|
Codependent mother in law
I am a 25 year old engaged to a man whose mother makes it very clear to me that she is absolutely in love with her son. Her son is “the love of her life, the only love of her life, the light of her world, That even though he’s almost 30 she still sees him as the little baby boy in all those pictures, he will always be my baby boy” and she makes very odd comments such as “he is so good looking he’s even good looking with his shirt off.” Although her and I have a very good relationship, pretty much since we’ve gotten engaged she makes these comments towards me that make me feel like the two of them are the dynamic duo. I’ve been planning a surprise 30th birthday for him for about six months and I included his mother because I knew it would make her happy and just having a conversation with her yesterday she said “I don’t think he would think that his mommy wouldn’t do something for his 30th, you know I’ve done something for his 18th birthday 20th 21st I’m sure he knows mommy is going to plan something for 30“ but this is my party for him, this is my gift to him and I did let her invite almost 20 of her friends, because she’s paying for them. But she’s making this party that’s all about him all about herself, and what she is doing for him and what she is planning for him, when she isn’t doing anything except inviting her friends. I should also mention that he has lived with her his entire life because she financially depends on him. We are moving out, we plan to buy our first house in about six months. But until then how do I cope with someone who is so obsessed with her son, I feel like she’s constantly having a pissing match with me but I’m not pissing back. I try to talk to him about it and his solution is to tell her not to talk to me anymore, which isn’t what I want, I just want her to loosen her reins on him because she puts so much stress on the relationship sometimes that neither one of them are aware of and I feel like I am the only one who feels it. and by no means am I an emotional person but I am just so fed up that when I really sit here and think about it I could cry. She’s not a bad person, she’s actually a really good person, but living with her and having to constantly hear how much she loves him and everything else it’s really draining. Like when he comes home with a new car she’s always the first one out the door being his cheerleader and I want to be his cheerleader but his mother is too busy doing it that I don’t get the opportunity too. let it also be noted that he is an only child, and I do understand that, but I need my space, he’s going to be my partner for life just me and him, not me him and his mother. If anyone has any suggestions or advice I could really use it. Thank you.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
So, if I read you correctly, you are planning to be with someone who has lived his entire life,now into his thirities, with his mother? And they are living together, have lived together and plan to continue the arrangement? His response advising his mother not to talk to you would only sow division and further alienate you and her. There are two choices available to him: either take a firm stand to support you and make certain that his mother knows you will now be his top priority, as his present and future partner; or, he can continue to remain a passive recipient of her intrusiveness in his life, (and yours!), indefinitely. So far, it would seem that he is leaning toward the latter. You are engaged to both of them, honey. This is a duo that has taken top priority over your life with him , from day one, and its probable that nothing will change, and that if you go ahead and marry him, you will be marrying her, as well. Decide now. Its either going to be the two of you, or the three of you, but if you don't want her to continue dominating and intruding, you will have to insist that he set some limits and stand up to her, and the reading on the wall thus far is that he just isn't up for it. Do not expect change, therefore, and if you go ahead and marry him, you most probably will be marrying her, as well. I can't tell you what to do; but if I could, I'd advise you to run like hell. Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
]
Yes, the MIL does not know how to transition from being the mother of an adolescent,to mother of an adult. You let the reins go and let the son go where ever he wishes. This is an issue for lots of parents, who continue to treat their adult children as if they were 10 years old and you can still set limits, and dictate what they do.
Your real problem may be how your fiancee feels about this. It is all well for you to say something to MIL but if the two of you are not showing a united front, she could eventually destroy the marriage. Some men are Mama's boys, which means they don't mind and actually like the fact they don't have to decide on anything and let Mom decide for them. This would be a Man copping out on life, meaning he isn't willing to be in charge of his own life, and more than willing to allow his Mother to mother him in an unhealthy way. If you find he doesn't have the balls to stand up to Mom, tell her he is an adult and will together with you make all the decisions for both of your futures as a couple. She is welcome to visit when he has agreed to it and so on. He also has to back you up in front of her, validate anything you share that you both have agreed on.k This happens NOW!!! Right now you are engaged, and it is harder to later get divorced if he wants to allow Mom to be the top person in his life.
