 years, I still found him a special person but the feelings were gone. So being apart for a while can do that. The only way you can do something that might help is using internet, phones, texting, face chat and such to keep in touch and try to send a line or two even if too busy to talk. The studies she may have times that she can't talk long. Maybe for birthdays, and other special days, send each other a small surprise package, and it can be inexpensive items but meaningful. Thats about the best you can do. Before she decides to stay in Canada after finishing school, it would be best if she flew back to visit you and see how you both feel. If the feelings have diminished or stayed strong, is what you look for. I know you can't imagine it now, I certainly didn't think it could happen as strongly as I felt. But now looking back, the other guy could not have felt like home to me. He was a great guy but when I met my husband, we both knew instantly that we wanted to marry and the feeling of home came to us after about 2 years. I hope it all turns out for you two.
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