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Did I make the right decision in ending a ten year friendship?
28/f
I've been trying to figure out whether or not I've made the right decision in cutting my friend of 10 years out of my life.
When my dad passed away in March, I told everyone (including my friends), that I was going to go off grid for awhile to regroup, which also meant that I wasn't going to respond to anyone until I was ready. All of them met me with support and understanding.
One of these friends, was a girl friend of mine from high school. We used to have a lot of things in common, but I think life pulled us in different directions, but yet we were still able to remain friends. Two weeks after I have told everyone I was going to be off grid, she just texted me "hey." I didn't respond to her mainly because she has had a habit of messaging me randomly purely out of boredom just to talk. I figured since I had already told her I wasn't going to respond and that I was going through a lot, that it should have been fine.
Let me just say that I was going through a lot. I was going through trauma therapy from being in an abusive relationship in November, had lost my job in February, my dad passed in March, and then was having issues with my family dealing with my dad's ashes. I was seeking support and decided to call my friend.
The first thing she said was something very catty and told me that she was surprised to hear from me and that she knew that I was going through something and that because she was there for me for "my shit," that I would be there for her when she was going through hers. She told me that if she was to text me during this time, I should've just KNOWN that it was something important. She continues to tell me about the issues that she was going through (she was being abused in her relationship). I sat there and listened to her, told her that I cared for her and that I was there for her in any support that she needed and to next time to tell me directly that she needed my help.
But even then she told me that she didn't want me to feel bad for not being there for her (which was what she was doing this entire phone call), and when she asked me for my opinion, she pretty much told me that my opinion didn't matter. So at some point, I got confused as to why she wanted to talk to me if she had other people, "who were eligible to give her advice" (her words, not mine).
In the end, I apologized and told her that I just didn't have the emotional or mental bandwidth to be able to talk to someone else about their issues because I was trying to carry my own. She responded with, "just because your dad died??" I was surprised she would even say that. I get that she could have been stressed out, was projecting, taking her anger or stress out on me, and even vented and didn't even bother asking me how I was this entire one hour phone call. But her saying that, was shocking.
After this, I decided to stop talking with her completely. I don't know if this was me overreacting, but I don't think I could have ever gotten to a place where I would have asked for her opinion, told her that her opinion didn't matter, and then invalidate her experience or feelings by saying "oh, just because you're getting beat by your fiance?"
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Cut her loose. She's a crappy friend if she even truly was your friend. She's insensitive, cares only about herself, has unfounded anger directed at you and doesn't care if your father died. Trust your gut that your decision not to talk to her again is a good one. She will cause endless drama if you have her stick around.
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Neither you nor your friend are in a place where you can give advice right now. You are grieving a loss of Dad and job and all the garbage from having been in an abusive relationship. She is still in an abusive relationship. I used to be in a verbally abusive relationship, my first husband and stayed stuck there for about one month short of 30 years. After leaving him, I went through some counseling. Everyone needs that and you both do too but neither are at your top best to be able to help. Its like going rock climbing, having an accident and needing your friend to help but they have a severe injury and are bleeding. Its not a matter of you taking turns to help each other. If one is in so much pain that it fogs the mind and they have no strength to hold onto a rope and pull you to safety, then the help you each need is not going to come from each other. I understand needing someone to talk to. But it has to be someone who is not currently sad, down, blue, depressed, grieving etc... because they need help too before they can give it.
I don't know how well you explained to everyone about going off grid. For some, that means living remotely without power and water hookup sometimes and so on. If you already knew your friends way of calling you when she was in crisis and being that she is still in the bad relationship, there wasn't going to be a day she didn't need help. Abuse is 24//7, no break at all. Abuse will affect a person in one of two ways, either all the bad energy from being abused goes to somewhere in the body and you get an illness caused by the stress (that happened to me) or the stress goes to the mind causing lack of confidence, low esteem and so on plus things like nightmares, always unsure and always saying sorry to people cus you're used to it. This stress can eventually kill you if the beating doesn't first. Now you know why neither of you can help each other. You could at the most share your therapist stories with each other but the 'medicine' you each need does not come in a package that looks like each of you.
I don't know how long you were silent but calling anyone during this time, would indicate without words that it is over and okay now to talk again. If her situation was that bad, and she was ready to leave him, she could have called the police, got a restraining order and gone to stay with a relative until things settle. If she was injured bad enough to need to go to the hospital, she could have called an ambulance. You left such a relationship, she hasn't, so you should know that just talking to a person unless they are seriously thinking about ending it, is useless for the most part. Whatever someone says has to be taken to heart, mulled over and cause you to take the needed action. Your calling her while supposedly off grid is something I sure wouldn't do as it could send the wrong message. Don't blame yourself that you should have known it was serious.... because just the fact that she is still with him and he beats her is serious. She doesn't have to wait for the next bruise,or bleeding for it to be serious. Have you asked yourself why you called her. If the relationship is based only on trying to help each other cope with crisis but nothing else, then both of you are each others crutches. She is not in a place of being able to have a clear mind unburdened with issues to be able to help so all you are going to hear from her is the kind of stuff you shared in your letter. It may not be entirely her fault. I wasn't my best when abused but that changed after I left. this is all why she sounds so heartless right now. Keep the break going but let her know just once, by text that you are no longer going to reach out to hurting friends until they have dealt with their issues so if it takes her a year, then you don't talk or see each other, no text, no calls, no letters, no going to places where you know you can bump into each other...Just don't. When she has finally left him for good AND is going to therapy, then is a good time to pick up where you left the friendship. If you stay friends right now, you will be adding her to the list of things you are dealing with and the goal is to eventually shrink that list until none of the issues are causing you pain any longer. About family fighting over ashes,, that is very common. A death will bring out the worst in all family you got along with well before. That happened when my Mom died and I was her executor. My sister and their husbands kept telling me they did not trust me to split any monies fairly and fought over unnamed items not in her will, like home decor, clothes, etc. I got so upset with all that, I just told them I had enough and was leaving...and the topper, they had no idea why I wanted to leave. I wish you well and am proud you left your bad relationship. Good for you!
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