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Single child problem
Hi there, I need help to understand my parent's psychology in a non-biased way, thus writing my problem here. Being a single child was not an issue for me and my parents while growing up. They provided me with every possible things they could afford. They taught me to dream big, to have a career and to have a mind of my own. They used to be rational in every ways. But after my marriage and my coming to abroad to live with my husband changed everything back home. My parents got so insecure that they gave me constant worries and stresses about things back home which are not anymore under my controls. They started guilt tripping me in innocuous ways for getting married and going far away from them. Whenever they see a neighbor kid or my cousins to stay with or near their parents and helping their parents both being physically and financially present, they start to regret their decision of sending me away for my higher education and my marrying and coming abroad. Though I did not get married without their blessings and against their wish but now they pretend like I am a selfish kid for not being present by them in their old age (mom is 56 and dad is 64). Even if I want to go back to them, my hometown is in a very remote place where I can't find any suitable job. They know there's nothing for me. I got myself enrolled in a PhD program in Europe but now my dad doesn't happily want me to pursue it and they actually want me to go back to my country and find a government job there, which is not that easy (but they seem to not understand the fact that government jobs in India are very competitive nowadays and very difficult to get) and also I am not interested in Govt jobs whatsoever. But as my dad was an ex govt employee that too in a high rank post, they want me to choose that career path and stay near them. I feel so demotivated and selfish for not abide by their wishes and leaving them alone. But I can't see myself as a govt officer either in my future. I want to be a researcher and pursue science. But with constant pulling down I can't concentrate in my research with my heart and soul. I always keep wondering if I am making any mistake by opting to a PhD and not trying to be a govt officer as my parents want and if I am being selfish to leave them alone to pursue my dream. Although, my husband supports my dream and he is even ready to sacrifice 3-4years of our lives to long distance so that I can finish my PhD. Also, he can't go back to my hometown as there's nothing for him as well. But he is trying to go back to India and I also plan to find a job there after my PhD. But my parents are growing impatient and feeling insecure so they are not actively encouraging me on my career decision out of their worries. Kindly suggest what should I do while considering the fact that I come from an Indian traditional middle-class family where staying close to your parents and helping them in their old age to get by are the norms. Thank you.
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It is sad that there's a conflict between the world you are building for yourself and your husband, and the needs and wants of your aging parents. They are not THAT old, by the way, and unless they are ill or infirm in some way, I can assume they are still self sufficient for the time being?
It is not only your cultural norm, but also a universal one, that adult children have some responsibility to care for their parents in their old age. Its understandable. And you being the only child means it falls upon your shoulders only.
It would seem that there is no way to fully resolve this so that everyone can have their needs and wishes fulfilled. Instead, might there be a compromise you can work out? I'd like to see you be able to fulfill your own dreams and plans, and not sacrifice them all for the sake of your parents' well being. But in addition, might there be some way you can continue to be present and supportive of them, as needed, while still following your own needs and dreams?
Perhaps you and your husband cannot completely fill their wishes by , for example, returning to India and living near them. But you might, instead, plan on frequently visiting them, making sure they are all right, finding supportive resources as needed, such as senior social services. You can always be there for backup, in the event of an emergency or special need, but you also have your own life and that of your husband, to live.
In the end, you must make your own way in the world. Someone once said that the goal of being good parents is to give your child wings, and to teach them how to fly. Its good that you have become the bird that can fly. Now, its up to your parents to proudly watch you do so.
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I don't see that there is any compromise that can be made, no meeting of wishes in the middle so that you and the parents get just part of what they wished. This is the same as a young wife wanting children and husband doesn't want any. There is no compromise because you either are pregnant or not, there is no half way pregnant or half a child. Your parents are counting on tradition to get themselves taken care of as they age. However they really were not planning well in having one child and expecting that one child to carry the entire burden of their care. What if you had died somehow in the past. I know the odds of that are probably low, but with only one child born, they would then have no other children to take care of them. Perhaps they felt they could not afford more children. I am not familiar with India and the cost of living or traditions. But if the economy is bad so that a person must choose being tight on money while raising children and having plenty of children to take care of them later to choosing one or no children, saving up and having a comfortable old age, then that is the only choice. They made theirs. One child. They gave as much as they good into the raising of you. But I know here that children do not owe their parents anything. They did not ask to be born. Thats like deciding on adopting a pet, only to expect it when older to clean up after itself, bring home dinner, and so on. When some people get older, reasoning leaves them around the same time their short term memory gives them trouble. They have difficulty seeing the whole picture. They may be thinking all day about how to survive during old age, but they are not coming up with multiple plans that could work. They have chosen in their minds, only the answer they are stuck on, one that is not good for you. I am guessing you are working your way through school. Either way, the commitment was made, so you must continue. You have explained the lack of jobs and the hardship of getting into government jobs. So you have no choice but to get your degree. If you can't find work after graduating, in your home area, you may have to move for a