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Trusting my husband when he is still friends with his ex?
my husband is still friends with his ex. They have also been friends since they were teenagers through now. He had got her flowers about 6 months before we started dating, then a few weeks into our dating relationship, he took leave and and he had hung out with her back home. They went rock climbing and out to Olive Garden.
He never told me nor did he mention it was his ex. I seen a post on her Instagram and that’s how I found out. I got a little worried since I had seen a reciept that he got her flowers 6 months previous. I was thinking maybe he still had feeling for her. And I was upset that he never mentioned it was his ex. I let it go, cause we’re just dating and he’s allowed to have girl friends. Well we ended up getting married and we were having an argument and he was messaging her about our relationship problems. That made me really upset. I told him I didn’t like that and it made me feel weird. He stopped doing it. i seen her name pop up on his phone when we were driving, nothing bad she was saying happy Father’s Day, I know it was his ex, I wanted to reassure nothing was going on. later that day I do go through his phone, (bad I know) and the message was gone.
The convo seemed innocent but why delete it. He said he deleted it csuse it was old. It was from the same day, and messages form years prior were still on his phone. Like I know the convo wasn’t bad nor was he cheating but why lie to me? One day I was sending pictures from his phone to mine of the kids, and I seen pictures of his jeep, and I’m like ohhh who’d you send those to? Thinking his dad probably, and he said oh I don’t remember. It was weird how he answered, I checked his phone again and it was to his ex (she’s into jeeps as well) again convo was innocent but why does he lie about it? It’s giving me trust issues. He will typically delete the messages after from her, and he finally told me it’s because he thinks I’ll get mad at him for talking to her. I told him I’m mad that he lies about it, not that he talks to her. It’s annoying. I would be okay with just talking as friends as long as you’re not making up reasons as to why you’re deleting the texts. Then he told me I’m ruining his friendship with her. Also to add. I found a note while I was unpacking our stuff, dated a year before us dating about how much he loved her and he wouldn’t be able to find anyone as good as her. Maybe that’s why I feel some type of way about him hiding that he’s talking to her. I know people can change feelings and he’s married to me. But why do I feel weird about it? I don’t care if they are friends and have friendly convo’s but she wants to meet me and I don’t know how to feel about that. My husband thinks it’s bitchy that I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hangout with her and meet her. I just feel awkward about it. Am I being immature and need to fix my trust issues??? They don’t talk daily, and I know he’s not cheating, but why is this making me feel weird. Would this make anyone else feel weird?
I also caught him on only fans spending $200 on girls, He lied and said it was a new account, and but he was using it for a while. I actually asked him if he had one and he told me no. But anyway, Told him he could watch porn but I’m not okay with spending money on it. Said he wouldn’t do it again… then a few months later he took leave for a job interview, and I seen he paid $45 more dollars for only fans again. Like I’m getting really annoyed here. I want to be in a Relationship with him obviously, but the way he tries to hide stuff annoys me.
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Yes, you do need to fix your "trust issues" and the way to do this is to end your relationship with an untrustworthy, lying and cheating husband. There should be no relationship between him and his ex at this point, if for no other reason (though there are plenty of them!) than that it makes you uncomfortable.
If you continue to stay and put up with his misbehaviors,it will only indicate that you are insecure enough to doubt what is plainly in front of you , and that your self esteem is so low you don't think you deserve or could expect better.
Stop listening to his arguments, and take charge, take care of yourself, and end this relationship.
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You will always be the third wheel in the relationship and that's not fair to you. How do you know he's not cheating? Their relationship is weird and so is his constantly deleting texts and lying to you about them and about her. There's more than meets the eye here and you have a right to feel weird about it and to trust those red flags going off in your head. His behaviour isn't normal.
If he has nothing to hide he wouldn't get defensive over the texts and the bank account being used for porn. If you have asked him to not do something and he lies and persists it means there isn't any respect there.If he's just friends with this person he wouldn't be acting in a manner where it has to be secretive or kept from you.
I have no idea her motive for wanting to meet you but if you are apprehensive about this and don't feel as though you need to or should don't. He can't be trusted and you need to figure out whether or not you want to be with him and whether or not you want her around him. You aren't being a bitch either. He's just too much and untrustworthy.
