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Doubting everything... What should I do now?
Hello..
I'm 32 years old, in a relationship for 1 year and almost half..
i am a person who is so jealous and doubts everything, not just in relationships also in life..
I question everything, search for reasons till i get satisfied.
I go through my BF accounts which he doesn't know..he says if you will do it do it infront of me, and honestly till now i couldn't find anything that triggers my thoughts but i keep doing it anyways, i know i should stop or at least try to fix myself.
But..1 week ago when i was checking again i found that he was flirting with this lady that they work together.. ( he's a head chef and the lady is a Pastry chef ).
That he wants to see her and he won't go to the venue if she wasn't there.. things like this.
he came home and i confronted him what i did and he didn't reply back, we had something similar to thisand he deleted the messages which i found out later, he told me it's because thelady sending him kisses he didn't want me to see it..i packed, left the house and 1 week i'm in a big mess, heartbroken and disapointed .. Drinking, Crying getting support from friends..
later i saw she shared a story in his car, and he told me it wasnt the first time that she was in his car and he was only helping her to go to HR for her paperwork.
Of course didnt believe.. and then fights were more and more.. Finally i told hold him this can't go any further, and we have to end it.
Later that day he came and he started to kiss me telling me let's put this behind us i didn't do anythimg wrong to you, nothing was or will be between us, and be happy forever.
he's denying it.. I don' know maybe really nothing happened, but all the facts.. the flirting, deleting messages so i don't find out..
Just doesnt make sense .
what should i do now..
anything will help..
Thank you.
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Your description was long and convoluted, so it would help if you were to write us again, and keep it down to just the basics, and in a more orderly fashion. I read your piece twice and am still having difficulty grasping everything.
What might be important to figure out, is how much is your own insecurity , obsessive checking on him, and how much is something he might really be doing behind your back.
In any case, jealousy often equals insecurity. You?
If she's "sending him kisses", however, there may be some genuine reasons for you to be concerned.
Is it both? There's an old saying, "Murder will out", which means that if there is really something to be concerned about, you can bet that it will happen again and sooner or later, you'll find out.
One thing is certain: whether he's fooling around on you , or not, you may well drive him away by how you are obsessing and checking up on him.
All in all, no matter what he's doing, the relationship doesn't sound like a very healthy one to me. One or both of you may need to do some work on maturing, being honest, trust, and related issues. Good luck, good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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You have told us what your problem, jealousy and doubting everything. Does your boyfriend know this? He needs to know. If he knows and is in love with you, he will want the best for you, for you to be able to live without the doubts. This would mean your seeing a psychologist. However I wouldnt recommend seeing just anyone. I think its been at least 40 years or so that the mental health industry has known of a better, more effective way to treat humans but no one tells you or gives you a choice. The two choices are a Dr. who diagnoses you and writes a prescription for medicine or the Dr. who has training in the newer better method of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. This isn't just for people with real mental health diseases but the average person who gets distorted thoughts sometimes and people either dismiss it in their mind for good or keep dwelling on it at which point they develop a habit of thinking distorted thoughts that lead to the kind of behavior you are finding you can't stop. This is a very common situation for people. You sound like a great candidate for this type of therapy as there is no drugs involved and no need for drugs in the majority of people taking drugs because CBT is what they really needed and still don't have. Thats how common it is but folks aren't getting cured, just masking it with drugs. The Psychologist I want to share with you is David D. Burns. He at first did not believe it would work but a colleague got him to try it on his patients and a good amount of them never made it to an appt with him because they were given a book to read while waiting that mentioned CBT and several subjects it worked on. And they were feeling good before they even made it to the appt. That Dr. now trains others Dr.s in that and one other method for the few stubborn cases. He also wrote books and has a website,
