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Saying "maybe" to boyfriend's proposal
My boyfriend Drew proposed marriage on a romantic camping trip about 2 months ago. I panicked and said I would have to “think about it.” He was gracious and said he would keep the ring in his pocket until I was ready to decide and said he respected my need to consider my options.
Even though he was classy about it, I felt rotten to see the totally crushed look on his face when he obviously thought I would say “yes” immediately. He tried to be brave and composed but you can just tell it was like I had mortally wounded him.
He has been somewhat depressed ever since, even though he tries to hide it and act upbeat and positive on the surface. He smiles and laughs sometimes, but it is a forced laugh and there is a sadness in his eyes like his dreams are dying. He is much quieter than normal. He does not know but I have watched him break down crying in his truck before he heads home some nights. I am not sure how I expect him to act under the circumstances, but I do feel guilty seeing him this way and I feel like I am torturing him with my own doubt.
We also have not had sex since then even though he previously was up for that every night of the week (and we were usually very active after the kids went to bed and before he went home for the night). When I have tried to initiate recently in ways he has always eagerly responded to in the past, he says he has to go and heads home early. I cannot blame him for not being in the mood.
At the same time, feeling bad for him and missing sex with him are not good reasons I think to say “yes” to marriage when I am not sure. Also, the more pressure I feel to say “yes” the more I feel panicked and rushed and want to hesitate.
In truth, he is a legitimate catch. He would be a great husband and an amazing father. We are all going to church again because of his influence. He may never be wealthy, but he loves his job as a conservation officer and will be a good provider. He is sexy, both in his uniform and out. If anything, I am a little intimidated by his level of fitness compared to my mom bod. He literally built a single room log cabin by hand on some land his parents gave him with nothing but axes and hand tools. He actually lives there. I am no fan of the outhouse, but he promised to have a proper home with plumbing and electricity built on the same property if we ever became a family.
There is an age difference with him at 26 and me at 32. Emotionally, he can be silly at times, but is usually very mature and responsible. He is actually calmer than me in a crisis. In appearance, he has that boyish clean-cut look that makes him look even younger but I would not change him – like a young Tom Cruise if he were taller, freckle faced, and not so arrogant. He tried to grow a beard and we both agreed it was not his look.
My two children adore him (daughter 8, son 6). He can be a big goofy playmate and makes them laugh constantly. It is a competition for his attention when he visits here for dinner and playtime every night of the week. He dreams up activities for us as a group most weekends. And yet, when he turns on the “dad voice” as I call it, they actually listen and behave. I think my late husband would have liked him. He honors the memory of their father by going to the cemetery with us and asks questions which seem to draw out happy memories from me and the children. The children are very attached to him already and I think he is attached to them.
I love him and he has told me he loves me, and he shows it in so many ways. I could share so many stories about how he made me feel safe, protected, loved, and cherished. He knows where to find the most amazing wild flowers and knows all their names and makes me a fresh bouquet randomly. He will text me the most amazing wildlife pictures during his workday. He failed to hang up his cell one day and I overheard him gushing about me to his supervisor and other officers and they teased him and told him he was “whipped” and he just said “yeah I guess so” but he was so sincere and I was embarrassed to tell him I listened. I am not 100 percent sure why I have hesitated and am still hesitating.
My parents think I should have said “yes” and are gently pressuring me to give him an answer. He asked for and got their permission before asking so they are in the loop. They support me either way, but are definitely on Team Drew. Thankfully the kids do not know or I would never hear the end of it.
So, I tried to make a list of negatives and this is what I came up with:
1. It has been three years since my late husband passed. Drew and I started dating one year ago. I think this was too soon maybe. I now worry about what others may think about me getting remarried -- especially the parents of my late husband who are both still alive. For what it is worth, they seem to like Drew because the kids rave about him. It does not hurt that Drew actually cut down and removed a dead tree that was about to fall on their house. They may be on Team Drew as well, but I just don’t want them to think their son is replaceable.
2. Drew is into hunting,fishing, and firearms and I don’t care for any of that. My son wants to learn about all that stuff now and I am not sure how I feel about that. Drew can teach him safety and actually does safety classes for the public, but I worry about having guns in the home and just have a negative feeling about guns. Drew always secures his weapon in a gun safe in his truck when he come in our home out of respect for my feelings on this. Also, I do know Drew loves animals and has risked injury to save wild animals more than once. He enjoys hunting, but also catches hunters who break the rules.
3. Drew can go too far with big gestures. I left him to babysit the kids one weekend when I had to travel for work and I come home to find he purchased lumber, shingles, and carpeting and built a tree house for the kids in our back yard. One of the neighbors complained to me later about the construction noise. Drew was clueless why I was so mad and explained he and the children waited to paint it so I could pick the color as if that made it okay. He did apologize later. I guess it was sweet, but it was way over the top.