I read bits and pieces of men writing on line to women who are dating to explain from a mans stand point, whether a man loves you enough to make it work for you. One of the things is who gets to be at the top of the totem pole in importance to him. A man usually has just 3 top priorities but these are important. Their job is one, a sports team he plays on, or his family is two, and his fiancee of wife must be the third one. However in many cases, when the issue is about your relationship together as a couple, no one else gets a say, you are the top dog there. You only get to talk with him and decide on something that will impact your lives, such as accepting a new job, moving for a job, going back to school, if and when to try for children of your own and so on. Moms role now must change from calling all the shots to becoming a sounding board for him. A sounding board is where you go to get more info, a different viewpoint to tackling an upcoming issue. The thing about this position does not mean she has a right to share her unwanted, unasked for advice. You asked me here or I would not be talking. I have adults kids and if they didn't ask for advice when I say a problem, the most a parent can do is ask permission to speak such as "I may have some insight for you on that matter. Would you like to hear it. I have had my kids say no and I've had to bite my tongue and not say a thing. What usually happens is when an adult child is upset over how things turned out doing it their way, a parent can step in and say how sorry they had to learn the hard way but you did have something to tell them that might have avoided the bad experience, the extra cost, etc... This happened with one daughter reallizing after her one free Dr. visit through her job that what the Dr. gave her to do to help with situational caused depression, is the exact same list I had wanted to give her. She knows now that Mom knows more than her on some things and Moms advice may help. She is more willing now to let me have my say. But as always, even when I do get my say, she may take in advice from several sources beyond me and decide to go with one of them. I say you have a good talk with your fiancee first, find out how he feels about Mom running his life. Although I would advice you don't say those words exactly but soften it by saying,
"It kinda looks like she is trying to run your life, live variously through you. If this is really going on, it will destroy the very marriage we both want. Are you willing to go to couples counseling while engaged. I will delay a wedding until I am sure that this issue is understood correctly by both of us, discover how to handle it, or discover if its a non-issue." In talking this way, you are not using tenses in your sentences that make it sound as if this is for sure. It won't sound like an accusation and you sound like you are leaving room for yourself to be wrong also. If he refuses to go seek a counselor, and/or won't talk to his mother and stand up for decisions you both make and reject her unwanted advice, telling her she is now a sounding board only to be given permission by him on each instance to give advice, otherwise, it is not welcome and if she persists, he needs to tell her she is temporarily barred from even visiting or calling you two. It is tough love so it is hard to talk like this to a parent but it is important that it happen as the other way is not normal for humans to act this way. I know, that means there are a lot of older parents who are not normal.
Another lesson here is that of a saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" is a saying that captures the truth very well, you can talk to a person, you can be good example for them to watch, but in the end, you can not change a person. First, the problem person must recognize and be able to admit they hve a problem and then want to change into a better version of themselves. I have experience here with a failed first marriage. I gave it plenty time and him too but when after almost 30 years he had failed to change on his own, I was left with the only decision I could make, I could only decide what happens to me. So I prepared to leave him first and later get the divorce. I hope this is not how it goes for you. But you must realize that whatever she does, or fiancee does is going to affect your life, and currently, it will be a bad effect. You can become so stressed that your body can't handle it and the stress transforms to illnesses in the body (I had that happen to me) or goes to the mind and you become depressed, sometimes to the point of killing yourself. This is not a 'maybe it might happen', this is a for sure thing, the bad effects on your physiology, creeping in and adding up over time. Heck I lived with daily headaches for one thing due to the stress and there was no MIL interfering, just him. If your life is made miserable by two people on a fairly constant basis, you would for sure become affected by stress. It can take months, a year, 5 years, til you see the bad effects add up enough that you notice them in yourself but its usually sooner than later with more symptoms adding on all the time til there are more illnesses. I am remarried now, a wonderful man and I do not have any of those illnesses now. Now that I have mentioned the worst that can happen, you know that
both of you need to unify, agree and both talk to his Mom. If he tries but gives in to her, mention counseling again. He also needs to know he has to decide to change and without a counselor pointing out any landmines existing now that may destroy the marriage sooner or later, he won't see the urgency. I know when you love someone its hard to do this part. Just know that the love you feel, will eventually disappear as the meddling and competition of Mom continue. Mine did. I did not hate him, actually felt sorry for him, and cared about him as a person, a human being, but the love was gone. Its like having a bank account in your heart that only takes deposits of love and care. In your situation, if nothing changed and you marry, the only deposits you get are mistreatment, being challenged, talked down to, etc instead of love deposits, then when he is wanting to receive your love, and tries to make a withdrawal from your heart, he will find one day, all the love was used up, taken out but never replaced so there is no love left. I read that in a psychology report online and I know it is true because it happened to me.
Back to MIL, once she realizes her son is not going to cooperate and continue to let her run his life, if a good person, she will apologize and change her behavior. Apologizing and not changing her behavior just cancells out her apology as she continues to do what she wishes, hoping that eventually her son will give up. What I don't know is why all her attention is directed to her son. Does she have a husband, other children, grand kids, or hobbies that keep her busy? If not, at least for now, hobbies and volunteering are good ways for her to keep busy as it sounds like right now she doesn't really have a life of her own. She wrapped up her life in the duties of being a Mom, never branching out to include other projects and hobbies.
]
Dear Non-Codependent,
In life when we are in a relationship with someone there will always be other people in their lives especially their mother. That doesn't mean that they should have input on every aspect of that person's life, especially when they are about to be 30. It seems that you have been together for awhile and now being engaged gives you more of a say but also the right to communicate with his mom on how you feel. You can talk to her without hurting her by reassuring her that you are taking care of her son and that you have made plans for his birthday. Lots of moms baby their sons for the fear that no one can take care of them better than them. By reassuring her that you are able to do so will help her back off and have confidence that he is in good hands even after she is gone. Communication is important in all types of relationships even with future mother-in laws. You can start by telling her how much you appreciate her love and devotion to her son but also let her know that it is your time to show that for him. If you don't communicate with her she will never know or feel that her son has someone looking out for him. Be the one to do that and she will be love you for it because she knows that you are looking out for him.
]
More Questions: |