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Now about your guy and whether you really stumbled on to anything for real or not. If innocent, I don't blame him for wanting to hide anything on his phone, even if innocent, because males will fear a females reaction of tears and suspicion and not trusting and asking a bunch of questions about something that never happened. I didn't know this stuff when I was young but learned as I got older. Had to divorce cus 1st husband was verbally abusive and had just started to push me around as well so I ended it. The man I found using a dating site, is a wonderful person and I feel treated like a princess. Of course I had learned what to look for, what were real red flags. I met a handful of guys who were really bad news. Made themselves sound good so when meeting at a coffee shop, or with a couple, two dates later, they showed their bad traits, lying to my face, bigoted, racial slurs used, anal retentive personalities and more that is bad in relationships. Dropped them quickly. You need a self confidence that you are desirable to men and a true personality that reflects that, not just faking it as I did sometimes back in my past. No one knew what I was going through. When I finally worked up the guts to leave I checked with every female I knew in a company of 200 and was shocked when I told them I was leaving an abusive relationship and needed a place to stay, first day, off the bat, around a dozen women all told me they had done the same thing years ago. I would never have thought that. They seemed well adjusted and many had remarried someone better. Back to confidence, I read an article about a test done in one of the big Universities to see what drew mens interest in the end, beauty or confidence. People tested knew they were doing a test but didn't know what it was for. Yet all the needed data was picked up from the waiting room. Men drifted over to talk to the gorgeous model type women but in time were tired of their lack of confidence and drama so they checked out the women who were average, like the girl next door but had confidence. Tests proved men are attracted to confidence. Here is how I showed I had it. When I first met at a coffee shop, I told the guys that this was a process yet, I was meeting men to see who would be the best person for me for the rest of my life and I was an open book, they could ask anything, I would hide nothing and I expected the same from them. I also advised them of what boundaries rules I had. Conducted it much like an interview for a job, however for job of boyfriend who wished to marry. When a woman asked for what she wants, 90 % of men will think nothing of it, and many will be very attracted, due to the confidence, cus I know I don't look like a model which is fakey anyways and not how normal women look. I knew the difference between somebody loving me or being in love with me. I learned what two things must be in place for a new relationship to work... being each others best friend and being each others dream lover. Most people are married to only one or the other and those relationships are not good. Yes, there are lots of bad guys out there, cheating, lying or whatever. But I give guys the benefit of the doubt without hunting for anything bad. Heres an example. Early in relationship with 2nd husband, he was up one Sat morn long before me. When I got up he was at the computer. He had a site up that had nude pics of women. I was not upset. I calmly asked him what he was looking at though it was obvious. But I found it was good to ask because it was quite different from the reason he was looking. He had always let me sleep in and didnt want to wake me though he wanted sex and I am very acommodating. He told me that he had been looking for women who had my shape of body, especially the boobs. He excitedly told me he found two and brought then on screen. I said that yes, their bodies looked much like mine. The only reason he was looking at strange women was because he didn't have nude sexy shots of me to do so with so he didn't have to wake me which he wouldn't anyhow. I said, if I posed for you, would that help out? He was surprised and didn't think I really meant it. But soon he had his collection of pics of me. To this date, a favorite of his is the opening pic on his phone, a shot of me front behind, sitting on a big rock by a river where it was private and I could take off my top. With my long hair the only thing to really see, and he treasures that although this wasn't part of the original sexy poses. I could have raised mmy voice and demanded what he was doing looking at porn and he would likely have shut down and not told me anything because I was angry. My hubby is really obese now, only had a little extra weight when we met. He still has women ooo and ah over him when he lets his long hair hang dry as it will turn into big fat ringlets and women everywhere seem to go gaga over it. He tells me how it happened at the Dr.s office visit recently. He is polite and treats women all very well, saying yes Mam which he got from growing up in the south. But he also will say, My lady, which isn't a term claiming a woman but simply giving a voice to her position as a woman. No one ever thinks he is flirting with them except one woman. She was a cashier and had seen us waiting our turn, and when it came and we were closer, he noticed her earrings with beautiful stones cus he is much into quality jewelry. The moment the compliment was paid her head swiveled to catch my eyes and she looked terrified, thinking I would erupt in jealous rage. I had to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from laughing. A few good men are like that. They treat women good, their mom, sisters, female friends, neighbors. Many men only want something in return, and won't help. Maybe your guy is like that, truly helping a woman. She knows now he is not after her but makes a good male friend to get his perspective on other males. I always had that, a male friend I could talk to until I met my husband who talks as freely and as much as me so I have someone to confide in. The only difference is he has no romantic feelings in his heart for these women, simply wanting to treat each one the way we deserve, not the way men think of us or talk to or treat us these days. If your guy is like that, he may not be doing anything wrong and if your non trusting goes on too long, it will drive him away. So get help for yourself first.
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