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Cheated On Twice
Hi everyone. I'm 24/f and my bf is 28. So a very hurtful thing happened to me. I was with my boyfriend for 3 years and then I found out that he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend and got her pregnant. And the worst part is that he lied about it for so long. I didn't find out until the child was already 1 year old! So I broke up with him, it was very devastating because I loved him and thought we were going to get married. He was my first serious bf. He said it was just a mistake and that he was really drunk that night, and that he still loves me. Anyway, I didn't talk to him for about two years even though he kept trying to reach out to me. After a while I decided to talk to him again, and he really seemed like he changed. He was very loving and sweet, and he said he wanted us to get back together. I still loved him and I don't think I ever really got over him. So I said ok, we can take things slow. So we started dating again, and I started to feel happy again. He told me that he wasn't involved with anyone else and that we were exclusive. We've been dating for over a year and he even asked me to move in with him. Everything was going well, until one day he just started acting really distant again. So I kept asking what was wrong and he blurted out that he had gotten another girl pregnant and that she had the baby this past April! I was like what the hell? He told me that he was afraid to tell me because he knew I would break up with him. I don't know how he could have done something like this again and not say a word even though we've been dating for over a year. And I have no idea who this girl is. Now he has two kids with two different women, and I have none. I wasn't really able to express myself the last time we talked because I was in such shock. We haven't spoken in over a month, and while I've been here crying and feeling sad, he hasn't even reached out to me. He hasn't called me since then. I don't know what to do. I feel heartbroken. Should I curse him out and tell him how I feel or just let it go? I'm trying not to think about him but I feel really hurt inside and it seems like he doesn't even care. How could he do this to me twice when he says he loves me? Any advice?
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He may "love" you, but apparently that doesn't stop him from lying and cheating, and from being a "baby daddy" to multiple partners, not you. He could do this twice, to answer your question, because he is irresponsible, a liar and a cheater, which should be recognized and accepted as reality by you.
This should help you decide what to do next: do you want to share him with others now and in the future? A tiger doesn't change his stripes and i would expect the same from him.
If your answer is "NO!" , which is what it should be, it will help you to let go of him by reminding yourself frequently that the person you thought you loved and that loved you is not whom he really is. I think you can then tell yourself that the real person doesn't deserve to be loved by you...and the sooner you get on with your life without him, the better off you will be.
"Cursing him out" may help you feel better, but its actually a form of continuing your involvement with him. Is that what you want to do?
Consider yourself lucky. You put in a lot of years and time with him, but what if you had married him and become saddled with kids, and THEN learned about all this???! I think its time for you to move on...what do YOU think?!
Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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Hon I was very Naive when I first married, at age twenty. I knew nothing about relationships, how to choose a partner wisely. What I share with you is just what I have learned in life, as some call it, the school of hard knocks. So yes, I got banged up a lot (my feelings and emotions) until I did something I hadn't done in the beginning, I decided to look hard to see if there was something I could learn from each experience, especially all those bad ones. Now my ex did not cheat, but he mistreated me, verbal abuse and towards the end, started pushing and shoving me. He still to this day believes there is nothing wrong with him, though I have seen him with different women at family functions like grandkids birthdays. All left him after a short time. Remember, I really knew nothing in our early days, and couldn't understand why I was treated by him as I was. I suppose you do understand what a true friend is? Many don't even know that and call those treating them worse than enemies, as their friends. This is important for you to understand to help you through this process. You need to learn from this experience so it isn't repeated later in your life. I can't help you with the hurt and heart ache, which needs time to heal, and grieving the loss of someone you thought to be better than they were and thus hurt you.
