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My brother's relationship is breaking our family.
I am from south Asia. My family (Mom, Dad, Bro and me) have always been close knit. That is until my bro left for college. He graduated at the bottom of his course(despite being excellent at school) and also informed us that he had started dating a girl 6 years older than him. My parents were upset at both these news but I consoled them saying that this was normal in today's times and that age was just a number. My brother joined the same well-paying organization as my father. Then one day he announced that he had broken up with that girl. He was quite furious and I listened to him vent. Then a few months later he announced that he was back with that girl. Their relationship has been long distance from the beginning where they meet every few months and spend a week in a hotel. My parents were not happy that my 23y.o bro was spending his holidays in hotels with her but they still let it slide. We were thinking that, just like his previous relationships this one would also not last. Apart from the fact that she was older, my parents did not really like her because she seemed suspicious. Also my bro has a history of being super trusting of anyone who comes his way. For eg: Bro once told us that he had not visited her workplace cuz she said that it can only be accessed by helicopters(?!). She goes on a lot of international trips with her boss and has bought purses and heels worth 2 month salary of my bro each. She also buys him a lot of expensive gifts. When I asked how she could afford all this, bro said that her company card allows her to buy all that. (she's a secretary to the boss)(I dont know if companies allow such lavish personal expenditure on their card). When our older cousin sis asked to be friends with her on insta (so she could know her better), she refused the request saying that she is not interested in involving other people.(this cousin has been a wise listening ear for my bro and gives good advise since she has also been through bad relationships).
Suddenly one day bro's gf demanded that he make his parents talk with her as a 'guarantee' for the relationship. She apparently threatened to leave him and marry someone else if he did not. It took a lot of coaxing and angry rants for my parents to relent. My mom wished her happy b'day on the phone. Later we got to know that the gf had taken offense to the line 'wish you happiness wherever you go' said by my mum. All through this, I have stood on my bro's side, cleaning up his mess, getting my parents to understand him. But when he came home for holidays, he spoke condescendingly to me. No thanks for helping him gloss over his mistakes or giving him advise. This has made me realize that he has only ever approached me when he wants someone to clean up his mess, or wants some sort of favor. I have stopped speaking to him.
My parents have never met his gf and she is not discussed much, that is, until now. 10 Days after my bro turned 25, he called us and told us that the girls parents wanted to speak to us. Getting the parents involved is a sign of 'marriage'. The timing of this call irked us because, in our culture, a guy younger than 25 is considered too young for marriage (and a girl over 30 is considered too old). My parents did not want to talk because they did not want my bro to be married so soon. The reason- My bro has consistently performed extremely poor in his job. he has not saved up anything and till date asks for extra allowance from my parents. we want him to become a bit more stable in his job, earn a good reputation and save some money. When we expressed these concerns to him, he said that even he understands it and wont marry till 27. But still, he started pressurizing for us to call her parents as they didnt trust brother to be serious wanted some sort of confirmation. he spoke rudely to us, called everyday to rant. Finally my parents spoke to hers. they thought the call went well. But the next day, my bro calls to say that they got offended when we said that since some older cousins were not yet married, we would like to wait a bit. It has been 2 months since that call, and my bro still tells us that the girl wants us to call her family and apologize for our words. she fights with him over it everytime. he, in turn, blames us for ruining his happiness and relationship. we told him that if she has misunderstood anything from our side, then HE should be the one explaining what we actually meant. He should be able to have her trust him. But he is now just getting angry at us for not being 'understanding'. I guess he tried to explain to her our side of the story and in return got called a 'mama's boy'. She still wants us to apologize to her family (but we don't really know for what).
I want to clarify that my parents have spoken to her just 2 times, one was a 10 min call on her b'day and the other was a 30 min call with her parents. Both these times she has managed to get offended. Both these calls were preceded by her threatening to leave my brother & marry someone else and in turn, my brother getting angry at us that we are obstacles to his happiness. My parents have made it clear that they have no problem with the relationship and the subsequent marriage. They just want my brother to wait a bit till he saves up some money and becomes good at his job and also gets to know her better (they have probably been physically together for less than 2 months in their 2 year relationship). I am not speaking to my bro anymore because I feel cheated out of my kindness for him.
All in all, an atmosphere of hostility has been created in our house. My parents literally become sad after every phone call with him cuz he is either asking for money or asking us to apologize to her without even telling us what we should be sorry for. I don't know whose side to take anymore. I don't want to support a relationship where the girl threatens to marry someone else at the littlest of things. On the other hand, maybe things would progress more smoothly if we just did whatever my brother asks us to do.
Who is at fault here: her, my brother or us?
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The immediate problem I see is that you and the parents are so busy glossing things over, and fixing his mistakes so that he can never learn from his mistakes. It seems the majority of people learn this way if at all. If they see that what they chose did not work, they avoid that choice from now on and move on. He won't learn to stand on his own two feet and earn a living until both you and the parents let him go to make the mistakes and messes you know for sure are coming. This is where tough love comes in. o matter how much it hurts your heart to see him suffer, you have to resist fixing things for him. Either he will eventually learn or not. Of course you can be nice and pleasant with him but calmly tell him its time he learned to grow up and do the same all adults do, make decisions and learn from their mistakes.
This girl sounds like bad news. SHe sounds like a controller, making demands of your parents and you even. Sounds like a controller and abuser. I know, I've lived that in the past, abused. Those who abuse always look for someone weaker than them who will not stand up to them. In my case, being quiet made my ex believe I was weak, he was wrong and he got terribly angry when he couldn't break my spirit. Your brother should not marry this girl in my opinion, based only on what you shared. If important information is missing that might change how a person answers you, I can't help that. I say you saw it correctly, that he has no stand in the relationship. If it were a financial reason, you know no woman would want him right now. If a woman is looking for a rich man to lavish her with gifts, that certainly is not your brother. So that is why, when I hear what this girl has said or done already, I can see she is bad news. If I had one of my children meet someone like her, I would not jump to her demands to meet or for an apology, and yet I am a peace maker. However peace in my own life comes first, and that includes never allowing another person to control and abuse me as my ex did. I did remarry a wonderful man so very different. I hope you all see this and refuse to have anything to do with her. And not due to age, but the more dangerous, controlling tendency.
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