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im stuck living with my narcissistic mother
I'm 23 years old and still live with my parents.
I don't have a job at the moment & am unable to financially support myself until I do. Following that, I have various mental illness including a decade long eating disorder (my weight is currently sitting at 85 lbs) making it extremely difficult to function physically and mentally. I've been diagnosed with ADHD since childhood and I am struggling to go out to places without someone with me, usually my mother. I can't drive alone, but I have a license.
Though not diagnosed, I believe I have some form of paranoia as well. For example, if I'm at the mall and my mother says she has to go to the bathroom. After a couple of minutes being alone, the intense feeling of fear that my mother has suddenly disappeared into oblivion will occur. It's illogical, but somehow my brain convinces me it.
Another example is I was at the Russian airport waiting to board, and my cousin and mother tell me to wait by the luggages as they search for coffee. I agree to stay put. After ten minutes of them being gone, the intense fear begins to burn a hole in me. My heart sinks, starts beating faster. I start having a full fledged panic attack. I didn't have service to call either of them either, so that added to the worry. I ask a woman sitting next to me to watch the luggage. I begin sprinting across one side of the airport to the other, as I'm experiencing the worst panic attack of my life. Eventually I head back after not being able to find them and a little bit after that, they of course, make it back.
I found that I have a deep phobia of losing my mother... so deep that I have her location turned on and check it frequently to see where she is (she doesn't know, but Its comforting to know where she's at).
Anyway, because of my inability to take care of myself as a 23 year old, my mother is used as a handicap, which of course I don't love. I want to be able to live alone, have a job, go to college. But it's incredibly difficult to break out from this. Not only that, but my mother is a full fledged narcissist. She'll gaslight, scream, and sometimes put her hands on me every single time we argue... which is often. She's abusive and will verbally insult me when she's mad at me... calling me "retarded", lazy, a nobody, good for nothing, piece of shit, how she wishes I was dead, how she wishes I had a life worse than hers, and the list goes on. Even when I try defending myself from her when she puts her hands on me, she'll get mad that I do.
Obviously, I dont want to continue living like this. In fact, I dont want to keep living with my abusive mother. But since she still does a lot for me, it's hard to grow as a person.
I don't know where to start... where do I start escaping this depressing, miserable life of mine? How do I successfully cut off my mother if im so used to her help? Someone please help me.
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I am so glad that you are reaching out for much needed help. You MUST get into therapy, you cannot do this by yourself and your entire future life is at stake. You didn't say where you live, but most communities have counseling available . If you have insurance , you can ask them for a referral. You should seek someone who specializes in eating disorders; although there are other issues to address, certainly, this one can be life threatening. If you haven't got insurance, or cannot pay for therapy , there are sliding fee scale clinics and most likely, one will be where you live. Check with your local library in the reference section for a Directory of Helping Services. Or, go on line and seek sliding scale counselors or therapy. Again, you MUST do this, and with the guidance and support of a qualified therapist, one you feel comfortable with, you will be able to free yourself and aim for the independent life you so deserve. Good luck and good wishes, and yes, if you have a choice, pick a therapist who is the same gender as the parent you get along with best, which apparently will not be your mother. Good wishes, Dr.Stephanie
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Contact your local dept for health and welfare. Its the place where people go for help with food stamps, or some money to help with bills. But they also have advocates for those adults with mental disorders, and can help. I used to do caregiving for a few people who struggle with mental health. Since there is likely no money to pay for something like an adult home where others who can not function by theirselves live, DSHS may be able to set you up in a state paid adult home. This way, there is at least one if not more adults to help those who live there.
Secondly, you may want this advocate to help you get hooked up with a therapist/counselor who can really help you. Trust me, I have some people in family who need counseling and resisted and their lives are messed up. So I know a bit here. From research, it sounds like CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will help you. this therapy work with how your mind and thought are taking you down these dark roads. Don't feel there is something wrong, like you're crazy or broken. That is not so. This twisted thinking is something every human is capable of doing and most will indulge in for short bits of time. However a good majority know when to stop dwelling on a bad thought. It can be learned if you don't know how. I am talking of all the looky-loos who pass an accident on the freeway, who slow to look. Whatever damage they see, and I have done it too, I immediately end up imagining what if it happened to me. Would I be conscious to call for help or would a passer by, call for help. Would I be dead, injured, maimed for life, etc. The more I think, the more this story in my head gets fed until I finally realize what I am doing and say, enough of this and my mind is instantly released from the thoughts and the worry or emotions that comes along with ones thoughts. Since cognitive means your thinking with your brain, it is here people must focus to get better. I know this all sounds overwhelming so it is best you find someone, a neighbor or a friend who can take you to your local office of health and welfare. Or you might just ask someone to help you find a number and address for them. Don't ask Mom. She will not do anything to lose the person she dumps on...you. She won't want to see you set up on your own. You will also meet other people with disabilities. I took one woman to such meetings as she couldn't drive due to possible seizures as well as a damaged mind due to HER Mom taking drugs while this person was in utero as a fetus. If you do not wish to be alone, I am sure that a home for disabled adults might be the best thing for you. If you want to work part time, they can also help with that. You will have another advocate who helps find jobs that disabled people mentally or physicallty and goes with you to act as the go-between to help you get the job and when you have problems on the job. Perhaps you will be okayed to live on your own, yes even with some disabilities, and be allowed a caregiver who can take you to any places you need to travel to, groceries,Dr. appts and such. Good luck!
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