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Crush on my brother´s best friend
Hi,
I´m 22 und im in the 1st year of my master degree.
Over the past year I had several crushes,some of them lasted longer than the other. In high school i had crush on my brother´s best friend (boy). I was in the same class with my brother as we are twins, my crush was in the same class as well. I hated that i was in the same class as my brother because guys in class treated me differently. This crush of mine teased me a lot but in a different way. My classmate told me its because he liked me. I never told him anything because he was my twin brother´s best friend.
After high school, we hung out a couple of times in a group of friends. One time it was without my brother. We were in a car with other friends and he asked me if had a boyfriend. I thought it meant something but I guess not. It was such a random question to ask so maybe he asked it for a reason?
Recently, I texted him on his birthday and we have been texting ever since on and off. We were mainly talking about my brother and I hate that bc its like i dont exist without my brother. I even asked him if he wanna hang out during the weekend and told him to call some other people (except my brother, we dont talk together and apparently my brother is not talking much with my "crush"). He told me he would go but he didnt text me so we didnt go out (I didnt text him to seem needy).
Im just wondering if he ever felt something for me and its killing me bc I want to know if he ever liked me or not no matter what the answer would be. Do you think that maybe he didnt approach me because I was his best friend´s sister? But if he liked me he wouldnt be afraid to approach no matter what right? I mean what if we both wont text each other because of my brother?
I dont know what to do. Do i tell him something or not? I dont wanna ruin anything with him, but I would wanna know how things are. Once I confessed my feeling to a guy and I got rejected. So im kinda reluctant to do it now. I also dont want to be known to him as "his best friend´s sister". Also he told me that he doesnt talk with my brother that much, so it wouldnt be so awkward now.
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Listen and take heed to solid advice 4 teens, its a very good reply. Dr. Stephanie
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You are at 22-years-old an adult and whether your brother has been friends with him doesn't matter. His relationship with this person and yours can be completely different and that's fine. It doesn't matter how you know the person or were first introduced. It's up to you to decide what to do and isn't your brother's.
If it annoys him which it won't tough shit he has to be an adult and see that you can find your own partner and be happy no matter who it is or if he knew them or not.
Let's face it no matter what people get rejected all the time as part of the dating and relationship game. They also get accepted too a heck of a lot so it goes back and forth and is normal. Obviously, there is something there because most guys and girls for that matter wouldn't be putting a ton of focus on emails, texts and always geting back you fast if they weren't interested because people are busy.
I would text him asking him to meet you in person and that it's something important you want to discuss. When you meet indicate you'll be friends with him no matter what but have recently as well as over the years received mix signals from him and wanted to know if he was interested in dating or just friends?
This is a NORMAL discussion to have with someone and I doubt it will phase him. At the worst he wants to be friends only and at the best you start dating. It's a case of wanting something badly and taking that risk or forever be tormenting yourself with what ifs.
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I see nothing wrong with your interest in guys at your age. That is normal, as well as those who fall in love having a sexual relationship as well. Your interest in guys seems to be only those who were friends of your brother. Either, you developed a crush because you got to see them often enough to be able to decide if you liked them, or simply as it was the easiest way to be around a boy other than your twin. Now think what reason a person at your age needs to know real badly if someone likes them, ever liked them, or feels something in return. All of us do not know what to do, unless we had parents in love who were good examples for us. There just are not easy ways to learn like classes on the subject. So I don't fault you as I was the same when I married young at 20. He ended up verbally abusive the whole marriage until I left once kids were grown.
