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I'm in love with two people
I have a girlfriend that I love a lot, but I've also fallen for another person. I love both of them and I don't know what to do. This new person is stuck in my head but I know they don't like me the same way.
What do I do?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I feel Dr. Stephanie was correct in saying that:
the indication is that you aren't ready for an exclusive relationship with either one.
It doesn't mean anything bad about your character, just that, like me once upon a time, I didn't know two cents worth of how to go about finding the person who would be the right match for me. I married at 20, to the wrong person in so many ways, and yet, loyal and Christian that I was, I stuck with him, and it was the wrong thing to do. I was meant to leave him eventually which I did, but wish I had woke up sooner and actually learned some skills on how to interact with people but especially with men. You can run your own HR department, checking out potentials for the position of boyfriend, just as well as hopefuls vying for a position in a company. You don't mention ages, so I have no idea if you've been on job interviews but in interviews, it seems the biggest questions are forms of them that tackle your own personality, beliefs, morals, character in certain situations in life. The way people date today or their reasons for dating are pretty mixed up to me. People feel dating means the other person already approves of you, without knowing you really. Dating is nothing more than spending time together, doing whatever an established couple has done for years, browsing through the mall, running errands, grocery shopping, taking the dog for a walk, doing some gardening together,and fun stuff like going out to dinner, a movie, on a hike, but the latter, the fun stuff seems to be the only situation we see ourselves doing for a date. That does not tell you anything about a person like what they are like on a day when everything went wrong, or when they are really sick. Do they talk calmly to you, lovingly or change into a monster who attacks you. I had explanations for every bad aspect my ex showed me. In my mind I had reasoned them away, just like people do every day, who are dating but experiencing the same. So the best thing you can do is make a list of the must haves, something which if missing in a person, is a deal breaker. Examples are ones stance on politics, religion, and whether one wants to have children. Too many women never ever broached the subject, only to find out after some years of marriage and his resistance, that he actually never wants to have kids. I know of a man in church who revealed he never wanted kids of his own since he came from a family of 8 to 10 kids and had enough of endless kids around, in the form of siblings albeit but kids non the less and was so tired of that. There is no such thing as a compromise when one won't agree to one child only, and the other doesnt even want one, there's no such thing as half a kid so there is no compromise here. This is why there are things that should be on the list that are something you want so much that you have to find a guy who feels the same, whom you are attracted to, and both of you feel chemistry with each other. Since being each others best friend is not optional for a couple relationship, this is what you should look for, even if looking for what attracts you visually. A marriage or life-long relationship is only different from a regular friendship because of the romantic and sexual part of the relationship they have. This is important you learn now and practice now before ready to marry or find long term partner. The norm for most relationships due to people just not being taught how to handle relationships and what to do, is marriages of only lovers but not best friends, or best friends but not lovers. The latter is one where you get only okay and feel safe, but there is no sex, bad sex or sex has stopped. ONe or both get sexually frustrated and try to secretly have affairs to take care of that when a life partner should never have only one of those two foundations for successful relationship. If lovers only, they are okay as long as they are having great sex but out of the bedroom, they are mortal enemies, throwing things, hitting each other, yelling and fighting instead of being understanding and loving friends. There is already something not right when one person does not feel the same way about you. A person can't change anothers mind. Its more than that and I have not yet found an article that explains this best, knowing what I do, from bits and pieces everywhere. There is chemistry for being friends, otherwise, every person in the world would be your friend. Same for lovers, they need to feel a different kind of chemistry, the one of desire for each other, of love and respect that are unconditional. You say you are falling for the one who is not interested in return. Sometimes that happens, there is enough chemistry for one to be attracted, on a scale of 1 to 10, but the other doesn't even register a number 1 in interest. Why, I don't know. But I would rather find a sweetie where both of us feel desire at a 9 or 10 rather than a 2 and 10. Both would tire of such a relationship after a while. If you make a list such as I have, the list of must haves, and make a list of wants which are things are are not deal breakers, such as if he likes dancing or not, and if not, and you can't live without it, then its not on the right list and should be with your must haves. Keep updating your list, I had to do that with mine as I went out with guys and experienced things I hadn't thought to add to my list. Wants or likes are for another list in case you find two or more who have all the must haves, and this helps you decide which now has more of the qualities you like, the non deal breaker kind. Start reading up about relationships,conversing properly, and how to handle disagreements the correct way. Basically, do your studying and learning of the identification of what it is you really need and want and how to be what he needs and wants, without changing who you are. If you can't be right for each other without trying to change yourselves, you are not the right choice. So depending on how quickly you pick up on all this stuff, is how quickly you'll be ready for a rewarding relationship where you can be exactly what your partner needs and wants as well. Good luck.
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When you say you don't know what to do...what choices are you considering? Next time,it would also be helpful if you had included your ages.
You say the new person doesn't return your feelings, so that ought to guide you away from them and toward the one who does.
However, if you are falling for more than one, the indication is that you aren't ready for an exclusive relationship with either one.
Instead, while you may feel you are "in love", you should not limit yourself to an exclusive relationship until much later on. Just remember to be honest with the girl(s) that you are seeing, and try to enjoy the relationship(s), while not deceiving anyone or giving impressions that you cannot live up to.
Good wishes, ~Dr. Stephanie
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