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What to do about a toxic(I think) friend?
Some background information:
I've known my best friend for 8 or so years and we were perfect friends until 2 or so years ago, when she first started talking to this dude on tiktok.
Don't get me wrong, I encourage her to have her own feelings and I love that she wanted to get out and talk to guys. But she started acting... Weird after.
We were the type to talk bad about people for a quick laugh, but didn't actually mean it. We'd never say it to their faces or spread rumors. So it wouldn't have been unusual for us to talk bad about the guy she's talking to... Except she thought it was. She'd get defensive about it. I understand wanting to protect him, but seriously. It's all jokes, she knows it.
Well fast forward a few months later, she's talking to more guys and won't let me talk bad about any of them. Oh well, so sad. Doesn't matter to me.
Then she gets in a relationship. I hated the guy for some time because he just seems conceited and I don't like his energy. He kept leaving her on opened or delivered for hours on end, even when he would be active on Snapchat after she sent it. I told her that was a big douche move of him, but as always she defended him. Oh well, not my problem.
Another fast forward, they're getting down to their last months together. I made the plan to jokingly message him, with her permission, on a fake account to catfish him and try to see if he'd cheat.
Guess what? He said he was single. I had just confirmed all my bad feelings towards him.
Bad news, she didn't break up with him until like 2-3 months after.
Then blah blah blah she was upset blah blah she dated this really creepy guy from our Town who I despised (and still do) and dated him for a while, not the main point
Then she broke up with him and got back with toxic cheating ex. She won't let me bring up that he cheated, claims he "changed". I think he's only in it because she buys him stuff. He hardly talks to her some days so :/
But, again, not the main point. Throwback to like middle of her dating creepy guy, she told me I was the only reason she was here.
It really put a weight on my shoulders that I didn't want, having recently gone through losing two pets that were close to me.
But of course, I stayed silent and accepted it.
Only problem is, now she's super toxic and I can't let her go in fear of her offing herself in turn. I'm scared. I don't want to cause her death, and I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I have no other options.
I'm getting close to the end of my line.
Recently she introduced me to a guy and we started dating last month. He's an amazing guy and I like him a lot.
Only problem is, she's nosier than a spy. She openly reads my chats with him and I hate it. Then she keeps joking that I should break up with him, and that her telling me he likes me and pushing us to ask each other out was a joke. Like some joke, huh?
It bothers me because she can just up and ask for my stuff and snoop through my privacy and break my boundaries, but the moment I break one of hers or anything, she stops talking to me, gives me the silent treatment, or gets really sad and then I'm left to worry about her.
So I'm looking for some advice. What do I do? I don't want to drop her as a friend, because we have great memories, but she's toxic af. And I also can't drop her just randomly because we go to the same school and she might off herself. I'd tell her family, but I don't know if any of them care enough to believe me to help her.
I'm at a loss. Help?
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Has her behavior changed drastically over the years where you notice her very depressed all the time, even when it does not include boys? If so, she may be depressed and then her family needs to know so they can take her to a Dr. My oldest hid it from me so well that even though I watched all my kids for changes like sleeping patterns, no interest in things and so when she told me after having her first child that she was having suicidal thoughts and feeling the same about the baby, I was blindsided but took her to her Dr. where she was referred to get help.
Other than depression, if under 25 yrs of age, she may be going through the same thing many teens go through. Their bodies are developing to maturity but the brain is far behind. A crucial part of brain used to make good decisions and see ahead to potential consequences to any action one takes, is not mature yet so teens are without the ability to make good decisions on their own. And this sounds much like what is going on with her. Plus I might add that she seems to find self worth in having a boyfriend, whether he is right for her or not. I know it may be hard to you to watch, but currently she is convinced she knows what she's doing and that there isn't any problem with her choices. While I mention teens, I do know from watching my own kids as well as those of others and see that while a person may eventually around age 25 beoome more mentally mature, there are enough people for whom that does not happen til later twenties or even 30, and a few, not at all. But the average is 25 so it can happen sooner for a few or much later. The brain might be done growing but bad habits by now have formed that they repeat and don't learn from. Since she isn't willing to listen to opinions, advice or anything, there isn't much you can do. Let her make her own mistakes, but decide what is best for you. Since her behavior is driving you nuts (personally, it would affect me too) it may be best to limit your time with her. Make a new friend or two to hang with. Don't seek out this troubled friend, just let her seek you out and then spend a little time with her and if you need some great reasons to get away from her, you might want to let a couple other friends or your Mom know to call you at a certain point in time if not at your house and say you are needed at home right away. That is your excuse to get away at a time you will have had enough of time spent with her. It won't always workk and she may get suspicious of you use this all the time or its never your Mom. This way she doesn't feel dumped and you don't feel emotionally worn out by her.
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At first, let me give you this advice the less you share about your relationship with your friends the less problem you will have in your relationship.
Now about your friend, You should talk to her directly. I get that she is your bestfriend for years but everyone should have their own private life. You should tell her about her limit. Directly tell her what is bothering you, if she overreacts about it or gets offended than its her problem.
The most important person in your life is you. If you are not comfortable with anything you should take steps about it.
Hope this helps! take care :)
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