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My son got a DNA test kit for Christmas that he does not want to do
My mother in law gave my 15 yr old son a DNA test kit for Christmas, and she asked him if he sent it in yet. She also wants to manage the account once its sent in. He wants to give the kit back to her, but my husband is upset that he doesn't want to do it, that it cost $70 and he thinks 'whats the big deal'? I personally think that if he doesn't want to do it, its his perogative AND its his DNA to which he shouldn't be bullied into giving if he doesn't want to. This is causing stress because of our disagreement but I do not want my son to be bullied into doing something he doesn't want to do just to please my husbands mother. And she will be upset and that is how she usually gets her way.
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The big clue here is that your Mother in Law "gets upset when she doesn't get her way"? So how long and for how much are you each willing to give in and allow this to continue dominating your lives, your choices, your privacy, and more?
If your husband won't support either you or your son, this makes it more difficult, of course. But I agree with you that your son should have a choice and if he doesn't wish to use the DNA test, so be it.
Its a rather odd gift to begin with. Whether he returns the gift or not should also be his choice. Any time someone gives you a gift, its up to you to do with it as you choose. He could either return it, donate it somewhere, give it to someone who would really like it, or just stow it away. Or even dispose of it.
It sounds to me as if standing up to the mother in law is long, LONG overdue. I would simply inform her as follows: "Thank you for your gift, but unfortunately, our son doesn't feel comfortable or wish to use it. We can return it, if you wish, so you can use it as you choose. I understand that you might not be happy about this, but unfortunately, this is his choice and I support him in whatever he wants to do."
Then let her blow up, scream, cry, whatever she does to manipulate you and your family, as she has done for so long.
You may alienate her, ....so what? You may get flack from your husband, again, so what? Decide if its worth it to you to put a stop to her dominating manipulations. Or not. Good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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Our teen years are times of learning how to spread our wings and decide what we want to do, what we really like and don't like and to be able to make that clear to others and respected as if we were adults. The question to your husband and his mom is whether they feel they are able to allow his to choose what he wants and doesn't want.
If I recieved a DNA kit as a Christmas gift, I would not consider that a real gift, no matter what my age and I am now 63. Its the same as getting a piece of paper that says I have a star named after me. Big whoopie! No, not really. Grandma may be older and thinking its a good thing to do a DNA test and for the family be able to even get together a family tree as far back as possible, many generations as a gift to the family to have when she is gone. This is a thing to do, not a gift. I know how hard it is to figure out what to give teen grandkids and even young adult nieces nephews and I probably can't afford what they really want. The best gift though it sounds hoaky, is giving cash. If everyone gave a teen cash, the collection may come close to what they really want for themselves but no one person could afford alone. Now I understand why my Dad started giving us cash for Christmas when we got older. LOL. I wonder if your husband has really thought this out and has any real opinions of his own or is simply siding with his own Mother because he doesn't want to see her upset. Even if it was your Mother who gave a DNA test to a teen, it still wouldn't be alright. You know your mom would be upset perhaps, or a little disappointed but gee whiz, people seem to be forgetting manners and such. There's nothing wrong with her idea of paying for the family to recieve and send in DNA kits. After all, thats all the reward or gift she wants, and as long as it is a family project and not tied to a Birthday, Graduation or Christmas gift, there is no reason why all the members of your family including your teen, can't send theirs in. Its something they can do to make Mom/Grandma happy. And she doesn't ask much.
Here is how it should have gone and your son may want to use this in a talk with grandma, if living close, then in person, with you there, not husband, so I imagine you may have to keep it secret from him until after it happens so he can't stop it. Now if grandma really wanted his DNA sent in, and it is his choice, she could have told him it would make her happy and be all the Christmas gift she needs if all her family participated in DNA testing which she is paying for, so it's only if you want to help. And by the way, would you like a surprise gift for Christmas or would cash be better. If your teen is like mine were as teens, hanging at the mall is great, having money to spend at the mall is even better. So I would guess the best thing is to have a private talk first with your son. Get details. Was he dissapointed when he saw the DNA kit as a present to him? Because he might feel cheated out of a gift, things much more important to us all when we are younger. By time I was a Mom of grade school kids, I no longer cared about getting gifts, I was more into creating the cake and decor and games for themed Birthday party, like super hero party, or princess party, sesame street themed, and once a child wanted a frog themed party. Getting to go out for dinner for my Birthday is celebration enough. It may be grandma's getting too old to even realize the silly error she made. If he feels cheated out of a Christmas gift, he needs her to understand how it made him feel. Not the part abbout giving a sample of his DNA, but the fact it was the only thing he recieved from Grandma. I am correct here? She only gave him that, not two gifts, like a real gift and the DNA kit. If he did recieve a real gift, then you need to discover why he is against doing the DNA and he needs to be able to explain that to grandma. A good excuse is that agewise, he isn't interested yet in ancestry and such but may be ready in 20 years. I think its when you're a parent you start to care about family history. My parents grew up in war time Germany. When I was young, they told me so many stories, I would pretend to listen, but wasn't really interested and later when I was, they didn't want to tell the stories.
