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Cheated on partner
I have a bf and I cheated on him with his best friend. He loves me and I too love him but this thing is stuck in his head and he needs my help how can I help him forget this thing. The thinks that if he leave me ever think will be okay but we cannot be without each other what shall I do I'm really sorry for the mistake
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There is only one thing you can do at this point, besides apologizing: and that's don't do it again. Be honest. Be open . Allow him to check on you whenever he has doubts or insecurities, since you will have nothing to hide. Then wait, for as long as it may take, for him to forgive you and to get over this.
He may or he may not get over it. No matter what happens, take this as a learning experience, which will help you decide how to be in relationships from now on.
Good luck and good wishes,
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When we make a mistake in life, the best step we take next is to learn from our mistakes and do much better in the future. The problem is most people do not learn from their mistakes because they are busy trying to say or do things to help any persons who may be affected by their mistake. People figure if they can help someone affected by their mistake to somehow get over it, that just by that one thing you feel relieved and happy so you must have learned something. Nope, that not how life works. Don't worry hon, not looking down at you. There are plenty of people even way older adults who have never figured out how to Really learn from their mistakes.
So for this, you have to start questioning yourself.
Before I go there, I want to ask you to imagine you have a friend over who didn't ask but temporarily borrowed a top of yours because she wanted it to wear for a day. You discover it gone and when you get it back, it has with a big terrible stain on it that won't come out. She doesn't want you to drop her as a friend. She knew it was your favorite top, one of a kind, can't be replaced by one from a store and she wants you to forget it ever happened, forgive her and continue trusting her as you have before.
Forgiveness and forgeting are not the same thing. But people still use the saying "Forgive and forget". I have perfect memory of all my ex did to hurt me. Memories won't go away, but the emotion behind them can change. So instead of feeling hatred, anger, I feel like he did the best he could as a soul and that we were mismatched so badly, like a college grad with a kindergartner in mentalities. No one can forget hon, unless they get some brain injury that makes them lose their memory and which could be bad enough to forget their own name let alone yours. So the job here is not how to make him 'forget', but what can you do to be consistent from now on in all you do, always making the higher choice, better choice, the right choice and doing that consistently. If you mess up again, you are not consistent. That is how I choose my second husband, watching him closely how he acted, what he said when he was with me and knowing I could check with his family and friends to see if they know a different personality in him than I see. He was consistent. Here's the best example I was told once to understand this better. Lets say your boyfriend looks at you and see's a cracked jar, a clay jar that is meant to hold water. All he can see is the outside, and what is oozing out of that crack slowly. It should be water, you are a water jar, but what he see's is some kind of blackish sludge that smells bad oozing out. So he will think that there is a good chance that whatever is left inside, is more of that sludge instead of clean water. Not until that lid comes off and you clean the inside of that jar and replace it with clean water will you be at a place where you might again gain his trust or at least keep the trust of a new partner. Trust is hard to get to, takes a long time but breaking trust is easy and take one moment to break. Trust does not come back easily and can take even longer than the first time to regain that same level of trust. So if you are the jar, and I ask myself this from time to time, is there anything inside that is not clean and pure, anything that needs work or change? And that my dear, is where you are at. This is something we all have to go through at times in our lives, whether big mistakes or small. But inspecting ourselves closely and putting yourself in another persons shoes, looking at you. Would they find you kind, loving, thinking of their highest good, trusting? There is no such thing as people supposed to be a mixture of opposites like both kind and unfriendly, or trustful or untrustful. Well, maybe we are inconsistant at first, but the human as the perfected finished product really does not have both opposites residing in him/her. So you are on a road of discovery about your self. Some people live for what they consider the 'reward', whatever it is to them. So ask yourself if you did know that cheating was wrong, what made you make the choice? Was it because it was feeling so rewarding? Was it simple curiosity as to how another male would feel compared to others? A couple relationship is more complicated than a friendship in that it not only has a working friendship but it has what a friendship doesn't, sexual chemistry. People cave in to the immediate reward of sexual chemistry and have affairs while a friendship that takes up the larger part of this relationship, and is more intricate and has taken a long time to build is totally