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Parents don't like my boyfriend + Doing long distance soon
Hello. I am currently a high school senior attending an international school in South Korea. I wanted to ask for some relationship advice because I have quite nobody to talk to about this...
My boyfriend and I have been dating for ten months now. He is the sweetest guy; never cheated or looked at other girls, buys me gifts, writes me letters, facetimes me a lot, helps me improve my confidence, gives me great life advice, etc. A lot of people talk to me about how they see that my boyfriend really loves me. Even the teachers were like "You guys could get married one day."
Although I really do enjoy the good parts of our relationship and we really love each other, not everything can be perfect. And the problems I'm facing right now are emotionally affecting me a lot.
The biggest issue is that my parents don't like him. When we first started dating, a lot of people would see us hugging each other or cuddled with each other, sometimes giving each other a little kiss in the school lounges. But because our campus is smaller, the middle schoolers would complain about how "annoying it was" to the school counselor. That darned counselor called my mom twice to complain about that. She has a reputation of being obnoxious and hypocritical, so she most likely stretched the story to make it bigger than it seems. My mom was FURIOUS. She reprimanded me and said that we shouldn't even be holding hands in school and hugging each other is unforgivable. She dislikes my boyfriend mainly because of this incident. It's not like we were having intercourse or making out in front of 20 people; we just hugged and leaned on each other a lot. Were we so wrong for doing something that every other high schooler does?
Although our economic statuses are similar, I grew up much more comfortably than him. His biological dad died when he was in primary school after divorcing his mom, who was financially struggling. My boyfriend lived with his grandparents for most of his childhood, so he says doesn't really remember his biological dad. He has a stepdad and a mom with mildly successful restaurant businesses and their family seems to be happy (I met his family and they were very nice to me, the mom really likes me too). I talked to my parents about this and they said "You can NEVER marry him. He has too many family issues. His mom is going to be very dependent on him and you when you guys are married and it will wear you out." My dad once told me "You guys are going to break up some day and you will come crying to me about how I was right. Go date a better looking guy." My mom told me about five times now "You can NEVER marry him. You should date about three guys before marriage. His family is too messed up." I told my boyfriend about my mom saying this stuff and he got irritated. He said that my parents know nothing about his family (which is true, they've never met) and that me listening to her words and telling him about it says that it makes me too dependent on other people. My mom apologized for saying stuff like this and admitted that she is thinking too far ahead. But that doesn't change the fact that if we ever decide to get married in like twelve years, my parents won't be pleased . I know I am thinking too far ahead but going through all of this drama with my parents just makes me so hopeless and insecure with this relationship.
Another big obstacle placed on our relationship right now is that he is a junior and I am a senior. I am going to college in the United States next August, which means we have to do long distance for at least a year until he graduates too. But even after graduation, there is no guarantee that we will go to college in the same state. He might even enlist in the Korean army, which takes up about 2 years before he heads to college in the States as well. After graduating college, he said he wants to work in the USA while I want to work in Korea. We don't talk about this much often and he says he's not too worried about it because we communicate well and love/trust each other (this is true). However, this is coming up real fast. Everyone around us said that long distance relationships don't work and I'm so scared.
I feel like everything is falling apart and I don't know what to do about it. I really love him so much and I know he does too. He really is a hard working, talented guy with a mindset mature than most kids in our school and I see him being successful in the future. I can clearly picture a happy future with him. We've never broken up once in the ten months but I'm so emotionally unstable that I feel like I depend on him too much sometimes. I don't know what to do. Is this relationship going to fall apart? What can I do to save it or make this situation better? Please help me.
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You gave a lengthy and detailed description of your concerns, so let me address each one, as you described them:
Public displays of affection in your achool: Is it the school's policy to allow such things, or not? Whatever it is, you must respect and abide by it, however silly or inappropriate it may seem to you.
You didn't clarify where your family is living, which might make a difference. If its in the same area, you could propose that they have a visit with you and your boyfriend, before passing judgement on him.
While you are still a minor, and I presume that you are, you are stilll beholding to abide by your parents' rules and regulations,however much you may disagree with them. But the fact that you are already a high school senior suggests that you will soon be of adult age , legally and socially. You can look forward, therefore, to making your own choices about your relationships, regardless of what your mother may "forbid" or not. But be sure that you aren't still depending upon them financially, because with that, comes the requirement to accept their interference with your choices.