I want to establish right off the start that people can only change themselves for the better, not other people because change comes from a desire to want to change or become better. Its easy if its not a person but a thing like playing piano. You play a little by ear but really don't know how to otherwise and you decide you want to take lessons so you can enjoy grandma's piano you inherited, not just seeing it as a household addition but by enjoying really playing it. That is one life fact you can't change. Which means, you can not change the man you love into someone you can trust. He has to want to change that way himself. He may not be capable of being in a committed relationship. Some people are wired wanting some one different and new all the time. All they have to do is be honest up front and say, hey, I am looking for a friend with benefits, a gal who won't want the committed relationship, just someone to hang with sometimes and be a lover. And believe me, there are women who married early, had a few kids, no longer want a marriage, just someone for sex every once in a while. I made it clear after my divorce, in the 1st meetup at a coffee house (public place for safety) that I was looking for a man who wanted a committed relationship, a one woman man for the rest of my life and if any of the things I said I wanted in a mate were not present in a guy, I would not choose him and if he heard anything in this first meet up where I would share any truth about me, I was an open book, he could decide I was not what he was looking for, say so and leave this meeting without ever having to see me again. This weird and seemingly awkward thing I did was never awkward, the men I met did not think this was strange or what, but seemed more comfortable and okay with being real with me as well. I had to know the basic make up of the guy before I could date him. Then during a few consecutive dates, if a guy was pretending to be someone he thought I wanted, but wasn't authentic and truthful, then within a couple dates, due to my experience from my prior bad husband and marriage, I spotted the inconsistencies or bad personality traits pretty quickly. Once a guy thought he had me hooked, his subconscious made him relax and revert back to his real self. I did not know this when I was 20 and getting married or I would not have agreed to marry him or at least wait and date longer to see if I saw something. Women are susceptable to falling in love a bit too easily sometimes and men seem to sense this. This can actually work to our advantage. If you go into this as if you are interviewing males for the position of boyfriend, as if you were your own HR department, you are less likely to fall too quickly. Your hopes might go up, mine did in phone calls, enjoying the conversations and hoping he turned out to be a great guy. But I did not allow myself to relax and fall in love from the beginning of meeting someone, even a guy who looked like a male model just stepping out of a magazine. Scrumptious looking doesn't necessarily mean a good person on the inside. And besides the romantic chemistry we all seek, a couple relationship needs more, it needs the best friend aspect. I know females can say they have a best friend sometimes but lets say its your male best friend then, either way, he treats you well, cares about your welfare, anything great you could say about a female best friend, like someone always looking out for your best interests but there is the romance and sex as well. I don't know you both so I don't know if that kind of friendship was there, but if he was the kind of friend who didn't care if you got hurt by anything he said or did, then that was not a true love. He may have loved some aspects about you, but not loved fully. There is love and inlove or unconditional love. With just love, I can say I love chocolate icecream, but why...not for a relationship...its for the flavor and then maybe a favorite brand cus its creamier and more intense flavor. That is not the kind of love needed to make a relationship work. I just finished using a certain example of a clay jar to tell someone else what I am telling you now. To understand why he would be with you but meet at least two other women you know of and have at least a sexual relationship with both, you have to understand what I am about to share about ways a good many humans will act. Oh and by the way, not all women get pregnant on the first time with a guy so he had to have been having sex on a fairly regular basis, and for sure, more than once with each woman.
Now my illustration uses a clay water jar, think of a wine decanter, only this is clay, you can't see inside. It's supposed to hold clean pure water but there is a crack with a little leak and what you see leaking looks, smells foul and is blackish, sludge like. You would wonder if that is an accident and something the jar brushed up into contact with, and got smeared on the jar or if what was inside was truly water. Most people think it was an accident, not thinking that what they are seeing is just the first bit, when actually they are seeing of more of the same that lays waiting, hidden inside. There are no such accidents with humans and relationships. There is always thought and intent and usually the intent is always focused on what will please you, help you, do for you...always based on you, not a thought of how what you do might affect anyone else in your life? This is how he is acting. He indulges in what tickles his fancies. And that would be okay if you felt the same way, an open relationship where either of you can love each other a little and see others for the excitement or things you don't get from each other. I have known people who don't cheat with sex, but have almost no friendship with their partner, sex yes, but once the urges are taken care of, no has no interest in listening or speaking with their partner. When starved for friend attention, I have learned these people will spend more and more time with another who will give them the friendship they crave from the opposite sex but not the sex, they are not feeling the urge to try with the stranger because they have good sex at home. Its not as common but I have seen it twice in people I know of. There is no way at first to know if anyone or in your case, if a guy is telling the truth. People may have nothing to hide even and still pretend to be someone they think you will like better. But as goes with pretense, the amount of energy and keeping on your toes about lies, or keeping info from someone can get so twisted, like did I say this yet, or didn't I, that the human mind can't keep up with this long term and eventually all at once or in certain increments, will begin to revert back to their real self. The clues are there. I was just too naive and inexperienced at 20 when I married to know any better. Since there are no classes one can take at college to learn how to communicate with people especially a couple relationship, most of us don't know how to do so properly. And things about the human psyche may be covered in Psychology but not everyone takes that, I certainly didn't. I learned from going through the hardships, same as you. YOu have a very hard thing to deal with here, but I did say I learned something, although it took me almost 30 years to finally leave my ex. I would like if that learning time can be sped up a bit for anyone I share with. And thats my hope for you. So, back to the clay jar. Your bf is the clay jar. The first time you found he had cheated was like finding that something vile oozing through a crack, otherwise he is a seemingly wonderful 'jar'. If you had a way to look inside to see what lay in his mind and thoughts, in his heart, you may not have given him another chance when he came back to you, but