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Ace dating an allo
So, I'm asexual but my boyfriend is not. I've already told him about it, and we're both fine with it, but we haven't actually talked about the sex part of our relationship yet. I'm not interested in having sex at all, but I'm wondering what I can do instead in case if he still needs SOMETHING?
And also, how should I bring it up to him to talk about?
-Cas, 26
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If you are not on the same pages then it might be a bit presumptious to consider him as your "boyfriend" rather than a friend or even a best friend. This sounds like a relatively new relationship , still in progress of developing, right? In case he "still needs something", there's little you can do about it, other than to accept things as they are. You may well end up being his friend rather than his girlfriend, so decide if that's comfortable enough for you, as he will also need to decide. Expect that he will move on in the romance department to someone who is on the same page as himself. And as for how you talk to him about this, you simply raise the subject for open and honest discussion and take it from there. Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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I have learned through life experiences that it worked better for me if when I met someone I initially liked, that right up front, not even the first date, just to start talking and share my rules and boundaries for a relationship. Of course it was a dating site for women interested in men. I made sure to be free about giving up any info the other person wanted and assured them no question would be out of lines or upset me. even for sex among heterosexuals, there are a variety of things one may like and others dont. I call that being sexually compatible. The only difference between between a close friendship and a romantic sexual relationship is there being such a chemistry felt on both sides. This is a very important fact he needs to know ASAP. For hetero's, such an example might be the woman is looking for a husband and wants kids but never mentions it to him. He grew up in a family of 8 kids and as oldest ended up doing a lot of the raising of the younger ones and is so tired of dealing with kids, tho siblings that he knows he does not want even one of his own. So they marry, she gets mad when he says no to trying for kids. And it is a subject where there is no middle ground or compromise because there is no such thing as being pregnant with half a child. Either you have one or none. So if it is an important issue such as sex, you must bring it up and there's no waiting for the perfect time to tell. Just next time together, say that you have something important you have to share and its about sex. Then share how you feel about it. He needs to know that it is okay with you if he gets his sexual needs taken care of elsewhere, but with you, it will only be a loving relationship without sex. I have in my life run across two people, who told me they had a romantic relationship, just no sex and they were hetero and middle aged. So this can occur, and must be addressed.
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If you are really not interested at all then you do need to discuss it. If he still needs something, and most will, then you'll probably have to understand that he will not be around forever. You can be besties, but if he wants more, he will find someone who feels the same. He may currently believe he can change your mind. Good friends are hard to find though so hope you remain friends.
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