forgotten or ignored in your mind. I am always in life finding I need to make a choice or a better choice. I volunteer at a churches community dinner program, and of all the recent new helpers, there is one who tends to annoy me alot. He walks around like he is lost, no matter if given something to do. I have to answer his same question weekly when I see him as he is not retaining anything and not using any of my suggestions, such as observing others to see what they are doing and asking if they would like help. I am never at one task for a whole hour, more likely having completed what I see needs to be done. I could go on. When I feel this way, I know this is not the best way to feel and I can do better, so I pray for him to learn to feel comfortable with the volunteer group and for God to bless him in any way God sees fit. When I change my thoughts about him in that way, I find it helps. So thats my example of checking in with yourself to see what thoughts or actions you are doing or about to do and whether that is the best you can do, or do better. Until you understand why you cheated, you won't be guaranteed of doing the same again, maybe not with him but with someone else in the future. Also, my advice isn't picking on you. I am sharing life truths such as you can not change another person, you can only change yourself. A person may see you and want to be like you, but that desire comes from within them and they make a choice to be more like the person they want to follow. But credit still does not go to you, it goes to the other person for coming up with the desire inside. My ex had mental illness and a retired counselor friend tried to get him going to see a Dr. but hubby believed there was nothing wrong with him, so with the lack of desire or belief he needed to change, he did not and at my wits end with the abuse towards me, I got divorced. So I hope you see the best you can do is to look inwards and truly discover what caused you to make that choice. If you'd like, when you are ready and feel you understand why you did it, and want any extra advice based on life truths, then you can write me from my column at dragonflymagic. For now, all you can do is ask for forgiveness, not cling to him, and give him space but say you'd like to at least stay friends and stay in touch. Then if he see's you have changed over time, he may come back but that is not guaranteed. Usually when trust is broken, most people don't see each other again. I will share a short story of mine about broken trust. I was using an internet dating site after leaving ex. I did want a new partner, but someone I felt in love with and him with me, no one way streets this time. Put on my profile I was allergic to cigarette smoke so no smokers need apply. One guy thought to get me to fall for him thinking I might put up with his smoking once I was in love. Got to his place and he wanted to rent a movie back when DVD movies were in stores to rent for the night. So I hop in his car but it smells of stale cigarette smoke. He has said he had an adult son whom I had not yet seen. He said this son borrows the car often and just his son smokes. Okay, I had no reason to not believe him so I accepted the answer. Later in the evening, he is patting all his pockets out of habit and pulls out a cigarette carton, then freezes, realizing his mistake. I had just caught him in a lie. I didn't want a person I could not trust, that he was or wasn't telling the truth. I did not think it was an accident. I knew he still smoked but thought he could have me too. He was not about to change himself for me, so why would I want to spend time with him. This was the second date after meeting him. I need there was more dishonestly inside him like a cracked jar where I had witnessed one dishonesty already. I said it wouldn't work out with us and left. Then he left hateful voicemails twice. So he had a great temper too. Glad I avoided him. He broke my trust once and I would not give him an opportunity to carry on as if it never happened, forgive and forget, right? No, I could forgive if it was an honest mistake. Take an example with my new husband I found 13 yrs ago. He and I both shared our ground rules and boundaries and were okay with them. He never ever once did something he knew I would not like. Except for one thing I did not think to mention in the beginning. It was about PDA's. I don't mind a kiss, holding hands, a hand caressing onces back, hugging, cuddling. But for the sake of any onlookers who might be offended, I draw the line in public at groping or caressing the butt or boobs. Well, early on, he did this and I was visibly upset later back at home. He noticed as I was trying to think of how to tell him without hurting his feelings. He asked if he had done something without knowing and hurt my feelings. SO I told him I guess I had to make this a clear boundary rule now too, although I love any touch and intimacy with him, for sake of the public, not any embarrassment on my part, I didn't want him to touch butt or boobs. He apologized even though he wasn't trying to intentionally go against any boundary he knew of. He promised he would never do it again. In a case like this, something that isn't as clear as cheating as a no no, this is an example of where I did not cut off the relationship just over that, of course he got another chance, he didn't know, and neither did I think it had to be spelled out ahead of time. But to this day, that man has kept his word. I hope you see the difference there in giving another chance or not.
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