|
I'm Vietnamese, so my English is not very good. I have a very close friend and she is really close to me. I used to play with a group of old friends but then they left me, and they hurt me a lot And even called me trash So I don't want she Close to them because I fear they will be like me and I feel uncomfortable when I see my best friend so close to them. I told her what I thought. And she also promised me that she wouldn't get along with them. But one day we had a big argument and she left me. After no longer talking, I see that she always takes the time to call and talk to them many times and post stories like close friends. That left me pretty devastated and frustrated. And then she texted me and asked me to give her a chance and I agreed. Then she posted a post about the friends she was with in 2021. It was nice to have me in that post but also my old friends in that post. That left me speechless. I asked her and she said they were just Normal Friends and I was more important than them. i said i hate people who break promises and she knows it too, but why did she break her promise to me and then she doesn't know what to say. I made the choice whether she would keep her promise or continue playing with them and she chose to play with them. she said I made her awkward but she seemed to only think about herself without thinking if I was awkward or not. I felt very hurt and then I decided not to talk to her. I don't know if I'm doing it right, should I forgive or not, please help
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
It might help knowing the age range here but I can guess that we are talking about school age people anywhere from middle school, the years before High School, including H.S. ages and even college age because I was once that age and know how other kids can be. Badically, the decision making skills and being able to figure out consequences to any choice they make, and how they treat other people are things that people struggle with when they fall in to that age bracket. This is a time when young people feel grown up because their bodies have changed but their brain is still handicapped. The problem is that the frontal lobe in older kids, teens and young college age is not done developing so they are not able to make the right decisions due to a brain not yet able to do so. I was treated like this in High School. Yet when I met many of these people at a 40 year High School reunion, they were all very nice, mature people. Some like you might be a little ahead of others, being mature in many areas, but even myself, in looking back know I had a couple areas where I knew next to nothing like about relationships and thats how at 20 I married a man who turned out to be real bad. Don't worry, I am no longer with him.
I just want you to know that the way you are being treated is wrong but at the same time, it is something they are not capable of doing right now. Scientists say that the brain doesn't fully mature until mid twenties, so 25 or a bit older. So if its someone school age, and depending on the age, it can be anywhere from another 18 years to 8 years before they grow up. In the meanwhile, you don't want to feel lonely, so the thing to do is to ignore them, as there is nothing you, their parents or Doctors can do to help them change for the better at this time. You will need to look for others who are the few who are more mature at an early age, at least mentally. And make friends with them. You have no control in changing another person. Change is something that must be a desire that comes from within a person and it is rare to find that at a younger age. The close friend who is spending time with the girls may not be getting mistreated for some reason and so she sees nothing wrong with them and may be wondering why you say such things about them.
I can't say the reason for being picked on is always the same. But in my case, I was very shy and quiet and it seems that makes other young people feel they don't know how to try to interact with quieter people, shy people, social anxiety, or like me, those who think they are being bullied when all kids were trying to do was get me to open up, using humor and teasing. I took it wrong and spent many years with only 3 or 4 friends. So there may be something about your character that leaves them not knowing how to reach out to you and bring you into the group. I do know now that even some adults have problems. Usually after school, going on with their lives, is about raising a family, working but so many are afraid to speak to a stranger because the only experience they have is with other immature friends they knew in High School.
Regarding whether to forgive: Forgiving is something you do in your heart and it's for your best. You do not need to hear another person ask for forgiveness. I've even had family when I was finally an adult, at different times ignore me and stop talking to me, 3 family members at different times and all were adults at that time. I forgave them without bringing up the things they did to me. All it does is embarrass and cause others to shut down, become stubborn and point the finger at you as the problem and decide to never admit they were wrong. See, choosing to not forgive won't hurt them at all, but your choosing to not forgive can have life long effects on you, not good.