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The way dating is supposed to work but doesn't, is that when you leave someone you're dating, it should be because there are some things about them you really can't live with likepersonal habits, beliefs that they try to convert you to, religion differences, political differences, one wanting and one not wanting kids and a timeline for that like 3 years from marriage or less and the list goes on. When you look for someone new, it should be someone many steps better than the person you just left. As for feelings for an ex, hey my 2nd hubby and I both have ex spouses so heres what I have seen. His ex sounds bi polar and never found a new partner so if she's in crisis, she calls. Used to be more often. Saw her when she came for daughters graduation as daughter didn't even want to stay with mom as she seems to be a basketcase often. He doesn't hide anything from me, everythings out in the open and he will voluntarily tell me things about other women approaching him in any way. He was waiting for me close to a shift end at a fast food place when a single older woman who had seen him there before, walked up and said a few words and gave him a note with her phone number on it, asking him to call. I didn't see this but as I went past his table sweeping he told me. She had no idea he was my husband. When going after the trash can, she happened to be leaving and since he'd pointed her out, with a smile, I mentioned my husband was given her number and asked if she needed help. "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry, I didn't know he was your husband. And yes, I don't have a car and was looking for someone to drop me off at a recovery house where I need to go for treatment." I was not jealous and did not react that way. When i caught him early morning watching porn once, the free stuff, I calmly watched over his shoulder. 'Oh hey, I found one gal who had your body shape and one whose chest looks just like yours. I asked if he could show me and I had to agree. The outcome, was he didn't want to wake me but wanted something to look at and only liked the pics that looked more like me so we resolved that by letting him take pics of me to store on his pc to look at as he needed but never share with anyone else.I had watched him closely for months, to see if who he said he was, was a consistent thing, never once becoming something else like my ex who was also verbally abusive. So having dealt with similar stuff, I have to agree with you, there is something strange about him lying to you. Either he is scared over you overreacting to something innocent, or he is not so innocent. You are getting mixed messages from him, and if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't trust him either. Basically, a potential partner is like a cracked clay jar. Whatever liquid is in it, will eventually ooze out of that crack. So if you see something oozing out that is not good for a relationship, you can bet there is way more of it, if you look inside. This is not a one time thing. An example of one time is telling my guy at the beginning what my boundaries were and a list of what I expected and stuff I did not want. I did not think to spell out anything about PDAs. I am mindful of how some things like that can bother other people so I never was okay with doing some things if children were near. I didn't want him to feel he did anything bad and while trying to figure out how to tell him, he noticed my face and asked whats wrong. When he said that, I started crying and then told him that I love when he shows me special attention, playfully patting or grabbing my butt or boobs but not where kids are near. He told me he was sorry. He would never do it again, and he never has, just public but selectively private. This differs from the crack example, in that it wasn't something he did often, it had happened only once and I had spoken to him about it. He was thinking he had hurt me and it nearly killed him to think that he had without knowing done something that hurt me. Your guy does not sound like a man who will ever be a one woman man. He doesn't really know what he wants, let alone how to treat a woman in a relationship. Now if he didnt have this problem with spending time with ex and keeping it from you, or spending money on porn, then he might be someone to take relationship counseling with. There is always a chance that he may have a sexual addiction which in the long run can interfere with a regular life, whether he dated someone or not. The addiction grows to where more time is spent seeking women for one night stands and internet porn to the point there is no time to run his home, pay bills, take care of car needs and so on. He does not sound promising at all dear. The only way you can get some perspective and see it for yourself is to spend some time apart. Right now, you have feelings of love for someone who does not care about your highest good. A good marriage has two equal partners, not one running the show, and the other trying not to complain and rock the boat. A couple needs to speak and have convo's, deep ones about whatever issues come up. Yeah, issues come up and a person needs to know how to bring up something they wish changed without accusing the other. I am sure you don't but when we get heated and angry, sometimes we don't say the best words. We both never yell but do have intense discussions about things in which one of us tells the other later, you were right, your idea would have been better. So all in all, you have to look at this as being an HR department, hiring for the position of boyfriend or potential husband, I did. First public meeting of a guy, I'd give them the list of what I am looking for and was on a dating site where that already was all listed. H.R. wants the best fit for an employee. How does the person act under pressure, when sick, when angry at something that happened to them that day-not from you, and so on. Have a list of what you Must have, because if not a quality or present in the guy, then it is a deal breaker. No, thats not being bitchy but smart and a couple men wrote me that I was too critical. My thought was, "Good, I can cross you off the list cus I am not going to change who I am to be a perfect fit for you. Sometimes its not even a bad attribute but one that would drive you crazy. I love to talk and talk often but I have met guys that talk non stop, and fast and never give me a chance to say anything so instead of a convo its more a story narration and I am the listener only. Also met a guy too quiet for me. When I asked if he was Paul, (made up name) he nodded and I told him where I was sitting. When I asked questionss, he either nodded or shrugged or shook his head no. Oops, I was using close ended questions, ones that can be answer yes or no. So I switched to wording things so he'd have to answer and his answers were few and one word only. I had to drag info out of him, not my idea of a happy free flowing relationship so he struck out. Be careful hon, and make sure it is truly love you feel if you want to work on it. But like my ex, he was never willing to work on it or see a psychologist as his retired counselor friend told him was needed . He saw the same issues in him that I had with him. I loved my ex when we married but after so many years of not receiving any real love from him, I no longer felt a love back for him. Sometimes only one person loves the other and the other does not love you back or only loves a few aspects of you, but there is no unconditional love. Conditional would be a guy telling the wife, if you ever gain 15 pounds, I will leave you and find someone better and yes, I heard and saw this one with my own eyes and ears. It could be he likes you well enough but if it's not enough for you, then he should be out of consideration for being BF or husband. If he won't go to couple counseling, then he really isn't deeply enough in love with you that his whole world would fall apart if he lost you. I have had some medical scares, and my 2nd hubby told me that if he lost me, he would miss me so badly that he wouldn't feel like moving on. I know of couples where once one died, a couple months later I heard the news the second one did too, not able to bear being apart, so united in death was the better thing for them. One such couple attended a church I used to attend. So not making any of this up. Stop listening only to your heart and its feelings. I did too with my ex but the heart is like a bank savings account. The partner needs to be making depositss of love, loving things and actions to this bank account which is your heart. My ex made none. Later when a partner tries to be intimate,even just in conversation, not just sex, there is no love in your heart that can be withdrawn because they never put any in, in the first place. You don't want to end up married, feeling stuck and having someone who doesn't respect or love you, and expects you to be ready for them, loving and happy. So think hard about whether you should be staying, or leaving.
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