|
Trying To Be Chill RE Gay College Roommate
Hello. I am not sure how to do this so I will just ramble and hopefully there will be some good advice even if I don’t ask the right questions. I appreciate any honest opinions and advice.
I am 18 and freshman in college. I am straight and raised traditional Catholic. I do have a girlfriend (five years now) but she is smarter than me and going to school at Notre Dame in Indiana and I go to school locally in St. Louis. I could give more details on that if you want, but not sure if they are relevant.
The issue is my roommate. Let’s call him Trevor (not his real name). Trevor is totally and fearlessly gay. He likes dudes and he does not hide it. He talks about guys he likes, or guys he met, or guys we see on TV, and how hot they are. Sometimes it is way too much information for me which he can tell and thinks it is funny to blow my mind.
I know some gay dudes can act and seem straight, but not Trevor. He reminds me of that heavy set character on Modern Family. Anyway, he is just like loud, enthusiastic, and dramatic all the time. And, he is genuinely funny. I find myself laughing all the time at his inappropriate shock humor or whatever you want to call it. He is also incredibly generous, friendly, and always complimenting people.
And yet, I find myself struggling a lot with homophobic feelings. I am used to being around straight and masculine friends, mostly athletes. Trevor is nothing like that. I find myself cringing inside when we are in public and he is like calling attention to us saying overtly gay things and acting effeminate. A lot of the time he is just joking around, but that is kind of just who he is. What makes it worse is he is so loud and he talks to everyone. To be honest, he needs a reality TV show of his own.
He introduces me to literally everyone we run into (like a drive though cashier the other day) as his “cute straight friend” and “cute straight roommate” and make jokes with other people about checking me out when I am not looking and giving me “bro jobs” and crap like that. I don’t think he actually spies on me (with one exception below) and we have not remotely done anything sexual, but he just likes to joke about it. I admit I get embarrassed by it. If I get red in the face that becomes like a joke too.
It is not like I am trying to meet and date girls and afraid he is interfering with me getting female attention, but I do find myself feeling worrying what other people think when we are together. I also feel guilty for feeling that way.
I certainly do not hate him. I don’t hate anyone (except maybe Hitler or something). I think my homophobia is more like just feeling weird and uncomfortable and not knowing how to deal with certain situations. I feel like I have been thrown in the gay culture pool and nobody taught me how to swim and I am freaking trying to act all chill but inside wondering how I got in this situation.
I reject people being violent and hateful. That is why cancel culture is so bogus. We live in America and people are free to do and think what they want in my opinion. It is certainly not Christian to judge or hate on others. I have even stuck up for him before when jerks started some crap when his mouth ticked them off. He seems to have a habit of finding rednecks and know how to trigger them or something. He literally hides behind me when things get serious. Sometimes I don’t even know what he said or why the person is threatening him. Thankfully, nothing has gotten to more than shoving and trash talk.
For what it is worth, my GF thinks it is hilarious I have a gay roommate and he follows me around like a puppy dog and I end up being his protector when he starts commotion. They actually talk and text each other now. That is another weird thing but maybe another question for another day.
So, I guess the question is how do I manage having a gay roommate under the circumstances?
He is not making passes at me or some dilemma like that. He compliments me and comments on my looks and tells me what to wear and stupid crap like that, but he never actually tries to do anything inappropriate. The weirdest thing is he will follow me to the shower room and talk to me while I am showering. He is fully clothed just chatting me up while I take a shower in front of him and try to act like this normal. I guess that is harmless. I can see how something more aggressive from a gay roommate would be a problem for some dudes.
My situation is more my own internal struggle with conflicted feelings about not approving of a homosexual lifestyle in principle but being decent to him as a friend and human being. Also, how do I deal with my own feelings of awkwardness when he behaves the way he does in public? I can put up with the chattering and in your face humor in our room (although it blows my mind and is way too much information sometimes), but I end up being put in difficult situations when he is that way in public.
And before you say, get a new roommate, that is not an option. He is my legit friend now and I am not trying to bail on him. He has told my GF he was afraid I would ask to switch roommates at the beginning he is glad he got lucky with me. That made me feel guilty as well (cause I did think about it at the beginning). But now, I just don’t know what to think or do sometimes. I appreciate any advice.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Let's get something straight it's not a lifestyle. He was born gay. It's not a choice. Secondly, he's proud of who he is and this is his natural personality as sometimes loud, bold and unashamed.
