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New friends?
So there are these twin boys who are in my last period. One is more preferably social since I see people usually talk to and hold conversation with him more than the other brother who is rather reserved and only speaks when spoken to. Well at least from what I’ve seen in that case, keep in mind I only have one class with them and don’t sit near them. From my POV I see myself in the brother who is more quiet and would like to become acquainted with him! I’ve observed a number of similarities between me and him and I need ways to get closer to him or talk to him in some kind of way. I am not one to speak first also I only speak when spoken to, it seems he is the same so does anybody have any tips or tricks to help me make a new friend?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Yes: if both of you are the kind who don't speak until spoken to, its going to be very quiet between the two of you, unless and until one of you gets your courage up and learns how to initiate a conversation !
The best way I know how to do this is to express your interest in almost anything about the other person and ask them a question or two, one answer leading to another inquiry. People love to talk about themselves, even non-talkers will be flattered that you show an interest.
Become the best listener in the whole world! You will be surprised at how many will appreciate you for doing this.
The choice is yours: either you will have to learn how to speak first on occasion, such as this one, or be left alone with the sounds of silence.
Good luck! Dr. Stephanie
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I was like that all of school life through H.S. So I relate. I learned to become more outgoing in the end and now I am one who starts most conversations, especially with people who are strangers to me. You are right about the outward sign of more people hanging around the social twin. The reason is, most the kids don't know much about socializing yet either tho they sure had me fooled back then. See, we tend to gravitate toward the more lively looking people, those who smile and meet your eyes and will talk more than a few words and that's simply because its easier to them. of the basics of personality types which can be boiled down to four, two types have very few people and these prefer to be alone and be hermit like. However I would say it seems to me like 90% of people fit into the other two catagories which are Social and have a lot of people who fit the type. However one group is extrovert and the other is introvert or somewhere in between but the thing to remember is that even the quiet ones are social if you speak to them first and can make good friends. Since you find that hard, nothing will happen if you don't make the first move and keep making it until the person gets comfortable enough to begin responding and actually searching you out to talk to.
I understand how scary this is. I had real bad social anxiety back then too, long before Drs. had labeled and realized anxiety was a thing. I did learn it was actually my own mind and thoughts that made me uncomfortable, thinking too much of what other people were thinking and a friendly tease, I saw as an attack against me. None of this is true, so whatever your thoughts if any might be as to the outcome of starting a conversation, remember the actual chances of being turned away by a person who ends up being a hermit type wanting to be alone is very very slim. I've been starting convo's with people for decades and have yet to run across someone who truly does not want to socialize. If you can get yourself to really trust that fact, then it will be easier for you. You are the one with the wish to make a new friend as your motivation, he has none so if its going to happen it must be you speaking first.
Walking up to someone who isn't speaking to anyone and just starting a convo. rather than joining one already in process may sound scary but I have found it to be no big deal when I keep some things in mind. I try to start a conversation about something that is common to both of us at the moment. Here are examples, the woman picking out melons at the supermarkets when i was in the same spot, someone waiting at the same bus stop, a person who has the same class, person in line at a coffee shop, and so on. I have mentioned all that I have done. Then you say something and ask a question, but do not ask too many questions that are close ended. This means the question can be answered with a yes or no. And usually the quieter person will stop there and not say any more. Too many questions asked without offering a story or example from your life will make the person feel like you are interrogating them. You can still ask a question that ends in yes or no but be ready to ask more to keep the conversation going. Here's an example, "Other than your twin brother, do you have other siblings?" The shortest answer will be a yes or no. Lets say its a Yes. Now he is quiet again and does not elaborate. He answered your question and unlike other people feels no need to elaborate and tell more. A typical response would be the yes, followed by how many. If a bit more vocal, the person would offer the sexes and which are younger or older and another may go even further and provide their names, all which you did not ask for, but to keep the convo going, you might have to ask those questions if you want to know or just to keep the person talking. So with him, you can try to find a spot of time right before or after the class and maybe ask what he thinks of the class or the teacher. Asking for a persons opinion on something is a very good way to start. Since you don't have much time, it might be best to simply say that you have been observing him as well as the whole class and to you he seems to be the most like you from what you can see. You could add, I might be wrong but I thought I would say Hi and talk and see for myself if you are anything at all like me. I like having friends like everyone does. But its hard since I am more a quiet person. If he's really seeming too quiet and maybe uncomfortable at that moment, give him the permission to feel as he does and give him an out and also an invite. Heres' how that sounds:
You don't have to do anything you aren't ready to do, like talk to me or become friends. I just wanted you to know, I'd be interested in getting to know you to be friends. And don't worry, I am not looking for a dating partner, just a friend. Well, I've got to get going. "
I know that when I was scared to reach out, if I had a question or needed to talk to someone, I would reach out more likely to those who had already reached out to me. If you don't push him too hard, like approaching him every class, he shouldn't feel too bad if you approach him again in a few days.
If you yourself are dealing more with extreme shyness or anxiety of the social kind, I do have an exercise I did to come out of my shell. It must be performed with people you do not know so you are not already somewhat comfortable, you follow only one step until you feel real comfortable before moving on to the next step. So its done at your own pace. I had to start with simply smiling at people as I passed them. And That alone was terrifying for me. Once I could do that comfortably, I graduated to a smile plus saying Hi as I passed by. Again, I was terrified. I had to switch off my thoughts and not think before doing so or I would overthink it, come up with reasons not to and so on. I hope this gets you started. If you want more info on becoming less uncomfortable with meeting and greeting people, let me know by writing me this time posting your request from my column, dragonflymagic. Good luck
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