4. Drew wants to have more children. I am still of age and healthy but not sure I want to go through that again in my 30’s. I am also not sure I want to have more children and I worry how that will make the kids feel to have brothers or sisters by a new father.
5. Drew is sort of a neat freak and I think he would take over the household. He is always organizing my cabinets, pantry, refrigerator, and garage and he does not even live here. I know he is just trying to do nice things but I don’t think the pantry has to look like a grocery store organized in sections with everything facing front. He also refolds my towels in my linen closet because he says I do it wrong. He thinks he is being funny, but it can be annoying.
6. Drew sometimes oversteps his role into parenting when he is still just a boyfriend and not even a step-parent. The other day my daughter was cleaning her bathroom and I asked why and she said Drew showed her how and assigned it to her as a chore and was paying her an allowance to do it to help me out. My son complained about not being able to play on his tablet and I asked why and he told me Drew had grounded him for using a bad word. When I got angry he actually defended Drew for punishing him saying he said the word just to see what Drew would do. Drew should have asked me about these things before doing them as I am the actual parent.
7. We also have political differences which I never thought would matter but it seems like they do. Drew is Team Red and I am Team Blue as he puts it. He has me using that word “team” for everything it seems including the Team Drew thing I came up with for this letter. I just realized that. He is not a Trump zombie, but he is hyper patriotic, gets emotional talking about injured veterans, is fixated on traditional gender roles, and a real defender of law enforcement. Some things I actually think we agree on (like protecting the environment). He gets furious about people polluting wildlife areas. He is very respectful about our differences. He is the first person I ever dated, however, that did not share my basic political views and I am not sure how we will handle it. He does not seem worried about it though. He is also very easily distracted by my flirting which is funny and he just loses his train of thought if we were having a discussion. It is my secret weapon on winning arguments for now. I just fear it will be a powder keg some day.
As I read my own list, it is confusing because I am like praising him on each negative point and it does not seem that horrible. I don’t want anyone who reads this to think badly about him because he is so wonderful and special in many ways. Am I being irrational? Am I ruining something really good by hesitating and worrying because it is not perfect and without risk? Should I say “yes” and join Team Drew like everyone else in my life? Am I just hunting for reasons to say no? Do any of my reasons make sense? Please tell me if they do. Are there red flags I need to just respect and say “no” to him? How do I break it to the kids if Drew and I break up because I refuse to get married? If I decided to say “yes,” how do I break the ice with Drew after making him wait for two long months with no answer? What if he has changed his mind?
Thank you for any comments or input.
Signed, Nervous Mom and Girlfriend
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Hello there. Yes, it is long, but I tend to be long winded myself because I want to explain in details to people, not just make a statement that might be misinterpreted.
You are not irrational. You are simply without a plan on finding the right guy while at the same time being able to describe yourself fully and clearly. I believe I heard during prayer what to do, once I was single again, but wanting to find a guy to marry as I am too social to be happy alone. So I put the instructions in a document and will paste it in here. It is titled, "Finding Mr. Right" and is written mostly from the point of view of a woman looking for a man. You have one but not sure if he's right for you. If you follow the instructions, you should end up being sure. Yes, he has many good points. The bad points of going over your head on parenting, not planning together as a couple for the building of a playhouse for the kids is probably not meant by him to bother you, and he sees no problem because he is not yet 30 or older and doesn't have as much relationship experience. Maybe he is modeling his Dad who did such things for Mom or with Mom but they were married, and he may not be seeing how that makes a difference. Some talk that clears things up is much needed but not until you know for sure what you need in a guy.
Basically, you will need to go at this, forgetting about what you do know about him and make your list of what is important to you. You will need to act as your own HR department which is hiring for the position of boyfriend/husband and coming up with needed criteria for the applicant to have to get the job. It may sound mechanical, but it is the smartest way to get rid of the hesitations or doubts. I will paste in the document now and please write to me directly by going to the list of advice givers, finding me 'dragonflymagic' and asking more questions on the process or to run by your list so I can see if there is anything else you may have forgotten to list.
How to find Mr. Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be 'I want a guy who wants to have kids' or 'I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry','I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief', 'I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.' “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user.”
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
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Your situation deserves a thoughtful and considered reply. However,you wrote a great deal, and it is more than most, which is a lot to wade through and may be why you are not receiving any answers. You are seeking answers that only you can supply. My suggestion is twofold:
1) for receiving advice here, see if you can cut it down to several brief questions, based upon brief, (BRIEF!)information you have given. and 2) consider seeking counseling with a qualified, licensed marriage counselor, who will probably suggest that the two of you come in together for premarital counseling. Ultimately, no one can decide for you, and you must work through the tangle of concerns and questions for yourself. It may help if you make some lists and give each item a value on a scale of one to ten points, then totaling up the points. Make a list of pros and cons about marrying him. Make another list about not marrying him. It may help you sort out how you feel and give you a direction. Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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