job, across country, to maybe another country. That would be something you and the husband decide. You are an adult, and younger so able to think clearly. I had a situation I had to make, leaving and divorcing my husband and heard others saying it was selfish...the part you are stuck on. I had a friend tell me that it is not a selfish thing to tend to your own needs first, so that you can be a happy, whole, unstressed person, perfectly able to help other people. There is now a popular ad by airlines telling parents that if the oxygen masks come down and you need to put them on, to put theirs on first before helping to put them on their children. Without giving much thought to it, I can understand some people reacting with how selfish it is to take care of yourself first. However, if in getting the kids masks on first but you are getting groggy, foggy headed and having difficulty putting yours on, you are likely to pass out due to lack of oxygen. And there sit your kids screaming and panicking because you have passed out and they don't know how to help you. This one instruction from Airlines, shows that it is not a selfish act for parents to put their mask on first before doing the ones for their children. So now your parents are trying to play the guilt game with you, probably because they see in you plenty of determination to make something of yourself, with college, deciding to marry. And that scares them that they are losing you and what they had hoped would be their retirement care. That is a lot of expectation put on the shoulders of one child. They never thought ahead to what if they lost you, car accidents can happen, or getting a major illness that eventually takes your life. What was plan B for them, or plan C? They got stuck on their one plan, plan A. It is not selfish to take care of following your plans first so that it is easier for you to help them later. They are selfish to expect help from you right this moment. You have to concentrate on schooling, get your degree, then find a job, before you and your husband can even form a plan as to how to take care of them. Will you two also be taking care of his parents?; Thats like a young couple instantly having 4 adult children to take care of. Maybe its a necessity in India. Though we have the poor here too, children are not expected to fully support their parents. And there are plenty of poor people here too, though I am sure the news would not dream of showing the growing numbers of homeless people living out of tents or worse. There are now people who live out of their vehicles as its all they can afford. That would be me. I am a year younger than your Dad, just started collecting unemployment checks from government. But what I get monthly will not ever pay for the cost of renting somewhere. My entire pay will only cover a part of rent with no money left for other bills, gas, cell phone, food, clothing and much more. I am not expecting my children to help me out when they are in just as bad shape financially. If one child excells in new job and earns more than my ex and I earned together while raising the kids, then if I have unexpected needs like car repair and saved money is not enough, I would probably ask for their help with such a bill, not with daily care, like a place to live, food to eat, clothes on my back, the same things they were expected to give you as a child. I hope you can go on, knowing it is not selfish. Even going to school abroad is a good way to broaden what you know about another country, customs elsewhere. I do not know about colleges in India, but I would suppose that studying for certain degrees, there may be a better program elsewhere than a community college so you can be closer to parents in location and getting a low pay job and struggling to support yourself and husband, while also supporting parents on a lesser paying job where the money runs out before the end of the month and you all go hungry, they can't get their medication, maybe you all become homeless. So at some point, you'll have to have the conversation, letting them know you do plan to take care of them and that you are working for a degree so that you can help care for them. If they want you to give up your plans right now and if you decided to listen to them, they can not expect a comfortable life in their old age if you don't have enough money to care for them unless you work 3 jobs and have no time to sleep or eat and eventually fall ill, and die. Who will care for them then? This is what someone needs to tell them to wake them up a bit and realize that asking you to cancel your plans is like agreeing to be poor and maybe worse off than poor. Is that the kind of older years they imagined? No matter how they may try to argue, you simply say, "Well, all I can say is that I must respectfully disagree with you, even though you are my parents. " If there is no written Laws and rules on children must care for older parents, in India, then you are not legally bond to do it. If you help at all, it will be out of the goodness of your heart and the wanting to follow the age old customs. I am sure you will see others your age, not taking care of parents. Just because others take care or not, doesn't mean you have to do the same. Most of this will all have to be discussed with your husband and both make a decision together since I am sure one day, some of his earnings will be helping to support them. However, this doesn't mean they are millionaires living in a fancy hotel that will give them whatever they want, except at a cost.
It is already hard enough you and hubby are separated during your schooling, but you both made that decision so I hope it works out for you. I know its hard on military people being away from their mate even for a couple months and being separated by miles can take its toll on a marriage, but several years for you both? Thats hard. You'll have to work real hard at keeping closeness and contact over the computer or phone. Normally, most long distance relationships don't work when its two people who have never met in person. You two have a history in person. You both know you are a good match which is hard to do over the computer. I met my second husband that way. But after a week of talking, we met in person because we only looked in our immediate area. Not across country or the world. Take care of yourself and your husband first and then the parents. I would expect the same of a son or daughter, to pay their rent first rather than give me the help with my car repair first. That can wait. Any other way means they can run behind in bills, have unexpected emergencies of their own and all of a sudden find themselves with no place to live. And how can a homeless child help their aging parents. I hope you see this from a smarter angle. You have to take care of getting yourself ready to take on the responsibilty of them, not be thrown into it and expected to flourish.
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