it was due to your feelings of love you let him back in. You can not trust your feelings to lead you the right way, women fall in love too easily. Many women love men who do not deserve their love, who treat the women terribly, its not just you and I. I read blog by a male on relationships because I wanted to see how a guy thinks about real love with a woman. He did say that sometimes women will love a man who doesn't deserve her. He did say things like, he compliments you and builds you up, wants his family and friends to meet you, wants to spend time with you and you are high in importance to him, like one of three top priorities in his life, one is you, one is his job or schooling and the third is whatever it is, his buddies, a sport team he's on. Men don't juggle more things but if you are not one of top three priorities in his life, something is wrong. Almost there are about 4 stages of interest a man may have, one with being he's nice but he doesn't do enough to make you feel loved. He does a bit more but if you don't focus on what's lacking, you can make it work. If you can't, leave him. He does a lot of things right, but its not enough for you and finally he doesnt think of you as the most important treasure in his life, and treats you as such, he's a douch-bag--leave him immediately. I was amazed, this was a guy writing about guys and how they love, on their own terms. He did suggest women leaving men who just didn't get it. At 28, the bf should be old enough to start learning from his mistakes. I also saw a video once where two guys spoke to each other for our benefit on the subject of maturing and learning how to treat women well. These guys were just starting to learn this in their mid thirties and were admitting it and admitting to their prior mistakes which had ruined many different consecutive relationships. SO I am saying unless your man over time can decide to change, handle the whats and whys of his cheating before, and decide to think better and correct thoughts about what is right, and act in ways where you can regain confidence in him that he is now consistently behaving in ways that you know you can trust him for real, then there is a chance it will work, but that is likely a chance in a thousand or more. Once trust has been broken, it can't be repaired by saying sorry or please take me back, or I really love you, I don't know why I did that. A person can so easily say I love you or i am sorry. But words are cheap and easy to use and will fool lots of people most of the time. I have found that consistent actions, good or bad are what I can really believe in, and I won't allow myself to fall in love until I see a consistent pattern. I am sure that like myself, there were other earlier signs of things he said and did that would be warning signs to you, just as I never saw them when I was younger, but I saw them when I was older. What you can do that helps is think of yourself as your own HR department interviewing guys for the position of boyfriend. When you think you have a good one, then you choose to take him on a probationary period where you allow him to act as bf but scrutinize him to see how well he carries out this job. Same as in a company that agrees to take you on during a probationary period at the end of which you did well and you stay or you did poorly and go. They will only train so far for a job position and things like working well with others and following directions and using common sense are mentioned but not taught. Then if a new probationary employee were to go give help to a competitor company, making agreements with them for some kind of payoff, if something like that were found out by HR, would the company give that employee another chance? If you said yes, think of it as your own company, and he's selling secrets to a competitor, is it wise to trust the employee again. No it isn't. The same for you and this guy. If you are okay with not being the only women for him and him dividing his time up between who knows how many women, then, theres no problem. I believe you wrote in because this doesn't sit well as it shouldn't. You deserve a man who wants unconditional love to give and get from one woman only, no one else. Well, if you don't state that in the beginning when you first meet, the guy may not see things with same importance as you do. Also at beginning, before a first date even, things like "If this turns out serious later, I need to know now how you feel about children. Don't say how you feel because they can take your cue and pretend just to get you now. HOw does he feel about budgeting, following ones hobby, being active in a church, where he stands in politics, whatever is important to you (or most people in general)find out where he stands. There are no wrong answers, you understand? He can only reveal what is or is not important to him and by this you decide if he sounds like a good fit for you or not. If all his answers please you, and you are seriously considering dating the guy, now you tell him what boundaries you have, things that are a no, or you break it off. List your boundaries. I am not talking about a first date, but when you first meet, if you hit it off at a party, then by the end of the party, you both know if you want to start dating or go your own way and keep searching. Here is where you do share what you will and won't accept. You want a one woman man, no cheating, good with saving and budgeting money, keeps home tidy and clean, not afaid to cook or do laundry thinking its womans works, you want your first child in the next 3 years, if you like doing no makeup but love doing your nails, let him know and he'd have to be okay with you getting nails or hair done on a regular basis, and the list goes on. One I didn't have on my list, was PDAs and specifically sharing what I was okay with and what I wasn't, but okay with in private. You will add to your list.I wrote mine down and saved it on computer to keep reminding myself what I was looking for and not forget to tell a guy. As awkward as it may sound, guys had no problem with this. It comes across as confidence in a women when she tells a guy what the rules of the 'game' are up front before he starts playing. In fact, for many men, confidence in a woman is more attractive than a model type of woman who is empty headed and insecure or another kind of messed up inside. Now think, if I want to play a board game I have never played before and the seasoned player says, just follow me, its easy to figure out and doesn't give some basic instructions, you may make many mistakes before you catch on if its not as easy for others as he thinks. If he then got mad at you for doing things you did not know were right, how would you feel? He needs to know what your boundaries were and how he messed it up and that yes, you are not giving him access to your life so he can do it again. Tell him if you were looking for a part time bf who admitted up front to having several sex partners or that he wants to date several others at the same time, then that's okay for him to do, but not with you. YOU both are looking for different things. If you aren't criticizing of what he wants to do, a man is more likely to tell you up front the truth, even if it isn't popular with the majority of people...same thing as revealing one is bisexual. Nothing wrong with that, just that you don't want a guy like that. With this method, out of a hundred guys or more, who wrote me on a dating site, whom I didn't dismiss right away and actually met in public in coffee shops, only three were lying to me out of dozens I actually met with. So this works pretty good. I wish you a speedy recovery of your grieving and a brighter future and finding the right guy for you.
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