Also, when we are still learning how to understand other people, we can make many mistakes. Mistakes is how all of us learn except for a few people adults included. Some never learn to evaluate their mistake and decide what they can do different next time to get better results. Sadly there are some very stupid people in the world who want things to get better but instead of trying something different, do the same things they've always done, hoping for different results. Now that is stupidity. These girls can't fall into that bracket yet if they are not at least 25, or 26 years of age or older. I know this doesn't sound like much help but the best thing you can do is be patient with them, like you are so much older, and wiser, like their parents, and just waiting for them to grow up. You could try talking to each one, one at a time, just you and one others without the others near. Have a talk asking if there is any reason they treat you as they do. Most won't tell the truth for fear of being yelled at or worse. So if you can handle it, tell them its okay to tell you the truth if there is anything about yourself that bothers them and a random statement like "You are just weird" does not tell you anything helpful. If there is a shred of maturity in each person, they will tell you or perhaps realize they have nothing against you and were only following the lead of a certain person who leads that group of people, maybe to be accepted or out of fear that they too would be treated that way if they spoke up for you. You may yet find friends. If you decide to talk to them, there is a right way and wrong way to approach people to talk of a problem. When ever you start a sentence with the word 'you' as in You were saying mean things to me. Remember young people can't stop and think ahead to the consequences of their actions, so use the word, 'I' alot. Example: I felt hurt when I was called, stupid and boring. YOu don't even have to remind most people what they did wrong, they already know. But since you started with I, you may be able to say, when you called me stupid and boring. Humor goes a long way to helping people to like another person. So I have learned to not take things so personally. If you are being attacked verbally and have had enough, then leave. You have more control if you invite one at a time to come to your home. That way when things go bad, you can ask a person to leave since you do not deserve to be treated this way. I decided to practice being humorful. so lets say I drop something and one person starts saying I am butter fingers, a saying here if you drop something because butter would be greasy like oil and cause you to lose your grip on an item. While the others poke fun, repeating in a chant that I am butterfingers, I would choose to laugh instead of feel bad and say, "Oh dear, please don't tell anyone of the beauty secret you discovered, that I use butter as a hand moisturizer." If anyone seems to take it serious and not realize I am joking, then I say so, "Not serious, just joking with you." And that is what self confidence looks like. You know who you are, what your talents are, all about everything that makes you, who you are. they don't. But if they felt you were approachable and not likely to crumble, get mad and do the silent treatment, then they may be more willing to look closer and find out who you are. This is very long now for an answer. But I can think of another story that may help to hear. I was in 4th grade and had a best friend. She was moody as a person. So one day she got upset and I knew from the past that just asking her whats wrong before she was ready to talk or whether I had done something was a waste of time. So I began to spend some time with another gal at school, although she didn't live close enough to spend time after school or weekends. I wisely kept quiet and gave my best friend the space she needed. I truly did not worry that I was at fault because she got upset at silly little things quite often. So she tried the silence and ignoring me. so she was stunned to see me spend time at school with this other girl. Eventually she dropped a note on my desk where it demanded to know why I was spending time with Becky. I did not answer. The best friend eventually forgot what bothered her in the first place and began talking to me again and I answered back, not ever bringing up the fact she started it all. Actually, there is one more, a girl I'll call Tina. Tina was a dancer and so at school performances on stage, I saw her often but we had never met. She was one year younger in High School. However, her sister, one year younger was friends with my sister who was two years younger than me. The dancer must have been bored because one day she followed her sister to my house, not knowing I was the older sister of the person they were going to see. When they arrived, I came out of my room to greet them both and after a few minutes of being friendly, went back into the house. In a few minutes my sister came to my door and told me that the older sister of her friend had just told her that she hated me and wanted her to keep me out of the way. Did that bother me, or hurt my feelings? No, because I didn't bother to listen to those ugly thoughts we all get in our heads, about how terrible we are or whatever. I stayed out of the way. But I realized this person didn't know me, didn't even realize I lived here because she seemed shocked to see me there, and since she did not know me, we had never met at school or any where except my backyard that day. So I knew that her saying she hated me was only showing how immature she was. She was the one with a problem, not me. You may well find out that all these girls are the ones with the problem, not that you are causing it, because there are more young people who are immature and act that way than those who are more mature.
And a compliment to you. Your letter was easy to read. No worse than what I see from people who grew up in the U.S. and should know better. Some write really bad. So you are doing quite well since its not your native language.
]
More Questions: |