Were you "so wrong" for doing "something that every other high schooler does"? While I don't see much wrong with what you did,other than the place and time, its simply not true that "every other high schooler" does the same thing. This sounds much like the typical (and immature) child's plea: "All the other kids get to do it!" Not a justifiable reason, I'm afraid.
Your mother is coming across as very heavy handed, although she is ,from her perspective, trying to protect and guide you. But really, in truth, she cannot dominate your life or decisions.
The reality of your situation is that you are both still very young, each with your futures ahead of you. It may seem like "Romeo and Juliet" right now, i.e., True Love, but chances are very likely that one or both of you will choose to move on for any number of reasons, and go your separate ways.
I would encourage you to try and relax about the whole thing. Respect the rules of your school about public demonstrations of affection. Go to college. Keep in contact as long as both of you wish to do so. And life, you will find, will take its course in due time. Should you still wish to be together in the future,then you will possibly have to choose between your family and your boyfriend. Unless they learn to love and accept him. These things have a way of resolving themselves over time, so try not to "crack up" over your immediate dilemma?
There's an old saying: If you love someone or something very much,be willing to let them fly free. If they are really yours, if its meant to be,they'll come back to you. But if they don't, then it wasn't meant to be after all.
Things will work out, one way or the other, over time. Good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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You love who you love and you really can't change that. If someone else doesn't like it parent or not you can't change that nor can you just for them. If you are incredibly happy and not someone who makes rash decisions then know that you have made the right decision with your partner and let the chips fall where they may.
You should tell your parents that you need then to respect you made a choice even if they don't agree and that you would give them the exact same if role reversed. They have a lot of life experience and have seen things not work out for other people and want the best for you but by not respecting who you are and your choices they are harming you. It could also be a cultural thing. At any rate you marry who you want and have relationships that you want and know that's right for you. It's not about pleasing them or anyone else.
That said, I would have him and his family invite them for dinner so they could see how genuine they all are in their support of you and the relationship. They should get it from that interaction. Have them initiate that for you. If they see that the relationship truly isn't harming you they'll have no choice but to see that it's a healthy situation. That's what I would do. They don't have to agree with everything but they do have to respect choices and that you're an adult.
As far as the come crawling back remark even if that happened they should as parents be open to helping you if it didn't work rather than placing guilt and blame on you now. The thing about supporting his mom financially or giving her place to live is what you are SUPPOSED to do for a parent if needed considering all they gave you. I can't see why they could make an argument about that with no indication that would happen. They're just concerned and nervous parents.
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From what I've picked up on LDRs, (long distance relationships)it is true that generally LDR's do not work. However, that statistic is more for those who have never met in person, only on the net. Those who are together, dating or married when one goes off on mission in the military, the only way to keep in touch is via the internet and having an LDR with their sweetie. If dating and one moves away to another place and they are now separated by long distance whether the same or other country, that couple still has the experiences together to work as a glue to hold that relationship together. One thing you can't tell over the computer with someone you haven't met in person is whether you both have that sexual chemistry together which can only be determined by being in each others presence. Now the things you don't want to hear but must as they are also true. You can change alot as a person from now as teens to who you are in five years or your later 20s. This change is why High school buddies find themselves drifting apart due to major changes in each persons beliefs, traits, etc... I have a girl friend from school who not being with me but another state, can only make judgements based on what she sees on Facebook. So right now, to her, I am a Heathen and she feels she needs to save my soul and she couldn't be further from the truth.
So change in each person can happen in an LDR too. The other issue is that even if both do not want anybody else in their life, the only persons they can interact with in person are those local, around them. This means that both of you are left open to slowly being enticed by another person locally who may be as great a person as lets say your boyfriend. So you now have one great guy long distance and one nearby. It doesn't take much for you to turn to the local one in times of worry, grief, upset, but also loneliness. It can happen to you as easy as it can happen to him. And an LDR will help that along.
Lastly, not related to an LDR, but you mentioned being emotionally unstable. I don't know what you meant by that, whether you see a psychologist and are on medication or whether you mean you are more of a touchy-feely type person and tend to pick up on the emotions of those around you and end up emotionally all over the place, or you tend to not trust easy, worry alot and have emotional ups and downs mainly due to causing it yourself. the issue if you are really bad off emotionally is that any relationship will be imbalanced. Normally in math, two halves make a whole. But it doesn't work that way with couples. If anything is holding one person back mentally or emotionally and that person struggles to be whole, without any problems, they tend to lean on the stronger one of the two. But that in time takes its toll on the stronger one, weakening them, or taking so much of their personal energy, they can end up neglecting themselves or even if they never meant to, they end up resenting their partner for the situation. So if you really have an issue that may need counseling, I would advise getting that taken care of now so you wont have to worry of this issue. If you think you are emotionally having problems because of what your parents have been saying about him now and since junior high, then that hon, should just be stress you are feeling. When stress gets too bad, it can lead to depression which needs treatment. But if that is all you are speaking of, I wouldn't say, based on that alone, that you have any mental/emotional problems.