He's at a place in his life where he is comfortable with who he is and comfortable with you and your girlfriend and knowing he isn't going to be judged.I think he follows you around etc because he hasn't many people in his life he can trust or is as close as you are at school or in his life.
The jokes may be a bit much at times and perhaps uncomfortable and there's nothing wrong with that. Perhaps telling him that it's okay to joke with you but that in public it can draw unwanted attention to himself and others from people who may have bad intentions or judgment.
You need to tell him that it's not always possible to protect him from other people and that he needs to be mindful not to engage with rednecks or anyone else who may try to stir up shit. Ask him to walk away from the situation and teach him how to de-escalate situations.
You have to think of him as being exactly like you and a good person, friend, etc etc but that he likes men and you are attracted to females. There's not much difference there to be honest. You don't have to manage him or having him around.
I think when he compliments you or tells you what you should wear is done to help you. There's nothing to it but that. You can tell him what makes you uncomfortable and put it out there. Maybe he will tone something down. Explain that you don't understand gay culture too well either or how to act or how to deal with certain situations. Explain that sometimes you feel awkward or in the deep end of the pool but make sure you let him know you value him and don't mean this to be offensive.
As far as your girlfriend goes she doesn't feel threatened by him or uncomfortable around him as she might with a straight male. She sees him as a friend and has no issue there and accepts him for who he is and for his personality which he shouldn't and can't change for anyone. She thinks it's hilarious that you are so uptight because she knows deep down that what you're dealing with is a non-issue and that you just have to relax and treat your roommate like anyone else. She embraces who he is and that's where you need to get to.
It's not at all wrong that they text each other or have a bond or friendship that you aren't involved in or a part of or that she understands him on a different level than you do. You just have to let all this stuff go and like you would anyone else appreciate and embrace him for who he is as your friend. He can teach you a lot about yourself and valuable lessons.
Stigma is a horrible thing and I'm sure he has dealt with it a lot so you really have to try to understand the prejudice and daily situation he finds himself in and why he gravitates to you and trusts you to protect and support him. Put yourself in his shoes and picture a role reversal. You'll soon see how silly it is to be uptight. He's not into you at all if that's your worry.
When it comes to other people in public or around him and you get into the frame of mind that you both couldn't give a shit about how things may look to others. It's not about them and if they act that way they'll learn on their own the hard way that they have to do work on themselves and atone for their behaviour except that you'll be long gone to see it happen.
I think you should also look into support groups with him for young people that have an alliance and PFLAG which helps support parents and friends of LBTGQ people so you get a better perspective and can drop any of the uncomfortable feelings you have and support your roommate.
]
You say this is more your own internal struggle. I'm not so sure about that. Try to imagine a straight friend acting like him, saying things, not gay stuff but other controversial things to get people upset and then hide behind you when other people get angry. That is not normal behavior for anyone no matter their sex, sexual preferance, skin color, age or political leanings. He is just looking for trouble. I have a feeling he does this stuff on purpose, cus he is lonely, hurt, maybe rejected by parents. I say this because its proven that children raised by neglectful parents will act up and do wrong things, just to get any attention, even bad attention. So this guy is going to have to move towards the middle a bit, be his outgoing funny self but not rile up strangers or try to embarrass his frriends in public.
As for you, I used to attend a church that was against the gay culture and believed it was a choice to be that way. Hmmm, interesting info cus Farmers of livestock have known for ages that there will always be a male sheep, goat or whatever that is male and trys to mount males. Since growing the flock is important, that one can't be used to that purpose so those animals are sold for meat. Good thing it doesn't go that far for humans. So tell me, do you believe a goat can make a conscious aware decision to go against the norm and be gay. No, only humans can do that. So why would animals do that? Apparently there are some differences an animal or human can be born with. The visual differences, we are more familiar with like Downs syndrome, an amputee in wheelchair, and the multiple strange rare diseases that children are born with every day. So, you dont have to worry that he is doing wrong regarding the church and so. Blessings.
]
More Questions: |