So it could be an age thing for your son. However, if this is a gift for grandma, not from grandma, he may need to be reminded that since she is older, anything could happen as her body wears out, and once gone, she can't enjoy seeing the results of the test. It is Her gift to herself. So son has to decide whether to forgive her for her judgement error, and consider he did not recieve a gift, only something she wanted him to help give to her. It may be hard, but heres a lesson to learn how to be an adult about it. He could say to grandma, I don't consider this a gift to me from you, but a thing from you meant to be gift from me. Think about it Grandma, this interests you. I am much younger and stuff like this is not important or interesting to you. You weren't interested in DNA and your ancestral heritage when you were a teen, cus if you were back then, you'd already have it all except for DNA of my Mom and Dad and me. You got interested in and found this important as you got older. Forcing it as a gift on me which I get some info back, when I didnt care about it in the first place, it means the the info is the gift. It also means the info if for you Grandma. If you had just asked our family to all participate and told us you're paying for it and our giving our DNA was gift enough for you, then when Christmas came, you could give me a gift that is truly for me. This is why I have refused to do anything about it. This talk is more important. You need to know how I felt getting the kit as my "Christmas gift" Basically something like that needs to be said, but in a friendly, loving tone so she knows you all still love her. I would hope she is open to improving and getting things better even though she's older. If my kids are correcting me about something, maybe about technology that is over my head often, or something like that, I am open to admitting I was wrong or doing something wrong, laugh about it and let them show me how to do something. A person should be able to recieve info, comments and be able to learn from it. When we graduate school, we enter the life in the world, and our learning doesn't stop when we graduate, it continues our entire life, as long as we don't reach a place where we think its not important to correct our actions, and learn by our mistakes. If I were honest, I would say, gifts don't need to be given to show you love someone. After all, there is a book that teaches about "the Five Love languages" and thats the title. One of those five is giving of gifts. But there are four more. Giving someone your full attention, being present for them, is one of the gifts. SO I hope you understand my view. When it comes to life or death,we want all our loved ones to live rather than die. Do we give them the best gift we can, showing them love in a way that they will understand and want to receive, so it may not be a gift, It might being the giving of compliments, supportive talks which can take some imagination to turn into the perfect gift.
So it is ultimately your sons choice to participate or not. Like any gift that is disliked, you pretend to like it, then give it away, throw it away, sell it in a yard sale, donate to a second hand store. Adults do that all the time. Why cant your son (not telling you but what you can tell husband)have the same choice to decide whether to keep the gift or throw it away. People do that all the time. I just happen to agree here, that though her idea was good, it was timed wrong and should have been separate from Christmas.
I think she definitely didn't think this out. If she ordered the kits and paid for right before Christmas, she would not be able to get any other present or a lame one like a box of candy canes, or a mug. It truly would have been better if she did this for herself, after asking each of your family if they would give DNA in a kit. Then she orders it in the Spring, or ever Summer or Fall, as long as she can give a regular gift for Christmas. I think if you and son had a good talk with her, it could help if she is open to correction. If I had done what she did, and was called out on it by my child or grandchild, if they have a point, i see it, but now have to admit I was wrong (Whaat, at my age? older people are never wrong- ha ha) I would admit that I didn't realize at the time, what I was doing but see so now and want to make things right. Maybe I'd make a agreement to give them a bigger Birthday present to make up for Christmas. That way if you
are not all born the same month, I would be spending the big amounts spread out, not all at once. But the world isn't perfect, people can be stubborn and stuck to only their viewpoint, not accepting of others. You can only try your best, and pray, pray for her to be open to loving Criticism, and the truth. Your son saying nothing and don't as Dad wants, robs your son of the opportunity to having a loving or polite, caring conversation with another person, with a topic that is controversial. I am positive that at least once in his adult life he will need to be honest with someone especially if it affects him or others in a not so good way. Having ones teen able to learn something they will use the experience of doing again that day, will be helpful. Even if grandma gets angry and doesn't like whats said, thats her opinion, and many times in life he will encounter people who are dead wrong and they need to be corrected with compassion. This should be only one of many such opportunities for your son. But if not, and this is the only one, better that the chance was taken. In whatever words you both use, she needs to hear compassion, you understanding how important this is to her, if she had asked you to do this any time except for (mention Christmas and any other occasions you want as exceptions. Hopefully as will go well. If not, just hang in there, I was through something like this with my Mom, Dad and one sister all making up stories about me which the others believed and they stopped talking to me for 6 or more months. Later when willing to talk again,they never mentioned the cold shoulder, never apologized and I didn't expect that. If it happens to you, and generally, your husband is good to you, then wait out the storm with your son until your husband and MIL give up on the cold shoulder and talk again. Be brave!
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Find out why he doesn't want to do it and honour his wishes. Your husband is a grown man who has always bowed down to whatever his mother asks him to do right or wrong for everyone else as a whole. This is his problem not yours.
You don't have to go along with his mother's demands nor apologize or make excuses for you or your son. If your husband gets snarly about this so be it. Don't let either of them get their way. Quite frankly, it was an inappropriate gift that she should have asked first before giving.
The fact she wants to manage the account and results means she's nosy and curious but also has some kind of motive for doing so and giving said gift. Your son has to tell his grandmother "Thank you for your gift. I appreciate the effort you put in to get it for me. I don't feel comfortable doing it because X,Y, Z." Have him offer to give her the money back and give her the kit so she can re-gift to someone else. If she gets her nose out of joint it's not his, yours or your husbands fault. It will blow over but if you don't take a stand here she will walk all over you for the rest of her life and yours. Your husband can choose to put up with this behaviour which is boorish but that doesn't mean you nor her grandson have to either to save face. There's a bigger issue here than an inappropriate gift to be dealt with and your husband doesn't have it in him to tell his mother where the line is. He can't keep giving her her way all the time. He has to grow up a little. You can't be afraid of offending people in this life. They'll always find something that will and it's not necessarily on the other person to own it.
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