|
Possible friendships
Today was very usual for me, I had 2 girls who barely talk to me ask to be my friend almost simultaneously. I accepted only one of the girls offer, and so my question lies with the other girl. The other girl whose offer I have not accepted is a cousin to someone who bullied me a couple of years ago, me, the girl, and her cousin all rode the same bus which is where the bullying mostly took place. So she of course bore witness to the bullying, while I do not remember if she ever partook in it or said anything to me I am still skeptical of her friendship request because not only is she related to my past bully but I have no clue if she has any other intentions besides becoming a genuine friend to me. She scarcely speaks to me and so her suddenly asking me if I would like to be friends is brow raising, she doesn’t seem like the girls who I’ve often sparked a friendship with in the past and I don’t know her personality too well to determine if she has a hidden agenda nor am I familiar with agreeing to become friends with someone without having to get to know them first . What exactly should I to do?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Never assume. This is a case of being guilty by association. She is not her cousin or the person who bullied you. Don't expect her to be like someone else is regardless of how she is or isn't related or friends with someone else. She probably genuinely wants to be your friend. Reading anything more into it that isn't actually there may deny yourself the chance to be friends with someone who may be sincere and the best person for you.
As far as bullying goes it's not easy to be the person to stop it or speak up and a lot of people don't have the courage to step in or stand up against peers. She likely didn't know what to do or how to handle her cousin. Give her the benefit of the doubt.
I would speak to her one on one and mention the bullying and that it upset you that she didn't do anything. Let her know you are cautious of being friends with her based on the fact her friends and cousin victimized you. Hear her out and then judge whether there is anything there you can move forward on. Without doing that it's doing her and yourself a disservice.
The thing is she may never have approached you before because she suspected she couldn't or got that vibe and may not have been able to approach or feel that she could so hadn't spoken to you even though she wanted to.
Teenage girls can really be savage towards each other and then work things out. I think this may be one of those situations. She probably has ZERO hidden agenda and you can't go around thinking people around you are like that or project that on to people. Talk to her privately and go from there.
]
You gave us the answer when you said, I am familiar with agreeing to become friends with someone without having to get to know them first and so that is what you tell this person, that you have a personal policy of getting to know a person first before adding them as a friend. The truth always works for the best, because there is no worry remembering who you told what story you made up. Also, telling the truth will weed out the undesirable people from becoming your friend. If it is harder than just asking , they won't be interested in having to take the time to bully you if that is what you fear. Those who want to pick on someone will go for easy game, not someone whom they know is scrutinizing them every step of the way to prove friendship. Even if this person decides to pretend and show you a false persona, the good thing to remember is that person who pretends to be someone they are not, can't do so indefinitely because it takes a lot of personal power to keep a mask/false identity in place so eventually they will slip up as soon as they think they have you fooled. Its a matter of thinking you have accepted the friendship so their subconscious mind tells them its safe to revert back to their own selves now. Potential romantic partners will do the same so this is a good learning experience for you. Lastly, to help you do this, visualize this: You have a male cousin who goes to same school, and has been working with a gang to steal cars and got caught and is now in juvie jail. Then as soon as this happens, all your friends are dropping their friendship with you and no one wants to ask to become your friend because of your blood connection to your cousin. Its your cousin, not you who is the trouble seeker. You are the straight arrow, honor student or whatever you excell at but no one wants to get close with you thinking it will stain their reputation because of your cousin whom you were not all that close to in the first place. Now reverse to the current situation and imagine if truly blameless, how this person must feel, because you have just imagined yourself in the same position. As our courts would say, a person is not guilty until proven guilty. And now is as good a time to learn how to handle this as later.
]
You are suspecting she is not really friendship material, in view of your prior experiences with bullying . However , you can't substantiate that she had anything to do with it, other than being related to an identified bully.
You are also suspicious of the fact that she has had no history of being friendly with you and hasn['t behaved like previous friends of yours. But, she did reach out. And truly, you have nothing to back up your mistrust of her that holds water.
I'd have to say that it sounds like you are extremely protective of yourself, perhaps because of the bullying experiences, or whatever, but that you are erecting barriers of mistrust whether first warranted, or not. And if you continue, it will be your loss as well as that of others.
If you give her the chance to get to know you, and for you to know her as well, then you can each decide whether you wish to be friends or not. And this is what I would advise. Good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
]
More Questions: |