Time wise, if I understand correctly, you will be away at a 2 or 4 year college. If 4, with him needing 1 year to graduate and 2 years in military, thats 3 of your 4 years in college, and he wants to work in the U.S., then you both have only your 4th yr of college to see each other sometimes because once you graduate, you plan to go to Korea. Unless both of you plan to go live where one of you gets a high paying stable job, no matter which country, then the other moves to the same country and looks for a job. It will have to be a compromise and like you said, these times are coming up quickly. Whatever decision you make, you will have to live with the consequences which could mean never seeing each other again. If you two can't come up with a decision now, it won't be easier later. So have a Plan A, but if certain things fall apart, then have a second Plan, plan B to use if the first isn't feasible now.
I am a parent and so I can only imagine what your parents have against him. Likely, that person who called them, made things sound worse than actually. But that coupled with any parents fear of their girls ending up pregnant is a big fear, because as adults, even if we didn't do that, we have known plenty of people who did and how it ruined their schooling, maybe delayed or no college, having a child to care for so likely just grabbing any low pay job to survive, and parents knowing that more than likely they will be helping you out financially for a long time, until you can find a man who will marry you if you already have a child. Yes, that whole bundle of what ifs, is what parents will think about. You may know you have enough will power to not have intercourse, but generally, adults only know for sure how strong those urges felt when they were the same age or fellow students ended up pregnant. Now that you are older, you are soon an adult,or already there. Most countries have 18 as the general age when a person is considered an adult. Exceptions I saw listed on the web mentioned 17 in N. Korea. So be sure of that age. Once you are of age, and can financially take care of yourselves, you can do whatever you want to do and do not need to follow parents wishes. And parents no longer have a right to dictate what you do and don't do. The only option left to them is that they lay down the laws of what happens under their roof if you are living with them. So if you can't afford to live on your own or they are helping pay for schooling, you may not want to rock the boat until you or you and your sweetie can afford a place of your own together. Another thing that parents and others will have concern over is any relationships happening while the person is still young and impressionable. First loves tend to be . . .just that, a first love meaning there is a second or third, or until the perfect mate is found. Most young people are not mature at all in their thinking and reasoning, not to their fault but the frontal lobe of the brain developing maturity long after your body does. According to scientists, it is generally thought to take as long as mid twenties or a bit longer before a person is mentally at a mature enough place physically to make the best decisions in life.We all make decisions that don't pan out and we hopefully learn from them. But a big decision like who we end up marrying, will worry every parent. Or we have heard how many marriages that start early, end up in divorce. However, I know also that like myself at your age, I was more mature in all ways from my fellow students, exception for knowledge that can only be obtained from experience or studying books on human behavior and relationships. I didn't do anything to learn there and suffered by marrying at age 20 to a man who was involved in his church like me, sounding like a safe bet but he was verbally abusive behind closed doors and would humiliate me in public. You and he may be two that go against the way of the majority. I do believe that people can end up marrying their childhood sweetheart. But the statistics of those relationships even happening, are very low. In fact, I do not know of anyone from High school who married their partner from school. I only know one gal who had a baby before graduating but did not marry the father of the child. She married someone else as she got older and saw what she really needed and wanted. I can only give you information to mull over and make your own decisions on. If you feel so strongly about this young man, you have to decide if that love is not just a love of some of his attributes, but that you are in love with him, unconditionally, which would mean, you'd feel a part of you missing if you couldn't be together. Thats how I feel about my second husband. Our love is so strong and real, that we want to be together at all times, retired now so we have that time. I remember a movie, I think it was 'Letters to Juliet" in which two people did not marry their young sweethearts and wondered and regretted it all their lives. Then when they both became widowed or single again, as older people, found each other again to finally be a couple. It can feel like years wasted on the wrong person and only ones retirement years with the right person finally. Thats what I feel. So make the best decision you can to be together or not and if your decision doesn't work out, such as having problems together even if you marry, then comes the decision to divorce or not. But enough of thinking way ahead.
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