I use a trick that helps me understand some things better, its as simple as mentally placing yourself in the other persons shoes and imagining the who what when where and whys of that person. If you take your rejection and think of yourself as a guy doing the same, you will understand that rejection hurts no matter which sex you are. And due to one or a couple rejections, guys will end up too scared to approach another gal later because they don't want to experience rejection again. So being liked is big for guys too, no matter how macho they may act. I really believe that how one goes through the process of finding someone to date, will determine your success or failure. Here's what I have learned through going the path of hard life realizations. At one point, I made a list of qualities that the applicant for the position of BF must have. You are in fact your own HR dept checking to see if a guy is the right one for the position. In this way of thinking, you have placed yourself in the lead, you are not waiting around for some guy to notice you or ask you out. A random guy asking me out, I would put on the same level as a drunk or drug addict showing me attention, or even a dog or cat. Obviously, none of these are good options and you wouldn't take them seriously. A human being is very complex and we are all so very different in how we act, live, talk, believe, etc. Just as no one has the same fingerprint exactly. So when it comes to people, simply going out cus you asked or someone else asked, doesn't mean that the two are a perfect match for each other. We are going basically on looks and that attraction. But many guys who were serial killers, did not look like one, right? So make a list, and you go over it with the guy first time out. If you think thats too soon, I did it and not a single male had issues with it. Infact, guys are simple creatures, who don't want any hidden agenda's to pop up later, that they weren't informed about early on. Not one ever got up and left when I said that if they disagreed with what I shared about me and my needs and did not want a relationship with me after all, then he could just get up and say so and leave. When you act level headed, confident by taking the lead and stating what you will and won't tolerate, and give a guy permission to be truthful and open without you going into a tizzy fit or sobbing, a male will feel they can tell you anything and that's what you want, enough of the truth to be able to make your decision to check him out more by dating or to let him go cus he doesn't meet some of the must haves on your list. That is how the fairly honest ones will tell all right up front, like the guy who answered my ad and we met at a restaurant. Afterwards outside, he told me he was married and looking for a sex partner. It was nice to know right then than find out later. Although in the end, it seemed we didn't have enough in common.
I was also looking for a man who treated me like a best friend and we also were equals as far as sex partners. By this I mean not only things a person can like or not such as oral sex, bdsm, but what ones libido is. Some have a high one some have a low one. LOw ones do not need sex or want it often but a partner with higher libido will want it regularly, more often. That was me, wanting it and ex not wanting at all or on his own terms when he was rarely in the mood. THe ex did not treat me as a friend but an enemy. He treated his coworkers better than his own wife. I would never choose someone like that. He changed after I married him at 20, but warning signs were there, I just did not know what they were or what to look for. So start keeping a journal to look back over. Start with a list of must haves in a man. If a must have is missing, even just one, he is NOT a good match for you. Religion differences, opposites in politics, that can create big rifts in a relationship. But heres one that should be for sure on the must have list, he must want children if you want kids one day. That 'one day' might be spelled out first. My one day ended up being almost 7 years later that he was finally willing to have a kid. These are things that there is no compromising on, because one will be resentful or hurt. And there is no compromise on the one child because there is no such thing as half a child. Your second list is to be of wants. A want is not a need or must have. Where a lack of a must have is a deal breaker, lack of one of your wants, is not, or you have it on the wrong list. I wanted for example, a guy whose head was either totally shaved, or had long hair. I did not like the look of the ring of hair below a bald pate. I also hoped for a guy who liked to dance or sing. The man I met whom I married, has the long hair, but I was willing to let go the dancing and singing as he couldn't do either. It bothered him as a high functioning autistic whom no one would believe is such as he does not have the usual things that will bother him, He enjoys listening to music but adding singing or dancing then disrupts the listening for him and bothers him. Also if I stroke the same area too long without thinking, at one point, the touch goes from feeling good to him to hurting and painful and he will tell me and I stop. But all my must haves....he had. He had gained weight since, its 12 yrs together. I don't love the weight and he knows it and is trying to lose it but at the same time i don't like the fat, I love the man who is inside, how he still treats me good, compliments me, loves me unconditionally as I do him. This is what the end goal is. Finding a partner, a good one who will make a loving husband and a terrific future father. I know this is all stuff you didn't ask about, but I believe it is something you would have asked help with if you knew there was a smarter way to find a guy. Then you join singles groups where singles go for an activity like canoeing, or hiking with a singles group and meeting someone that way. You can't be shy and quiet if you want to find a guy. I was that in school and as a result did not seem interesting to 99% of the other students so my friends group was small, I could count them on one hand. It works the same in dating. If you are shy and quiet and don't make the first move to meet or even just say hi to stranger, then you'll need help first overcoming the fear to be the first to approach people, women, and sometimes men. If that is your problem too, let me know and I can share with you how I overcame that which will work for you and it's easy...plus I read a book decades later where a psychologist lists out the things to do to get over being that shy, and it was the same as I had done. Let me know if thats the case by writing to me from my column page only, just looking for dragonflymagic in search for columnists.
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